WOW Christyn,what a heck of an accomplishment. HECK NO DONT GO BACK!!!! You are so lucky to be where you are. I know it took alot to get to where you are now too. Please share with me,and others how you did this. I am just glad to see another success story here.Oh yes also welcome,and i hope you stay in touch.

Yes you will! I'm so glad you posted Christyne. You have a lot you can offer the guys here just starting out.

You are definitely a success and I hope you'll share in more detail what it's been like.
Dave

I got through all this with the will to do it call me crazy but it was like a spritual awaking or something, the other fourm told me to go back i don't want to be back at the clinic ever again. how many of us feel that way?

I DO! I DO! I DO! I will never go back to the f'n klinik- NEVER NEVER NEVER!
I'm glad you found your way here Chrstine. Dont listen to that site-listen to your heart. Mine tells me everyday what a nightmare Methadone was and how my payback now is AN AWESOME LIFE- CLEAN! I intend to keep it that way- I didnt like that Bad Dream!

Mary


'.....better to be unloved for who you are than to be loved for who you aren't. We can only understand what we are shown'

I couldn't agree with you more so when my 2year methadone free life comes around next month i'll do something nice with my self. On other fourms they think methadone is a permant soultion and it did help but i got control of my life

Methadone- sucks but, I detoxed successfully.

4 YEARS opiate free March 17, 2010
Three years has past since I took the 1st step towards my new life- its going to say this way.

Many thanks to Peace for sending me here and encouraging me to write this~

It all began with pain pills- November 1999- I had injured my lower back. Somehow. Maybe due to doing 'mans stuff' for 30 yrs. or lifting heavy stuff, or a rear end car accident. Anyways-

My back pain was very persistent. I also had a sciatica nerve in my right leg that wouldn’t quit either. I had to work, take car of my sons, fix the cars when they broke, had a husband, (now my ex), sleep, cook dinner & wash & clean- take care of the house. You get the idea.

Rx'd- Tylenol 3 > Motrin> Vicodin>Lorotabs> Percocet> Norco>Ultram >Xanax> Oral Steroids>several types of NSAID> Epidurals>Oxycontin>Valium>Avinza>Oxycodone. Eventually, 3 yrs. later I had surgery- a laminectomy with a fusion, L4-L5. But my back pain did not stop there…
I had begun the Norco at 20 mgs. /day and I ended up at 500 mgs. /day. The Norco relieved my pain, or I convinced myself it had, and 'it' eventually became my DOC.

Eventually, and I can say this only now because I am clean- I had became a *****, cranky, a monster- not concerned about anything 'fun' anymore- or life itself. Never 'really' happy- deep down inside I was hurting- bad. I had isolated myself from everyone, even my family. Going through the 'motions', day by day, month after month, year after year... Just stringing myself along to make sure I had a minimum of 100 pills at all times-
The pills had become the 1st most important thing in my life..

I still worked. But, I do believe, if I had not quit my DOC when I had I would have most certainly been fired.

I was rx'd 120/month of Norco's from my pain management doctor and the remainder of pills I needed for my 'growing' habit I obtained from ROP's and NROP's. I had these going everywhere and to everyone. Kept a 'black book', per say, for my orders. For MY new f'n drug habit.

Several times, when I ran out of pills for a few days, I was really 'dope' sick. Really f'n boag... I thought I was going to die. That 'feeling' of w/d's kept me on top of my supply. I never stole or cheated to get money to pay for my DOC- no matter what the monetary cost... My family knew I was taking these pills- just not the 'higher' amount. I never 'cut corners' where my family was involved due to the ongoing expense of supporting my habit.
Getting them had now replaced the 1st most important thing in my life...

Then one day, early in July 2005 I WOKE UP- I WANTED TO STOP! Why? I don't really know but I guess God was on my side and I was given a second chance. At that time I was being forced to go through alot of life changes- moving out of my home, my ex was divorcing me, (I was heartbroken and eventually ended up in a psych ward over him leaving- we were still involved up until my 'nuthouse' escapade), his family hated me, my youngest son was growing up and didn’t need me as much, I had quit smoking & my financial situation was WAY out of control. I was trying to taper from 50 to at least to a lower amount but no way was it f'n workin...

I researched the UROD's in my hometown- what's another 6K added to my credit card, LOL! I wanted a fast & painless solution to get off this crap- these pills that had taken control of MY life. I then told my oldest son and his wife about my plans.

So what does my daughter-in-law do then? She tells her best friend, who is a psychologist at a Methadone klinik that just happens to be the one my PM doctor owns- right next door to his PM office. Who would have known such a racket exists? I talked to the psych chick- several times.

She convinced me NOT to do the UROD- she has seen the UROD detox 'live'. Patients, all lined up in rows of cots, puking and shi*tting in their sleep, being ignored by the nurses, yelling and screaming while under, bruised and broken blood vessels- some even died. That convinced me to stay the fu*ck away. But I still wanted desperately to get off the pills. I mentioned Bupe to her....

Since I was on such a high dose of the hydro she told me I could not do the bupe, it would not work- that my only option was Methadone. WTF? I'm not a heroin addict! She explained that my DOC was an opiate- so was H. She went on to explain about the 'parking space' in my brain' why it wants the hydro' what happens when you w/d, what happens when you introduce Methadone, how it helps with chronic pain, etc, etc, blah, blah. Ok, I had finally found a way out! YEA! I was at the klinik, bright and early, on August 3, 2005. I was in 'semi' w/d's- nothing I couldn’t handle since I had taken my last pill 3 hrs. before I arrived. I felt like a piece of sh*t and was crying in the waiting room while watching all the 'lifers' come in for their 'breakfast'- wondering how I came to be an addict. The first thing my intake counselor told me, 'Only 3% of Methadone patients, who make it off Methadone, make it back out w/o ever using again- and stay clean'. Oh, just f'n great- should I walk out now??? NOPE-NOT ME... I love a challenge and I took it. I was not going to fail...

I apologized to my PM doctor- crying all the while. I felt like I had deceived him- I deliberately withheld my 'actual' intake of hydro. I learned the 'ways' of the klinik, got in before work, always passed my UA's cause I didn't take anymore hydro or anything, all the while feeling like I didn't belong there. I mean, people are people but they make their own decisions in life. I was not in for this for the long haul and I didn't intend on staying there. Besides, I didn't like the 'breakfast' they served! I began at a max of 60 mgs. and started dropping 3 months later- when I got take-homes. I was ready to 'really' go home. I wasn't lost anymore.

The taper amount was suggested by the other doctor at the clinic- < 2 mgs. / week, on 2 different days, 1 + 1 mg. I didn't EVER feel a difference, unless of course I talked myself into it-LOL! After I set my mind straight that was it baby! I made it down to 9 mgs. w/o any troubles until I 'freaked' out over the relationship I still had with my ex. That's how I then ended up in the psych ward. I had become suicidal. My Methadone, now at 9 mgs, was stopped-right then and there- March 17, 2006. BTW- I agreed to the 'cut' based on 2 doctor's advice that I will be OK- and not feel a thing. WRONG...

I suffered a lot- beginning 3 days later. Oh, the ward did me a lot of good alright- mentally. I learned a lot about how to get through 'life's curveballs' w/o pills. How to realize you can't change people, (I wanted to change my ex's mind about the divorce). I met a lot of others, mostly everyone who was there, who were x1000 worse off than I was. But I was in such pain- mostly my legs- If I had a chainsaw I would have for sure cut them off for sure- no joke. I did not sleep, I bet for a week straight. VERY restless- I had to get up during the group meetings and walk every 5 minutes- My back hurt to all hell, I had anxiety & shaking- never had it ever in my life. They would not prescribe anything- again, by my choice. I didn’t want anymore narcotics- ever again. I was literally afraid, scared of any drugs. The drugs they did prescribe did not help- Motrin, Ambien- bs stuff.

I was discharged a week later and went into a partial day program- 10 more days- for my mental healing. PAWS and still in terrible leg pain and I had anxiety to all hell. I had my 1st panic attack. I know now how this feels- Like your heart and blood is trying to break out from your insides and bust through your organs and skin! I finally broke down and was rx'd some klonopin for the anxiety- deserol for the lack of sleep I was getting. Of course, the klonopin was only to be taken for 10 days- max. When I realized I was taking more than prescribed, (yea- you believe it?) I quit it dead in my tracks. Fuc*k that. 35 days after my Methadone stopped I got relief. My sleep to this day is still messed up but I am free of drugs. And I rarely take the deserol. I just go on less sleep- No choice.

My REAL breakthrough came from a poster from this board early in my recovery. I don’t remember his name but and I hope he reads this, recognizes who he is and knows how much I appreciated his advice. It was Readyornot! Thanks guy :

'I knelt by my bed- on my knees and praying out loud, crying, to God and Jesus to help me get through this! I must have gone on for an hour or so. I also recited the Serenity prayer out loud for hours that same day. Still do at least once a day. That's how I was 'finally' released,' IMHO. Thank you. I had forgotten your name but I haven't forgotten you, ready.

How have I stayed clean? It hasn't been easy. At first it was kind of like, I 'won' so why risk 'loosing'? But as real life went on and curveballs where again thrown to me, I found myself thinking about that 'dead' DOC, even maybe H, to 'medicate away' the twists of life & life’s pains and the PAWS. But that’s as far as it got- thinking about it. I have never acted on that thought. That thought about the ‘dead’ drugs stayed just that. DEAD. A f’n thought. Recently, for 9 days, I turned to pot and alcohol to medicate an issue I had experienced. It was a 'very happy' turned 'bullsh*t' experience. But- thank God I came to my senses-wasn't worth a relapse. Nothing is.

I attended NA meetings everyday in the beginning of my clean time and still do, although not as frequently. I forced myself to get out and socialize. I realized I don’t need to replace and/or cry over my ex- that I am most important now. I always work and never leave like I used to to pick up the DOC. The ODR forum has immensely improved my outlook- The laughter and tears, the stories, success and relapse, the guidance and support, the advice- the same kind of issues we all experience with becoming and staying clean. We all have these issues- as addicts. I try to help others on the board- this helps me. I smile a lot- laugh a ton! I met this friend who takes me Harley riding, (that’s all, LOL). I got bob, - another LOL! Heck, were adults here. - I can throw in some funny stuff right? I blast my car radio. The things I used to deem important I now just let go- stupid stuff such as clothes lying on the floor. Or freaking out over ‘spilled milk’. Who cares? I don’t! I made a MySpace site- that was pretty cool. I’m ‘game’ for almost anything and do a lot of spur of the moment stuff. I listen to my I-pod religiously- everywhere- even at work. The loud music stops my ‘bad’ thoughts. I went back to school to ‘create’ a hobby, LOL! My back pain is almost non-existent, although a few times it has acted up but nothing that can’t be relieved with a couple Advil. My mind is now clear and I’ve found my way.

I have re-programmed myself to be happy now that I’m free of the drug demon. I am scared shi*tless to go back down that road again.
In the beginning, I had no idea where I was being taken on this journey of becoming ‘drug free ’ but I’m glad I’m here now. I’m going to be OK now.

THESE DAYS I AM FINALLY, IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE- MY ‘FUN, HAPPY AND AWESOMELY’, INTENSE OPIATE FREE LIFE! I HAVE BECOME A NEW, HAPPIER, BETTER, STRONGER INDIVIDUAL! THE DRUGS DID FINALLY DIE AND I’M LOVING IT- EVERY DAMN MOMENT~

~Mary~


Hydro Free- 8/3/05
Methadone Free- 3/17/06
Happy & Living Life

~the more we tense up, avoiding the pain of getting clean, we'll never learn our fate~

I am crying........Bless you, Mary.

Dee

I'm coming up om my 2 years september 12,2004. I'm excited and i'm going to buy something nice. LOL

Mary! Dee just told me your story was up here. Man i think you are doing awsome,and i do hope you decide to stay here with us. I still envy you girl!! being clean to me would be the greatest thing to feel. Keep on keeping on woman!!!

Christyn 48 You too should put your story up here ,let us know what happend to you,and what made you decide to get clean,and how you became clean. I would like to read about it. MY 2 years EXCELLENT!!!

Dear Christyn, Hi--I would also love to hear your story. I have tried to find it on the forum but have been unable to locate anything. I think that is awesome and I would love to know how you did it and how you have been doing since coming off the methadone.

I have read the stories of Arlene, Peacenik(Dave), Sean, Mary and others who have successfully managed to come off of methadone--and I read them over and over every day because they motivate me now as I am detoxing.

Honey, click on "new topic" and start your own thread. Here is little bitty you with your HUGE amazing success story hidden down here.

When you start your own thread you will get many responses from others and you will also be a huge inspiration for the rest of us trying to get there.
Also, now that you are clean and sober, it's not just bye-bye Christyn, for recovery is life-long and we can all help you with any challenges you experience in your recovery.

Love, Dee

Dee

Mary,
Thanks so much for sharing your story. You are such an inspiration to the guys here just starting out.

And what a powerful and moving story you have! I'ts so full of positive energy, and willingness, and perserverence, I don't know how to pick a favorite part. Maybe one of the very simple things you said touched me the most:
"In the beginning, I had no idea where I was being taken on this journey of becoming ‘drug free and clean’ but I’m glad I’m here now. I’m going to be OK now"
Yes, brought a tear to my eye as I remembered feeling the same way, and all the wonderful years I've had since...

You will too Mary, it's very clear from what you've written. We who are in recovery don't have the time, or the luxury of complaining about how tough it is, we're too busy trying to find out what lesson we're supposed to be learning from all this.

And of course I remember when you were just starting out, and struggling, and those at another site were telling you that you weren't going to make it. It's so gratifying that I was able to steer you over here, and see how far you've come. I was thinking about that issue just this morning when I read this:

Chinese Proverb
"The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it."

Just keep goin' girl I'll tell you, after 6 months, things get better and better.

Dave

I started out using amphetamines. Didn’t take long for things to get out of control, though I thought I was fine, fine to be awake for 3 days at a time. Only when I came down I would be in physical agony. Was working in a brothel at night to support my habit, mum by day.
A friend recommended trying heroin to help “come down”, and , of course it worked beautifully, and so inexpensive, I only needed so little, compared to the amount of money I was spending on speed it was a godsend.
I thought I wouldn’t become addicted , of course, I was far too intelligent for that! Ha ha, guess the joke was on me.
Only took a matter of weeks before heroin was my drug of choice, and I had dropped the speed altogether. My 2nd marriage had just fallen apart, I had three children under 6, and the heroin helped numb the pain. Unbelievably I still believed I wasn’t addicted…..Till I tried to stop…
I thought I had the flu at first…except every time I had gear, the “flu” would disappear, only to return the next day. It got harder and harder to look after the kids, harder and harder to get out of bed. Took about 2 years before I awoke to the fact that I had a habit, and went to seek treatment.
At the time I was withdrawing pretty badly, and not coping too well. Didn’t have support, I was estranged from my family, I felt I couldn’t go through a “cold turkey” , not with the kids to look after.
I was offered methadone, and jumped at it……and at first, it was great! It did “normalize” my life.
I was able to get out of bed in the mornings and function like a normal mother.Didnt have to sell my body to support my habit..Life was pretty much ok for the first two years.
I switched from a private clinic to a public one. Started to sell my done, told myself “everyone else is doing it”, I was buying the kids stuff., overcompensating for the guilt I felt I guess. I couldn’t work out why all the guys from the clinic were all “hanging out” really badly all the time.
Then I started injecting my “done”, and I knew.
I was on 130 mg a day, on 5 takeaways a week. I would go into the clinic, have my “dose” and pick up my takeaways and inject the lot.
And be a very sick lady for the days in between. Depression. Depression Depression. Could hardly drag myself out of bed on Tuesdays to get to the clinic, I would be hanging out so bad. The kids raised themselves. Mum stayed in bed.. ………time…passed…………..8 years………..I was mrs rip van winkle……They brought in a new “policy” at the clinic. Anyone who had been on there for more than three years would either have to find a chemist (and pay for their methadone) or would be offered a chance of treatment. Rapid detox . The drug trials. I wasn’t interested, at all of course, I had heard on the streets that they only detox you off methadone if you are under 40ml.. And, besides, I didn’t know anyone who had done it successfully, you know how it is, you know someone who knows someone who did it, and it didn’t work, etc etc..
But the time came when the clinic gave me the ultimatum, And I went home and checked out the pamphlet they had given me a few months earlier about the drug trials. Don’t really know what made me ring, I was so sure they wouldn’t do me, guess I was just curious. To my surprise, they booked me in for an appointment to see a councillor. After two visits, she really got behind me and fought for me to be a part of the drug trials. She was so very determined. I didn’t believe she would be able to though, so I wasn’t too concerned. Well, wasn’t I shocked when she got me in. I was SCARED. And so soon, too. Less than two months time I would be in the hospital doing a rapid detox. They booked me in for the 26th November, two days after my 36th birthday.
And time flew.
Before I knew it I was travelling down there. Coz of my high dose, they told me that the longer I could go without dosing, the easier it would be for me. I hadn’t had any methadone for four days. I was sick. Had to travel on public transport, and lie down on the train, a lady abused me, but I was too sick to respond.

Finally, to the hospital, but they knew what to expect, and medicated me with benzo’s straight away. Thing is, you had to be free from benzo’s for months before you did the rapid detox, or it wouldn’t work, coz they use the benzos to sedate you, as well as medazoline (dazzle) so they don’t put you right under, only a “twilight” anaesthetic, so they don’t have to intubate you, less risk.
And what a day that was! Get put under “hanging out like a dog,” come to and you don’t know what your name is. Who are these people next to me, I know I should recognize them, but I don’t know who they are (my children)
Still in withdrawal, kinda anyway, but not “craving”. I was so weak . My brain and my body were out of sync, inside I was screaming out, but my body was sleeping, and I couldn’t move.It was like I was still there, but my body had gone on holidays, and was doing the “cha cha cha” Apparantly, these were all aftereffects of the medazoline, and usually you sleep through them, still “under”, but because I was on such a high dose, I had a tolerance like a bull elephant. The next day, I was given a list of instructions, a huge bag of meds, and sent on my way, with my “support person”. That’s where the fun started. I was taking avanza(antidepressant), clonodine(blood pressure), xyprexa(anti-psychotic),stematil(anti nausea), Naltrexone(100mg per day, tablets) valium, temazepam, quinusol(cramps) Buscopan(stomach cramps) ondansitron injections(diahorreah). Anything else? Now I cant remember. But I do remember leaving the hospital, and I saw a girl I used to see at the clinic, I wondered where she had got to. Apparently she had done the rapid detox 3 months earlier, and was now heading in for a benzo detox. Bloody hell. I was determined I would take it easy on the benzos. I didn’t want that to be me…
The next two weeks was hell. I wanted to die. I wanted to sleep. No matter what I did, I couldn’t get comfortable. My back hurt, I was too weak to get out of bed, too anxious to stay in bed. My heart was racing, I couldn’t keep food down. Diahorreah so bad even with the injections that I had to stuff tissues down my pants all the time. My kids had to get me out of the bath one night, I was too weak to get out myself, just sat in there and cried. Everything was too bright, seems even my sense of sight had been dulled by the ‘done’. Now it looked like the colour had been turned up too high on the whole world. I had a friend look after the kids for the first four days, thank god. But my friends were all on methadone, too, even my support person. My next door neighbour started checking in on me, we had been casual friends, but now became close. I forced myself to walk every day, even if it was just to the local shops, to try and raise my endorphins. Most days during that first week I didn’t think I would make it home. Id have to lay down on the courtesy seat in Woolworths, and just breathe. The days were so long, a minute felt like an hour. Some days I would have to ring a taxi to get me back home and I lived less than 1km away. My kids came back home, and they were really scared. They busted my “support person” shooting up in my bathroom, she was asked to leave, and my neighbour took over. Seemed like I would never get through it, every side effect that I was warned I may have, I got. My heart raced so badly I went to see a heart specialist. Just my body in ‘panic mode’, searching for opiates! Painfully slowly I could see an improvement. Just a little tiny improvement, but everyday I was just a tiny bit better than the day before. Three weeks down the track I still couldn’t eat. Four weeks, still couldn’t eat. Began to drop all that weight I had stacked on from being on the methadone. I was 86kg when I was weighed in the hospital. Now I was 70kg. I rang my mother. She hadn’t heard from me for nearly 10 years.. She sent me and the kids plane tickets the next day. And she got me up there, I was living in Sydney, she was in Brisbane. She started feeding me, at first I couldn’t keep anything down, but she started me on miso soup, I kept that down, kept improving, day by day. My kids were getting agitated. They didn’t know their grandparents, and resented being chastised by them. They were playing up, they didn’t know who I was, only that I wasn’t the mum they had always known. I had recovered enough to take them home.
I thought things would be so much better once I was straight, but it wasn’t. I had a lot of emotional s**t I hadn’t dealt with over the last 10 years. I cried like my heart was newly broken over a marriage that had ended a decade ago. I decided to move, my first husband stepped in , told me he would look after me, leave everything behind, just bring myself and the kids. I gave away all I owned, and I did it. Moved over the other side of the country, sick. He started undermining me to the children (the two older ones were his, the youngest to my second husband.) after three weeks, he kicked the girls and I out, and kept his son. I moved to a refuge. Still recovering, still getting a little better every day. Went through court for custody. Got my own place. Wow, life was really hard. I went to the doctor to find out about getting another script for naltrexone, he didn’t want to know about it, apparently they don’t give scripts for naltrexone in western Australia, you either get implants, or you can do a “daily pickup” at the chemist, the same chemist that dispenses methadone.So I quit the naltrexone . I had all this free time, empty days. I decided to find my passion, I was no longer sick. Four months had passed, and I was still vulnerable, but I was ok. I enrolled in tafe, began to meet people. And began to live. Met a beautiful man. Moved in with him. Two years to the very day of doing rapid detox, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. What a gift! And she has a mother that is drug free. I had a lot of work to do with my children, they were teenagers, and were feeling they had been neglected when they were younger. They felt they had missed out. They are really anti drugs now. They needed to get to know me all over again, I was a totally different person.
Four years has almost passed now. On the 26th November is my little girls 2nd birthday, and my 4th anniversary of my emancipation. I have a job now. I found my passion and followed it, I used my stubbornness to get me through. Now , looking back, I can hardly believe that person back there was me. I am so far removed from that person I was. I believe total abstinence has worked for me, not only from drugs, but from people that do drugs (with no desire to quit), and also from alcohol and prescribed drugs. Its funny, but now I wont even take a panadol unless im desperate.
I rediscovered joy, I rediscovered myself. I had lost myself along the way, and at first when I was straight I didn’t know who I was anymore, and would I always be defined by my addiction? Do you go from being a “junkie” to an “ex-junkie? And guess what! The answer is a resounding NO! I love my life. If I can do it , anyone can. You just gotta believe that it can be done. And by the by, my endorphins are working just fine, and I don’t believe that I have any brain damage from taking methadone all those years or from doing the rapid detox. In fact, if the methadone hadn’t been available to me at the time I wouldn’t have made it to the place I am now, I believed I would have overdosed on heroin years ago. You can get off it, you can get your life back. Theres heaps of us out there who have done it, just not everyone wants to revisit it. You go on with your life, and the life you had before seems like a bad dream. Someone elses dream in fact.

roslyn,
Thanks for sharing your story. I really liked your telling of the rapid detox experience. Just goes to show, once again, that there is no "right way" to detox. When it's your time you'll make it.

Also, I see you are totaly abstenent from all drugs, so am I. I never push total abstenence, because I feel that's something people need to decide for themselves, but it's worth noting that most of the people here with a long time off opiates have given up other drugs as well.

Dave

I'm here to share my experience, strenght, and hope. It started before back surgery in 83. I was working 2 VA back clinics in the LA. area, the doctors would just give me what I wanted for pain. They didn't have computers. The meds stopped working, and finally had surgery. It worked, but, I was addicted. The job I had, I went in 6 to 8 bathrooms a day, thats alot of medicine chest. I got the nickname of the rifleman, never took to many to get caught.
In 1989, I hooked up with 2 women, that showed me how to chase the dragon, hell I thought you couldn't get addicted smoking tar just shooting it. It started out just friday nights, then turned to friday and saturday nights. Before long, I was waking up monday morning with the flu. I was hooked, line and sinker. So I went into a 90 day in house rehab at the VA. Went to meetings when I got out, and talked out the side of my neck. One night at a meeting, I saw one of my brothers from the program, and found out about needles. I was a gone then, it was my new love. While in the rooms, I heard about methadone. The VA would give it to me free, every day. Back in those days, we had this yellow stuff that was strong.
I didn't use H for about 2 years. Then started playing around with it. I became the master at beating piss test. I worked at a company and had 10 employees under my supervision. The middle of summer and i'm wearing longsleve shirts. Then my veins started to give out, and got abscesses, so I went up in dose and tried to curb my using. Ended up in the hospital many times from abcesses. VA was testing LAMM, and put me on it. Didn't matter how much I shot, I didn't feel it. Couldn't beat piss test anymore, so I stopped. Got back on regular meth, and went back to using.
I was fed up with it all and got down to 50 mgs, and moved to Georgia in 99. I took my last dose crossing the miss. river. Went cold turkey, 16 days of hell. Checked in a program for 9 weeks. Had a little bout with fentynl. Then started going to meetings, alot of them. I turned into a N/A nazi. Thats what I had to do. Working the steps I started to know who I was. I haven't looked back since. I started to sponser other addicts, and told them to suit up, show up, sit back and shut up. Life is good for me today, the monster is still inside of me, but I keep him at bay. I know i'm just one high away from that PMS, pain, misery and suffering. 6 years and i still wonder if my brain chemistry will ever get back to normal. I just don't ever want to be the pig i used to be, one day at a time. I know today i don't have to be a slave to that poison anymore. I'm free, but I'm aware. You see I am a addict, I accept this. It can be done, theres hope without dope.
Good luck and Godspeed TC

It is, what it is.