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Thread: Success Stories!

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    freakedout's Avatar
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    Default Success Stories!

    This thread is for sharing experiences about successfully stopping Methadone use.

    There are many myths and "urban legends" regarding Methadone such as "Endorphin deficiency", "permanent brain damage", etc. This thread will de-bunk these myths.

    Please share!


    freak

    "The greatest derangement of the mind is to believe something because one wishes it to be so."
    ~Louis Pasteur

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    freakedout's Avatar
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    Arlene's story......Exodus from MMT ~ One Woman's Story


    EXODUS FROM MMT....
    Methadone Maintenance Treatment is very near...but not dear...to my heart. I am a MMT survivor. I was on Methadone for 15 years @250mg. I am now clean & sober for 41 months.

    Unfortunately, I am one of a very few of long-term MMT patients who have come into the light of recovery…and have managed to stay there…one day at a time…for any length of time. I am also passionate on the subject of total abstinence. I believe when you read my story, you'll understand why.

    My journey to today has been exceedingly difficult...and very well worth it. My life has turned around 180degrees since my last dose of Methadone on 12/24/02.

    I began my addiction following a herniated disc at the age of 34. I was given Percodan. It was an instant love affair. "A where have you been all of my life" type of affair. This affair lasted for 7 difficult years. And when, I could no longer get enough Percodan to sustain my addiction, I made yet another very seriously wrong decision. I got on MMT in 1988. I upped the ante.

    I thought that Methadone was the answer to my prayers. Thought it was G-D's gift. It was legal (the government said so). It was cheap when compared to sustaining a Percodan addiction. The effects were long lasting when compared to a short-acting opioid. No highs and lows. It was, as the Clinic told me, the same as a diabetic taking insulin. It was "medical treatment." I wouldn't have to lie or manipulate to get it. I would, they said, "be normal" again. I would function and resume my life.

    Sounded good to me. WRONG!

    Well, actually, it was “right” for the first 3 years. I did get on a “stable dose” of 125mg. Was immediately able to put down all other substances. Enjoyed the freedom from cravings. I began to resume a functional life. Resurrected a relationship with my husband. Raised 2 sons. Went to work. In fact, I was so delighted by the turn around in my life, that I began one of the first MMT Patient Advocacy Groups in the Country. Sang the praises of Methadone to any whom would listen.

    And then the song sounded a sour note. Actually, it was a sour chorus for the next 12 years…cacophony.

    I began to have “cravings” again. I craved getting high. I craved being numb. So, I began to abuse Methadone by buying it on the street. I supplemented my 125mg Clinic dose with another 125mg purchased “privately.”

    And again, that brings me to the point of my story…my experience…with Methadone Maintenance. I believe that the self-medicating was inevitable. I believe that an ever increasing need for more was inevitable. Why do I subscribe to this? Because I had done absolutely nothing to change anything about myself except to cover the symptoms with Methadone…and more Methadone. And as AA states, “If nothing changes…nothing changes.” All the issues I had brought into MMT still remained. It’s like spraying more and more deodorizer on a room without going to the source of the smell. You can spray all you want, but if something’s rotting underneath…the putrid odor is still going to permeate the environment…eventually.

    Coming out of the “honeymoon” phase proved to be bitter. Methadone had become my new drug of choice. I was caught in the same trap as repeating the self-same behavior I had while on Percodan. My life began to spiral downward. I gained an enormous amount of weight…by the end of the 15 years, a total of 110 pounds. I craved and ate nothing but sweets. I had no energy…total lethargy. Depressed. No motivation. My blood pressured soared even while on 250mg. I was bloated. My teeth began to fall out. My joints ached. I nodded out mid-sentence. I was always constipated. My memory was non-existent. I care about…cared for…nothing. No life issues were faced. I awoke every morning with no thought on my mind except to “medicate.” And the tragedy was that I thought I was “fine.”

    I was at the height of denial and fantasy. The denial that my life was being flushed down the toilet. The fantasy that I was “clean” on Methadone and that it would continue to save my life.

    As amazing as it seems to me, I did believe that I was “clean” while on Methadone…until the last year. For 14 years, I took no other substance. The fact that I was purchasing and additional 125mg of illicit Methadone never entered into my head as “non-sober” behavior. Hard to fathom for me at this point.

    So, during years 3 through 15 here’s a quick recap on the life issues. I was numb to life. Taxes weren’t paid…to the tune of $975,000. My husband drank alcoholically and I chose to do nothing about it. I lost jobs. I spent thousands of dollars on Methadone. Life on life’s terms was not a part of this scenario.

    In March, 2000, my husband died at the age of 52 following an alcoholic induced hemorrhage. He died in my arms. We were married for 31 years. My sons moved me from New York to California where I promptly got on another MMT Clinic. I began to suffer from more and more depression and insomnia. I hadn’t mourned…couldn’t mourn. So, instead, I started to use Ambien and Ativan in conjunction with the 250mg of Methadone. NOT a good a choice.

    I drove in a blackout and crashed the car. Fortunately, I wasn’t arrested…although I should have been. I didn’t know where I was or how I had gotten there. My sons saw the police report and at that point in time gave me a final ultimatum, “It’s your Methadone or your family, Mom. Your choice.” And the power of this disease is such for me that I actually had to think about it. Hmmm, my family or my drug. How long do I get to consider this?

    Fortunately, and I believe it was G-D working in my life; I made the right decision and entered detox on August 20, 2002. I entered Tarzana Treatment Center in Tarzana California…the ONLY detox to accept me. My dose was too high. I had now been on for 15 years. I was 55 years old. I was deemed an “NFC” (No fudgeing Chance). Confidence was NOT high. I was also destitute at this time and claimed myself as “indigent/homeless” which in turn allowed the County of Los Angeles and the State of California to pay for my stay at Tarzana. Talk about gratitude! The “system” actually worked on my behalf.

    I was detoxed FROM Methadone WITH Methadone. This was pre-Sub days. I was given no other addicting meds while withdrawing. The medications that were used were Clonodine and two other BP drugs…in large quantities…antihistamines, quinine, Motrin, Kaopectate & Melatonin. No benzo’s. No addicting sleep medications. No anti-depressants.

    And I will not bore you with the trials and tribulations I endured while at Tarzana except to say, without drama, that I wanted to die. The only specific detail I will share is that while detoxing, I broke out in a rash...from head to toe. On the soles of my feet. On my hands. On my back. I was in pain. My immune system had gone into shock. The only medication that worked was a chemo-therapy drug. So, while detoxing, I was also placed on a chemo drug which not surprisingly, made me quite ill. The combination was not pretty. I prayed to G-D to take me now. Fortunately, once again, G-D worked in my life and did not answer my plea.

    My last dose of Methadone was on December 24, 2002. I was held another 33 days, opioid free, given that I was remained quite ill still kicking.

    I exited Tarzana detox on January 27, 2003…a total inpatient detox stay of close to 5+1/2 MONTHS. The next day, I entered rehab where I stayed for almost 5 months. The PAWS was in full swing. I could barely walk. Sleep was elusive for almost a full year. I couldn’t maintain a thought. Couldn’t get out a full sentence. I was incapable of laughter or tears at that point. And then the floodgates opened. Mood swings were the order of the day. I learned to grieve for my husband...3 years following his death.

    All I did was HANG ON…and repeat…over and over…THIS TOO SHALL PASS. It wasn’t easy, but it was simple. I began to attend NA and then AA. I got a sponsor, worked the Steps, went to meetings 7 days a week.

    And here’s the good news…very good news. Today, I work for the same rehab I entered. Today, I have an amazing number of people back in my life…most importantly, my sons and granddaughter. A network of sober, recovering friends. I am a sponsor who has a sponsor. I am accountable. I am grateful. I am also 110 pounds lighter! I have more energy than any 59 year old woman deserves. I go dancing, horseback & motorcycle riding. I laugh and cry at will.

    I do not believe in the “hard-wired for life, opioid deficiency brain syndrome” any more than I believe in the man in the moon. I believe that change is always possible…when we choose to make that change. Through the Grace of G-D and the Program of AA, that change continues for me. And no matter what, I don’t pick up even if my *** is falling off…a day at a time.

    This nightmare that was Methadone Maintenance has a happy ending. And I’m not special…it can be your ending too. Don't quit before the miracle!

    Arlene F.
    EXODUS FROM MMT
    NOW HAPPY, JOYOUS & FREE
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    arlenewla is offline Senior Member
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    quote:Originally posted by freakedout

    This thread is for sharing experiences about successfully stopping Methadone use.

    There are many myths and "urban legends" regarding Methadone such as "Endorphin deficiency", "permanent brain damage", etc. This thread will de-bunk these myths.
    Please share!


    freak
    Sweet opener, Freak. Very sweet...and so true.

    And I feel privileged to be the first posting of many success stories yet to come. Love, Ar

    Arlene F.
    EXODUS FROM MMT
    NOW HAPPY, JOYOUS & FREE

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    Dearest Freak,
    I can't write much now (I have a full house and I need to clean the guest bathroom- glamorous huh?) but I can't express how much my life has improved, and thanks to you and the gang I am in the far reaches of Methadones' grip! (I suck at punctuation) Your story is incredible and inspiring- Thank you for helping me along the way.

    For anyone considering getting off Methadone, all I can say is , It's a struggle, but it's worth getting ourselves back to where we can be about other people instead of just ourself.

    I'll check in when I don't have to clean toilets!
    Dark (mako62)

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    methadonna is offline Member
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    BRAVO! To whoever thought of " this forum " SUCCESS STORIES " I NEED to come here and READ how to help myself by believing in certain people who are REALLY INFORMED. Arlene, I identify with your story SO MUCH. They do say that if you keep coming, you will hear YOUR STORY. So true. I just did. I just hope when I'm done, I will do the footwork to pursue a career in Alcoholism and Drug Counseling. THAT is what God had and still has intended for me. I know because I L-I-S-T-E-N. My Profession comes awfully close to doing that, Hair Design, etc. People just open up to me and I KNOW that I can make a difference in people's lives but that is down the road for now.
    I've been detoxing for the past year from Methadone. I began from 95mgs, went down in 10's at first, then 5's, then 2's and now I am PROUD to say that I am on 15mgs. and going strong. I WILL finish this detox.
    I am waking up to life again, I've lost 60 of the over 100pds this drug put on me. For me, Methadone took my cravings away immediately but along with that went my Spirit, Drive, ambition and I all around lost interest in everything but the T.V. and Ice cream for the past 4yrs.
    I'm writing this because people need to hear that you CAN come off of Methadone, IF YOU WANT TO.

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    peacenik is offline Administrator
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    Wow, I'm so glad it's going well Methadonna. Welcome back.
    Dave

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    arlenewla is offline Senior Member
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    Hullllloooo Donna ~

    I remember you too but am not sure if it was on this site or another.

    What you're doing is fantastic...an amazing accomplishment! Coming from 95mg to 15mg took tremendous committment on your part. Inspirational, my dear!

    And you're right...the longer we stay around, the more likely it is that we'll hear our own story. Scary when that happens, huh? You kind a look around and wonder HOW the speaker/writer knew exactly what was going in YOUR life. I too have had that experience. It's a spiritual awakening that we're not alone.

    So you're getting skinnier by the moment...or should I say...by the milligram? Fantastic! Yet more gift of not being on MMT!

    And Donna...so many more gifts await you. You are proud of you...and I am proud of you too. Please keep posting, my dear. Your story and determination will give hope to others. Love, Ar



    Arlene F.
    EXODUS FROM MMT
    NOW HAPPY, JOYOUS & FREE

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    Spent is offline Junior Member
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    I'm off Methadone for 8 months now and feeling great.
    I have so much energy now it's frightening.
    I was on a 130mg dose for 12 years.
    I was a bit grumpy and tired at the end of the tapering.
    I went really slow and it was MUCH easier than I ever imagined.
    Took two years or so, and it was well worth it.
    I put this off for so long because I was so scared of my dose changing even 1mg!
    Now I realize how that fear was preventing me from moving on.
    I'm all for MMT. It helped me a great deal. The heroin years were really awful (as we all know).
    If you're ready and able, setting yourself free of MMT is a very liberating feeling.
    The sun seems to shine brighter and the world seems amazing again.

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    Spent is offline Junior Member
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    quote:Originally posted by methadonna

    BRAVO! To whoever thought of " this forum " SUCCESS STORIES " I NEED to come here and READ how to help myself by believing in certain people who are REALLY INFORMED. Arlene, I identify with your story SO MUCH. They do say that if you keep coming, you will hear YOUR STORY. So true. I just did. I just hope when I'm done, I will do the footwork to pursue a career in Alcoholism and Drug Counseling. THAT is what God had and still has intended for me. I know because I L-I-S-T-E-N. My Profession comes awfully close to doing that, Hair Design, etc. People just open up to me and I KNOW that I can make a difference in people's lives but that is down the road for now.
    I've been detoxing for the past year from Methadone. I began from 95mgs, went down in 10's at first, then 5's, then 2's and now I am PROUD to say that I am on 15mgs. and going strong. I WILL finish this detox.
    I am waking up to life again, I've lost 60 of the over 100pds this drug put on me. For me, Methadone took my cravings away immediately but along with that went my Spirit, Drive, ambition and I all around lost interest in everything but the T.V. and Ice cream for the past 4yrs.
    I'm writing this because people need to hear that you CAN come off of Methadone, IF YOU WANT TO.
    Congrats!!
    Just saw this.
    Sounds like what I went through exactly.

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    arlenewla is offline Senior Member
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    quote:Originally posted by Spent

    I'm off Methadone for 8 months now and feeling great.
    I have so much energy now it's frightening.
    I was on a 130mg dose for 12 years.
    I was a bit grumpy and tired at the end of the tapering.
    I went really slow and it was MUCH easier than I ever imagined.
    Took two years or so, and it was well worth it.
    I put this off for so long because I was so scared of my dose changing even 1mg!
    Now I realize how that fear was preventing me from moving on.
    I'm all for MMT. It helped me a great deal. The heroin years were really awful (as we all know).
    If you're ready and able, setting yourself free of MMT is a very liberating feeling.
    The sun seems to shine brighter and the world seems amazing again.
    Welcome, Spent ~

    And congratulations....after 12 years @130mg, I fully understand how very difficult this was for you. Without doubt, I relate.

    Thank you so very much for posting your experience. Your are, most assuredly, a SUCCESS STORY. :D:D Warmly, Arlene


    Arlene F.
    EXODUS FROM MMT
    NOW HAPPY, JOYOUS & FREE

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    peacenik is offline Administrator
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    “Coming Full Circle”

    I wrote this for my 19th anniversary in Feb. I took my last dose, my last drug of any kind, on Feb 18, 1987..........

    I was on methadone maintenance for 6 years the second time. I had an off and on addiction to heroin for 12 years I had been through rehabs, had been on methadone once before, and had been detoxed countless times. My six years on methadone had started out OK, but it wasn’t long before the feeling of being “straight” from my dose wasn’t enough and I began taking other drugs along with it.

    I went through smoking joints, taking valium, and eventually I started drinking regularly, and shooting cocaine. I knew I had to do something as my wife at that time had thrown me out. I couldn’t do the simplest of things like keep my car fixed because I constantly spent my money on drugs. I knew as well that I had to quit it all. I had tried 1/2 way many times before and I also knew that I couldn’t detox outpatient. I didn’t have the will power, or patience for it.

    I had lived in a recovery house once before. I had gotten kicked out for using, but I knew I needed a lot of help and to completely start over so I went off to treatment thinking that I needed to try again. I heard of a Dr who supposedly could detox you , even off MM so I called him. I took a last drink from a pint bottle of vodka I had, hid the bottle in the trash basket and asked my mom to drive me to the hospital. I was 36 years old.

    The detox was terrible. I was in the hospital for 30 days getting no opiates at all. I got massive doses of clonidine. They would check your blood pressure before they could give it to you, so I took to trying to run around the bed, or do a few push-ups when I’d see the nurse was coming so my pressure would be high enough.

    I did seem to be improving a bit when at 30 days they sent me off to rehab. I had been through this rehab once before, so I was put into the “elite” “chronic relapse” program that was 6 weeks. This was fine with me – the longer the better. It was a real, real struggle getting through those 6 weeks. I was sleeping a little when I got there, and maybe 4 or 5 hours a night by the time I left.

    Towards the end I went for an “interview” at a recovery house in Pennsylvania not too far from the rehab. I told them I really wanted recovery, but a few days later my counselor told me that they turned me down. I asked him to please try to convince them to take me. The alternative was to fly to another place, in Arizona. My counselor really went to bat for me, and the day before I was to be released, he told me they had a spot for me. The house ended up being the beginning of a whole new life for me. I lived in that area for many years – I met my wife there. I often wonder how different things would have turned out for me if I hadn’t gotten in to that house. Things didn’t go so well for my counselor though. He had a lovely wife, and a couple years later I heard that they were divorced. Not long after I read in the paper that he had been arrested. It’s more of the irony of this messed up disease. But Chuck M., if you can somehow hear this – I hope you’re OK. You saved my life man.

    I was firmly into post-acute withdrawal by the time I moved into the recovery house. I arrived with a small suitcase, a few clothes, and I think, maybe $10. My wife had called it quits and my parents had pretty much given up on me. The only upside to all this was I was sure able to start over from scratch! I started going to a bunch of meetings. I was really fortunate in that the house didn’t push you into getting a job, they charged very low rent, and we all got a check from the government that covered it. There was a meeting place where they had meetings at 10:00am and at noon Monday through Friday. I would walk there every day. I’d also go to an NA meeting every night. I know this sounds excessive, or maybe boring, but physically, I was still pretty sick I don’t think I could have worked so the walking and the meetings were what I needed.

    I remember after a month or two at the house, I was going to receive a check for $100 or so. I had been, as I said, going to all these meetings, I had a sponsor etc. Well, the thought of that money started the old addiction up and I felt the obsession to use building inside of me. I thought for sure I was going to fall. Well the day the money was going to arrive my sponsor called me and started asking me about planning some kind of picnic or something for NA. Right then, talking to him on the phone I felt the obsession to use float away from me, like I could feel it being lifted, and I felt, for the first time in so long, that I was free, and that I was where I was supposed to be. Despite the PAWS continuing for another year and a half, I never have had that powerful obsession to use return.

    So really, the first year or two was for me, very simple. I got in place a whole bunch of positive recovery tools. I went to meetings, I read recovery books each night at bedtime. Gradually, I started picking up the pieces of a normal life. I got a job, started saving money. Eventually rented an apartment from my boss and moved out on my own. There were so many little victories along the way. The day I was given a credit card, when I bought a car and it even had air in it! The day I made it as a journeyman in my trade – now that was a proud moment.

    Throughout this time of course I also had the post-acute symptoms. Now after the first few months they are much less severe, but still the very first thing I would think of each day when I woke up, was that I still feel off. Getting through the PAWS was a struggle that like so much in recovery, ended up being a gift - something that has added so much to my appreciation of life. First you kind-of get used to the symptoms. but they drag on and on. You get a little better, then it gets worse again. Eventually, and I know this probably sounds strange, but I came to realize that the PAWS were helping me stay clean. They were a constant reminder every day that using just once would put me right back into addiction. I had to stick it out! The wonderful thing is that by the time the symptoms went away, I had come so far that there was no way I was ever going back.

    Acceptance. Man that’s a big part of recovery and as tough as it is getting past long-term opiate addiction there’s one thing I’ll say. That is if you make it, you sure will have learned some acceptance along the way. They say addiction is a threefold disease, the physical, the mental, and the spiritual. Well I’ve come to see that we opiate addicts, cursed as we are with the worst possible physical component to our disease, don’t suffer near as much with the mental problems other addicts do. Sure, it’s tough as hell for us to get that first year, but when we do, look out. We have wonderful recoveries because we have gratitude for some pretty simple things like just waking up and being OK.

    I don’t know how much of the latter stages of withdrawal is purely physical, and how much psychosomatic, but I do know that around 18 months out I thought that even if the symptoms dragged on forever, I still would not ever go back to using. Shortly after reaching that level of acceptance came the morning when I awoke and realized “hey, I feel normal again”.

    So that’s what the first two years were like. They were tough. It took structure, patience and acceptance. After that you’ve got what they call a “foundation” and life gets a whole lot easier. Years 2 through 12 went pretty smoothly. A life rebuilt. I met a pretty young girl, fell in love again and got married. We lived and recovered together, a couple years later had a baby girl, still later bought a home. I though everything was so good that nothing could stop me. What I didn’t realize was that I had had done a fantastic job of dealing with my primary addiction, but that I had created a little world where I thought I was safe. I hadn’t hardly begun to let deep feelings come back in my life. I hadn’t taken a look at just what it was that caused me to want to run away from life in the first place.

    About 6 years ago my wife relapsed. There began a time of pain, fear, and feelings I had buried long ago. We eventually started with a really great therapist and I began to see that the reason I had fallen into rigid ways in my marriage, and the reason I couldn’t let go and forgive was that I had never learned how. I was raised in an abusive alcoholic home and fear and abandonment were what I grew up with. I had learned to pretend things were not as they were, learned to bury my feelings, and learned to escape reality long before I ever stared using drugs. Drugs had just become the most efficient method.

    I hadn’t gone to meetings for many years at that point. But though I had a few times where I thought of using, I didn’t really come close to relapsing myself. What I did was I started going to ACA meetings ( Adult-Child of Alcoholic) and reading and learning about healing the kid who didn’t get a chance to grow up in a happy home.

    A lot of this stuff is very deep and personal, but I’ll say this. Most of us have “issues”, childhood trauma, or other things. If we give up the drugs, sooner or later, when we’re ready, they will come up. Today, I look at the pain I went through then just like I do the struggle I went through with PAWS. As an opportunity for growth and a time that has in the end brought much more happiness than hurt.

    As I started to get back in touch with me I took a look at the fact that I had tried to stay safe. I realized that we had stayed near where I had gone through treatment because of fear. Who wants to change anything when you’re still clean and things are OK? Well my wife and I talked and we thought “why not another new start?” We decided to sell our house pack up our stuff and move out to California. What an adventure! It was really something to feel free enough to do it.

    We’ve been out here going on 5 years now and everyone is doing very well. Our marriage is strong and our kids are growing up healthy and happy. I can’t begin to say how I feel seeing that the patterns of addiction and childhood problems that went through my family for at least three generations have ended here in my family.

    When I first started going to ACA I remember there was this guy who was sharing about this woman who wrote and held seminars called “The Work”. It’s premise was that you need to “embrace reality” sort of that there is no negative stuff that happens to us that we should love it all. Now I was still full of righteous anger then so I hated the very idea. But now when I look at it I think that’s how far I’ve come.

    So I guess that’s really what I mean about coming full circle. As addicts we can’t handle reality we escape it anyway we can. In recovery we can learn to love even the pain because we know that just means we’re about to learn something. It took me 19 years to get this far, but that’s OK. I sure as hell look forward to the next 19.

    On Monday in celebration of my 19th, my wife had bought tickets for the Bonnie Raitt concert at Symphony Hall in San Diego. On the way down I was thinking how much I love California how nice it was for my wife to think of this, how far she’s come. Leading into the second song “I will not be Broken” Bonnie said “Well, I’m coming up on 19 years sober”. Man….talk about knowing you’re right where you're supposed to be....Dave
    snapper, Andy1, skinnylove and 1 others like this.

  12. #12
    pameather is offline Senior Member
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    Man I just read your story again,and got watery eyes. Your a very lucky man.Oh yes condradulations.Unbelievable!! Sorry im just speechless.HUGZ

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