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  1. #37
    RaiderChick is offline Senior Member
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    LMAO - you guys are FRIGGEN HILLARIOUS[:p]:):D[:p]

  2. #38
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    A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
    >pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the
    >bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
    >
    >"Quick," said the woman to the lover,"into the closet!" and she
    >pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
    >
    >The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
    >bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
    >
    >
    >"Who are you?" he asked him.
    >
    >"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
    >
    >"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
    >
    >"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the
    >man replied.
    >
    >"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
    >
    >The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards"!



    "We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them"..A.Einstein

  3. #39
    RaiderChick is offline Senior Member
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    LMAO:D

    Democratic Light Bulb Replacement Policy

    How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?

    That light bulb's never getting changed.

    ************************************************** ************

    Republican Light Bulb Replacement Policy

    How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?

    Three. One to change the bulb, one to call the media and publicize it, and one to blame the electric bill on the Democrats.


    :D


  4. #40
    RaiderChick is offline Senior Member
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    The golf course was haunted by a malicious, evil leprechaun who exploited the ambitions of the poorer players. He popped up beside one unfortunate man who was participating in a club competition.
    "Look," he said, "if you agree never to court a woman, flirt with a girl or marry, I'll help you win."

    "Done," shouted the young golfer. The leprechaun was very pleased with conniving ways, and chuckled merrily.

    When the golfer was in the clubhouse being praised by the other members, the leprechaun popped up on the shelf of the locker. "Hey," said the little elf, "I have to have your name for my records. What is it?"

    "Father Murphy," grinned the golfer as he adjusted his Roman collar.


    [:p]:D[:p]

  5. #41
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    This Thread Has Me...ROTFLMAO :D:D:D:D[^]

    Laughter is the BEST Medicine [8D];)




    :D[^][8D]:D[^][8D]:D:D:D:D

  6. #42
    jdude's Avatar
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    The Sensitive Man:

    A woman meets a man.
    They talk,they connect,they end up going back to his place. He shows her around his apartment.

    She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft,sweet,cuddly teddy bears.
    There are 3 shelves in the bedroom,with hundreds of cute cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows.
    It was obviuos that he'd taken quite some time to arrange them.
    She was touched by the amount of time and thought he had put into organizing the display.

    There were small bears all along the bottom self.
    Medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf
    and huge bears bears running all the way along the top shelf.

    She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a collection of Teddy Bears.
    She is quite impressed by his sensitive side,but doesn't tell him.

    They continue talking,after a while she finds herself thinking "this could be THE one!"
    She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
    He responds warmly.
    They continue to kiss,the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms carrying her to his bedroom.
    They rip off each others clothes and make hot,steamy love.
    She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion,more creativity,more heat than she has ever known.

    After an intense,explosive night of raw passion,with this sensitive guy,they are laying together in the afterglow.
    The woman rolls over,gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,"Well, how was it?"
    The guy gently smiles at her,strokes her cheek,
    looks deeply into her eyes and says:

    "Pick any prize you want from the middle shelf."

    "We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them"..A.Einstein

  7. #43
    dogpaw Guest

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    Jdude,

    That was hysterical! Thank you!:D:D:D

  8. #44
    RaiderChick is offline Senior Member
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    IDIOT SIGHTING:
    I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman
    told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a
    "large" enough motor on the opener.
    I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one
    Sears made at that time a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head
    and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower."
    I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not.
    Four is larger than two."
    We haven't used Sears repair since.
    ______________________________________
    IDIOT SIGHTING:
    I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the
    local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
    From Kingman , KS
    ____________________________________
    IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
    My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
    She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."
    He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. He was a Chef?
    Yep. From Kansas City !
    ______________________________________
    IDIOT SIGHTING:
    I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge. To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
    He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
    Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
    _________________________________________
    IDIOT SIGHTING:
    The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
    She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
    __________________________________________
    IDIOT SIGHTING:
    At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker - she was leaving
    the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully,
    "This is fun. We should do this more often."
    Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
    This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
    ________________________________________
    IDIOT SIGHTING:
    I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
    A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs' office no less.
    ___________________________________________
    IDIOT SIGHTING:
    When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!
    His reply, "I know - I already got that side."
    This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi !
    ___________________________________________

    STAY ALERT! They walk among us .... and they REPRODUCE

    :D[:p]

  9. #45
    RaiderChick is offline Senior Member
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    This should end all "3 Bears Stories!"

    Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my
    porridge?!!" he squeaks.
    Papa Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks
    into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!" he roars.

    Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen
    and yells, "How many times do we have to go through this with you
    idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, 'cause I'm only going to say this one more time:

    > "I HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET !!

    :D[:p]

  10. #46
    jdude's Avatar
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    A day without sunshine is like night.
    99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
    Half the people you know are below average.
    He who laughs last thinks slowest.
    Depression is merly anger without enthusiasm.
    The early bird may get the worm,but the 2nd mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
    Support bacteria. That's the only culture some people have.
    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Change is inevetitable,except from vending machines.
    If you think nobody cares,try missing a couple of payments.
    If light travels SO fast, does dark travel as fast in reverse.
    When everything is coming your way,you're in the wrong lane.
    How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
    Eagles may soar,but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
    What happens if you get scared half to death,twice?
    Why do psychics have to ask your name?
    Group sex is common,use both hands.
    Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,"What the F happened?"
    If the world did'nt suck,we would all fall off.
    Light travels faster than sound.That's why some people appear bright till you hear them speak.
    God has a sense of humor, look at the platapus.
    Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.

  11. #47
    RaiderChick is offline Senior Member
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    LMAO:D

    *******

    RABBIT BREAKOUT

    Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, the rabbits get to talking.
    "I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots," says one.

    "I'm gonna go back to those cute little rabbits," says the second.

    "I'm going back to the lab," says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette."

    :D[:p]

  12. #48
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    A couple were about to celebrate their 50th anniversary, when the wife asked her husband what he would like for the occasion.

    His reply was simple..he wanted to know what she was hiding in the two boxes in the closet.

    She thought for a little bit then consented, and brought out the 2 boxes..handing them to her hubby.

    He opened the first box and there were 3 eggs in the box. A little puzzled he looked at his wife ..and she explained every time he failed to satisfy her needs in bed ..she would place an egg in the box. He thought" 50 years of marriage and 3 eggs ..wasn't too bad."

    He opened the 2nd box and there was over $10,000 in it! He looked at his wife again..very confused. She said " I would sell the eggs for $2.00 a dozen".

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