Dfx

So i'm 28y.o. and this is my first time on mmt and this wonderful board. i've had a heroin habit that lasted 3 years. so i plan on being on methadone for 1 year. i want to gain confidence from this time on it, the confidence that i won't go back to doing heroin again. i've tried quitting heroin before, but the cravings always drew me back to it. i'm also going to go to therapy and keep taking my anti-depressants. i'm gonna attend my first NA meeting this friday. i plan on cutting my initial DOC which was alcohol, from my life. throughout the years i just kept switching addictions. it goes a little something like this:

alcohol > ecstasy > cocaine > crack > crystal meth > alcohol > heroin.

yes, so it's safe to say i went through phases with my drug use as i'm sure i'm not the only one who has done that.
but i'm also just tired of all the heartache i cause my parents. they really care about me and it breaks my heart when they are looking for something in my bag and out comes my syringes. nothing made me feel like **** more, then when my mom asked me if i was using those syringes for heroin. i had to say yes. no use in lying anymore.
so my parents see my improvement, they don't actually understand what methadone is. they are from brazil and don't really understand heroin addiction because heroin is not that big in brazil. they just think i'm going to a drug program every day. so in one way or another, they are aware that i'm doing the right thing, as far as taking care of my addiction. but i wonder if they would approve it if they knew what methadone is and how opiate addiction works.
i'm not even getting high on my methadone, so i'm not doing it for that reason. i'm really doing it so: A) i won't get sick for now and B) i have something that takes care of the cravings.
now i really hope i'll be able to tell the doctors that i want to start detoxing when that time comes(a year). i had my 1st meeting with the other doctor in the program, i guess the one that stays on the clinic's floor(not the one who gave me the physical), and it really seems like they'll tell you anything to keep u on the methadone. i told him i had itching and i only get itching from opiates. i told him i knew it was from the methadone, and he said that it wasn't and that's impossible. so i knew from then on i can't trust the doctors from the clinic.
i'm really doing this for myself though and i do consider the time i'm on methadone as sober time. if i don't take anything else it's only fair, isn't it? i haven't been doing any other drugs except the ones i'm prescribed. no benzos here. i have some anxiety sometimes, i'm going to see if my doctor will give me hydroxyzine for that.
well, i guess that's all, i'm new here so hello all. just wanted to give a "new person brief" thread.

Megzy

Hey Dfx,

Welcome to ODR and congrats on wanting to change your life. It's great you are going to go to your 1st NA meeting. There is a lot of help in meetings and I hope you can reach out to some people and get some support.

I was on methadone and I don't really have one good thing to say about it. I noticed your reasons for getting on it: "i'm really doing it so: A) i won't get sick for now and B) i have something that takes care of the cravings. I know how you feel when you say that but if you think it's hard getting off h you will be surprised when it is time to get off methadone. It is no picnic and it just postpones the inevitable. I would never recommend methadone to anyone but I would say if you already on it do it as short term as you can (as in less then a month).

Glad you found us.

Dfx

now i'm having second thoughts about being on methadone. i think i'm going to do a rapid detox at my clinic. i really dont' want to drag this out for a year just so i'll face the inevitable. after reading much of the hell stories about coming off of methadone, it has gotten me a little freaked out. i've been using it for 2 week. i know it will be bad, but it might be a little bit better if i stop now then in a year. after hearing many people call it such intense names(mmt). i feel that it's not worth the weeks of pain. of course i don't plan on going back to heroiin, but at least now i see my opitions are worse for trying to do a light w/d from heroin. maybe i'll get suboxone and take it when i'm really feeling like ****. i don't know...i just know i don't want to go through week and weeks of hell. but i'm also scared at the cravings. i see that i have to be mentally strong so i don't relapse. i hate having an addiction. oh god. it seems like there's never an easy way out. it was so easy for it to begin.

ThePrecipice

I would stop the mmt immediately and deal with the H directly.

glynntoo

I cried when I read your posts. I see my daughter in you completely. Absolutely wonderful intentions and full of hope. My daughter has been on MMT for about 5 months - I am scared to death for her. She went on MMT without talking to anyone about it and didn't research it. She often feels nauseus and has headaches but cannot believe it could be caused by the MMT because she feels "SAFE" taking it. She is scared of detoxing. Like you, she doesn't want to be high and she is scared of withdrawals. Evidently her detox from H was unusually bad. MMT is sold to people with the idea that it will give you time to "get your life together" - that is not happening in her case. I met with the Dir. of the Clinic and they could not tell me a taper plan because there is none. The closest I heard was "between the Dr. and the patient to determine when they're ready". OR if they miss a payment then they take them down QUICK....God bless you in your decisions - you seem like a smart young woman - you can determine what is best for you. At least going in to this you said "one year" - so always you had a time in your mind. Hugs.

Jonesinhard

I'm really glad to see this !! Good for you, and I'm kinda glad you're a little freaked out, in a happy that you can get the hell away from methadone before you get stuck with the liquid handcuffs way. You're 28 right? You've got a lot of living to do my friend.

Stick around and we'll figure this out.

Kenny

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Franz Kafka

Dfx

Thank you all and i'm sorry to hear that about your daughter glynntoo. as far as you calling me a smart woman. hehehe. i'm actually a man. sorry to disappoint you.
well, yeah i'm a little scared of the withdrawal. and i need something for now to take care of the cravings. and i can't get arrested for methadone so that's a plus.
so i was talking to my mom today and i was explaining the symptoms of withdrawal to my mom. and she said, if it's legal and it keeps you out of drugs then it's worth it. then i told her about the body aches and she said that at least it would be less then the pain of drug use makes for you and for us. so in a way i kind of don't wanna stop now.
i tried talking to the nurse who gives me the methadone, and she said you have to talk to your counselor and then he'll talk to the doctor. and then in a meeting that happens on tuesdays, they'll decide if i should be lowered or not. and she said i'm not ready to have my dose lowered becuase i'm not stable yet. i'm a non-confrontational person by nature so i just dropped it there. i told her that i don't wanna be on this for months. and then she asked me, why did you come here then? i didn't know exactly how to answer that. i'm just scared that if i try to lower my dose. i'm gonna get this never ending run-around. if that's the case i'll just stop going @ 60mg and go to a detox facility on my 3rd day. maybe i should demand no methadone right? just demand valium, clonidine, immodium and whatever else might help.

glynntoo

No idea why I assumed that, dfx....so sorry...(but, I still think you're smart).....

The question the nurse asked you, "why did you come here then?" in response to you didn't want to be on it for months....says a lot.

So glad you were upfront with your parents.

Megzy

Hey Dfx,

Have you read around here on the methadone forum? If not, I suggest you do, there is a lot of helpful and real life experience here. You might also want to research methadone a little more, there are pro-methadone sites out there that will sing the praises about methadone and there are also anti-methadone sites that have horror stories about methadone. In my anti-methadone opinion, you should pay attention to the horror stories., it will save your life!

Dfx

Yeah, i guess i've been reading a bit of both and am more shocked at the anti-methadone sites. the doctor at the methadone clinic says if a detox from methadone is done correctly, you won't feel much pain. should i even believe him with that? and he didn't specify what's the amount of time that must be put into a "correct" detox from methadone.
thank you very much for the compliment glynntoo. yeah, i think being honest to my parents when i'm seeking recovery is the best thing i can do. they should know where my head is so if i feel like using one day, they can maybe talk to me more or less. be nicer to me that day. maybe make my favorite sandwich or something, lol. i don't know, but it's just good to be on the same level with them.

glynntoo

Dfx, it's kinder to tell them directly. They knew something was amiss anyway. And, oh yeah, if they could they would talk you out of using...but, that's in your control....you might get a sandwich, though....There are some people on this board who know so much about detoxing, etc. Keep reading....you'll see something that will help. Good luck.

bobby

dfx
welcome to odr
went threw what your going threw their is not one good thing about the methadone or clinics in general when tapering my dose actually had to argue with them if my decrease was not in. you do have a say so into your duration to taper down they could do a blind detox or you can sign for a 30 to 60 day detox
do not let anybody tell you that you cannot take decrease you got to be the one to push that subject
with the nurse their not aloud to say to much to any client go figure whats that tell you one thing when your at the clinic just take a minute to look around theirs nothing good at all about the methadone
b

Megzy

HI Dfx,

Just wondering how you are and how your first NA meeting went?

Dfx

So i've talked to my mom and she said i should stay on it even if the withdrawal symptoms are bad. she said at least you won't be causing this family and yourself pain with your drug use. which in a way it's true. but when that year is up. i'll just go to an inpatient detox or something when it gets really bad. i'll start going down in july or august so i'll go down to at least 30mg and decide if i want to go on suboxone or not.
and megzy, i didn't go to the meeting that day, i was just tired cause i've been helping my mom with some mortgage business and some other stuff. so i was tired by the time it was time to go to the meeting.

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Megzy

Hi Dfx,

Good to see ya. I am glad you are talking to your mom and being honest with her but it sounds like she has no clue about methadone. Does she? I bet if she had a clue her advise would be very different.

I really am only trying to help you. But I was warned too about not going the methadone route and I didn't listen either. Wish I did. I always thought I would be different then the other people that had problems with it.

It isn't that easy either to get into a detox when you are on methadone. I had a very hard time finding one that would take me and the few I did find required that you had to be stable on 40mgs or less. And it sure as hell isn't a short little 3-7 day detox.

Whatever you decide to do, we are here.