Thread: Funny Crap and Practical Jokes

LMAO - THIS IS HYSTERICAL, I LOVE THIS THREAD:D

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BLACK TESTICLES

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a
difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse
appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse", he mumbles, from
behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young
nurse replies, "I don't know, sir. I am only here to wash your
upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back
the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his
testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she
takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
sir!!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely...... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c
k?"

:D[:p]

:DLMAO:D
A couple was on the porch in their rocker chairs. They were pondering their life and all the years together.

Suddenly the wife stops rocking and just slaps her husband!
"what the heck was THAT for?" he asked.
The wife responded it was for over 50 years of lousy sex!

They continue rocky..after a while the husband stops and slaps his wife!
"What was THAT for?" she yelled!

He looked at her and said" THAT's for knowing the difference!"

:DLOL - that was way funny!@##

Ok one day all the organs decided they wanted to be boss - the brain said, 'I am the machine, the smartest of all of you - I should be boss', then came the heart 'without me pumping you would all die, I should be boss' then the lungs, the liver, the kidneys, the spleen , they all pleaded their cases. Then the Arsch spoke up, and everyone started laughing, saying, you? what do you have to contribute besides poop? lol - then he said right, and stopped functioning, every organ instantly suffered, they could not function at all. So they gave in and said, fine, you win, let the Arsch be the boss.

The moral of the story:

You don't have to be a brain to be the boss, just an arsch!

:D:D

:D[^]LOL:) Mowing
On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking a cold drink and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"

I took a drink , wiped the cold from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy *** neighbor and then calmly replied,

"I am. That's why she cuts the grass."

quote:Originally posted by jdude
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"

and then calmly replied,

"I am. That's why she cuts the grass."

Dooo tell? LMAO!:D:D[8D]

OK..so I left out the part when I woke up with the dog still licking my face.[:I] Not me..still happily divorced.[:0]

I did however manage to embarass myself yet again in public!

Went to the lake to go swimming with my son. Hot, hot day. Just jumped right in...something I almost NEVER do. The water was soooo cold..I stood up and shouted "damn this isn't swimming..it's birth control"[:I][:I]
The good news..I was sober. The bad news..I was sober, and still remember the looks on all the moms faces.[:0]:D

LMAAO - don't you hate those nosey bitches?:???????

oh, but they, are oh-so-perfect? so why should the wife not mow the lawn, she may enjoy it, after all wives do almost everything anyway!@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ I mean, have you ever seen a mom take a day off? LMAO

:) Hey RC I've been a single parent since my youngest was in training pants. Besides the bra and stockings,OK..maybe the occasional teddy..but it wasn't FOR me[:I]...I can really relate to the mom thing.
Most of the time.:) There was a time when DAD realized daughter needed more than a t-shirt. Went to a store I thought worked on commissions, found the most simpathetic looking sales clerk. Pointed to the rack, pointed to the daughter....pointed where I'd be waiting.;) And it only took "daddy's princess" two weeks to start talking to him again.:D

It was a long hard day at the golden gates. Two men walked up. St.Peter looked at his watch and said" It's almost quiting time for today, I have time to process one of you". The two men looked puzzled, knowing one of them would have to spend the night on the stairs outside. The first man stepped up gave his name. St. Peter looked pleased when the records reflected this man was of the clergy.

The second man walked up, gave his name, and St.Peter jumped up, grabed the man by the hand and led him right in.

As the gates were being locked for the night, the clergyman asked what was that man's profession. The reply " a taxi driver"!

Amazed the preacher asked" I devoted my life to God...I had a 2,000 member congregation!"

St.Peter replied.." Yes..and when you were preaching, alot of folks were praying. BUT, when THAT man was driving...EVERYONE was praying"

LMAO,Too funny,good ones yall.

Nine words women use...
1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.



2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.



3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.



4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission.. Don't Do It!



5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)



6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.



7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.



8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying *@$# #&%!



9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.

:DTo continue jdude's hysterical post, her are a few excerpts from the woman-man dictionary:


That's okay, you don't have to _______ = You have to, or you will not get two things you want later.

Let's go out tonight. = I'm not cooking or cleaning.

Could you do me a favor and_______? = I need you to do this.

When you get a moment = NOW

Have you seen the_________? = Go get the item.


When we are talking to a girlfriend on the phone, then glance over at you and start laughing, and say, "I hear you", into the phone, you are not being paranoid. We are talking about you, or at least about men in general.

Are you awake? This can go two ways. Either, we want to talk about something that's been bothering us, or, WE WANT SOME![:p] It is worth saying, "Yes" to this one, unless you've just had a bad argument.