Everyone know's a Martha! She just didnt' get it...

LJ_R

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.

They include:

Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

Herman's Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.

Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.


Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

M arvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Leo Sayer --- Yo u Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba--- Denture Queen.

Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.

And Last but NOT least
Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again

<center>You can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking that caused them in the first place.</center>

LOL![88] As a boomer, I can say that those revised lyrics sing to me.

How many crack addicts does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two.

One to change the bulb and the other to peer out the window.

Arlene
Free;12-25-02


<center>THERE IS NOTHING SO REMARKABLE AS BEARING WITNESS
TO THE TRANSFORMATION OF THE HUMAN SPIRIT</center>

3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.

The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.

Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.

He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".


<center>You can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking that caused them in the first place.</center>

Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "If I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town, being out of range she wants to send an email.
She walks into the office supply, and says, "I want to send an email to my sister telling her that I've bought the bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The clerk explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, comfortable."

The clerk shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. She'll read it slowly."


<center>You can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking that caused them in the first place.</center>

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product. Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?'
'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

__________________

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

__________________

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a traffic cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on , I was only in there 3 minutes" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil necked moron. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!

So I called him a horse's arsh. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!

This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. My car was parked across the street.

__________________

A blond was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, "go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them."

A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wyoming?" The blond replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."

__________________

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my Gosh! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

__________________

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him.

They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel - they said, because it was bigger.

One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Slowly, Johny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20

__________________

Three Texans went hunting in Alaska

They were dropped in a remote - by plane only - location.

The Bush Pilot would be back a week later.

When he arrived, all three texans had moose all ready for transport.

The Bush Pilot exclaimed, "we can't carry all that outa here , we'll never clear that tree line over there on take-off!

The three Texans scoffed, " **** Man, the bush pilot we had last year said HE could do it. BUT if you can't.."

The Bush Pilot, interrupted," WELL, If HE said he can do it then lets get it all outa her then, cause i can do it too!"

His ego got the better of him cause they did not clear the tree line - then crashed.

Plane parts were scattered about the forrest as a Texan screamed out," Anyone alive? Where are we!?"

Another Texan yelled out," About 50 more yards than we made it last year!"

__________________