HUH?[] please do explain Dogpaw

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One day in School........

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said,

"All I want out of life is four little animals."

The teacher asked,

"Really and what four little animals would that be sugar?"

The little girl said,

"A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage,
a tiger in the bed and of course, and I'll need
a jacka$$ to pay for all of it."

The teacher fainted.

[:0][]

Sorry...just thinking aloud. One sof my friends broke up with a guy who is now pulling the ol' "I can't live without you" stuff. I said, "If he can't live without you, why isn't he dead yet?" Sorry for the confusioin.[:I]

Little Johnny was showing off his new bike to Sally.

Up and down the hill faster and faster...then all of a sudden Johnny wrecks..head over heals down the hill.

Sally runs home finds Mom shouting" Johnny just crashed down the hill and the handlebars are stuck up his a@@"! Mom tells Sally ,"you should'nt say a@@..you should say rectum"!

Sally shouts back" RECTUM hell...it damn near killed him"!

"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them"..A.Einstein

Please read to the bottom
WOULD YOU REMARRY??
A Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife "Looks" over at him and asks "THE" question.

WIFE: "What would you do if I "died"? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
;
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND : "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence ------................

HUSBAND: " sh*t."



"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them"..A.Einstein

LMAORAOTF now that was hillarious!@ glad this thread is back -

dog - no worries - understood[]

A young farm couple, Homer and Daisy, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'.

In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done.

Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.

"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Daisy's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor's office.

"What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"

"Oh, it worked good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Daisy'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home agin."

"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.

"Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin' season started!"

LMAO - you guys are FRIGGEN HILLARIOUS[][]

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
>pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the
>bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
>
>"Quick," said the woman to the lover,"into the closet!" and she
>pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
>
>The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
>bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
>
>
>"Who are you?" he asked him.
>
>"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
>
>"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
>
>"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the
>man replied.
>
>"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
>
>The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards"!



"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them"..A.Einstein

LMAO

Democratic Light Bulb Replacement Policy

How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?

That light bulb's never getting changed.

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Republican Light Bulb Replacement Policy

How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to change the bulb, one to call the media and publicize it, and one to blame the electric bill on the Democrats.

The golf course was haunted by a malicious, evil leprechaun who exploited the ambitions of the poorer players. He popped up beside one unfortunate man who was participating in a club competition.
"Look," he said, "if you agree never to court a woman, flirt with a girl or marry, I'll help you win."

"Done," shouted the young golfer. The leprechaun was very pleased with conniving ways, and chuckled merrily.

When the golfer was in the clubhouse being praised by the other members, the leprechaun popped up on the shelf of the locker. "Hey," said the little elf, "I have to have your name for my records. What is it?"

"Father Murphy," grinned the golfer as he adjusted his Roman collar.


[][]

This Thread Has Me...ROTFLMAO [^]

Laughter is the BEST Medicine [8D]




[^][8D][^][8D]

The Sensitive Man:

A woman meets a man.
They talk,they connect,they end up going back to his place. He shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft,sweet,cuddly teddy bears.
There are 3 shelves in the bedroom,with hundreds of cute cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows.
It was obviuos that he'd taken quite some time to arrange them.
She was touched by the amount of time and thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom self.
Medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf
and huge bears bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a collection of Teddy Bears.
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side,but doesn't tell him.

They continue talking,after a while she finds herself thinking "this could be THE one!"
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss,the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms carrying her to his bedroom.
They rip off each others clothes and make hot,steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion,more creativity,more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense,explosive night of raw passion,with this sensitive guy,they are laying together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over,gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,"Well, how was it?"
The guy gently smiles at her,strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes and says:

"Pick any prize you want from the middle shelf."

"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them"..A.Einstein

Jdude,

That was hysterical! Thank you!

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman
told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a
"large" enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one
Sears made at that time a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head
and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower."
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not.
Four is larger than two."
We haven't used Sears repair since.
______________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the
local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman , KS
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IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. He was a Chef?
Yep. From Kansas City !
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IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge. To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
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IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
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IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker - she was leaving
the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully,
"This is fun. We should do this more often."
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs' office no less.
___________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!
His reply, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi !
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STAY ALERT! They walk among us .... and they REPRODUCE

[]

This should end all "3 Bears Stories!"

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my
porridge?!!" he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks
into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!" he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen
and yells, "How many times do we have to go through this with you
idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, 'cause I'm only going to say this one more time:

> "I HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET !!

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