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This Is Me .. (help)

Discussion in 'Detoxing From Buprenorphine/Subutex/Suboxone' started by ReadyForChange, Nov 22, 2010.

  1. ReadyForChange

    ReadyForChange Well-Known Member

    I've been on subs for the last 4 years, before that was Hydro's for 2 years. I didn't love myself at the time I was being introduced to Hydros. I was severely depressed and abusing alcohol to cope with my reality. Up until this point in 2004 I have NEVER touched a pain pill in my life.

    With the depression and alcohol abuse taking it's toll on me; I let my guard down and all self-respect went right down the drain. That is the point where I stopped loving myself and started to explore other options for instant gratification.

    I met a few 'party' friends during this time. I noticed while we were drinking, they would head into one of the back rooms and come out all 'up beat'. I ended up living with them for close to 8 months. We drank pretty hard for those 8 months. The morning after, I would be up and shaking a hangover and they would all be crippled in their beds, making phone calls. A person would show up, and my 'friends' would be up and at em, moving around the house.

    I should have left .. my mistake was asking what they were taking. I should have seen the evidence of addiction for myself, but I was young and depressed. I asked how it made them feel and they gave me the worst but most powerful answer any vulnerable kid wanted to hear; "It takes your problems away" .. I tried it (Hydros) and YES! instantly, I felt like superman. They were all envious of my tolerance level and how I felt the effects with very little substance.

    Flash forward to 2006; Working .. ADDICTED .. blowing a ton of money on pain pills just to feel 'normal' so I could complete a full days work. I've only ever snorted pills, that's how they did it when I was being introduced. I've never popped a pain pill in my life (sub-lingually). Bloody nose almost every day, constipation, lack of appetite .. I felt so unhealthy and needed change.

    It was a different friend who said; "This orange pill is magic, you will not withdrawal". I was DEATHLY afraid of withdrawals from Hydros .. I'd spend my last 10 bucks to ensure I wouldn't have to feel withdrawal first thing in the morning. I was skeptical of the sub and want my DOC. To my amazement, sub did take away the withdrawals. I sang it's praises and felt 'normal' again. I befriended 6 people who got them and made deals each month to score some for myself.

    Fast forward to current:

    This is NOT a magic pill; I am in WORSE shape then I was with Hydros. My body feels so unhealthy and I've lost so much weight, people see me and they are like "Wow, you are SO skinny .." that makes me feel bad. I don't eat while I'm on these bastards. I have constipation and I need laxatives to perform a very natural bodily function, pathetic. Oh how I've abused my poor body all these years, and I've only myself to blame.

    So, the horrors of learning about subs and it's half life and potency only triggered fear in me. "****, I should have just withdrew on Hydros and maybe I would have found success. Now i'm stuck on this poison". But there comes a time in addiction when you feel it in your heart that this life simply just does not work anymore.

    I'm 29 years old, I have no accomplished anything great in a very long time, this poison has me crippled day in and day out. My only objective the past 4 years has been; "Where am I going to get my next dose" .. that is it. The dealers have had control over me, they know I'm hooked and take advantage of my sickness; charging HUGE amounts of money out of greed, requiring different tasks (rides to the store, watching their kids, fixing their electronics). I'm a ragdoll, I'm a nobody .. I'm a slave.

    But NO more of that!!!! I have control over this, I have the say in where my life goes from this point forward. No longer will I allow someone or something to determine my fate. I will no longer be a prisoner, in a cell, with suboxone as his jailer. Telling when I can and cannot do something. I am digging my hole and planning my escape.

    There IS a life out there. It does NOT require a daily dose of evil orange. Things WILL get better and I WILL be all the better for it. If it's one thing subs have shown me, it's how low a person has to go to realize their inner strengths. I simply cannot afford to continue this battle; physically I'm exhausted, financially I'm broke, spiritually I'm in a good place, emotionally I'm stable and mentally I'm prepared.

    The Plan:

    Taper down the lowest possible dose; .5 MG's. I was accustomed to 4-6 MG's per day but since Sept I have cut that down to 2 MG's and now I'm down to 1MG. It hasn't been easy but it IS bearable. When I feel these minor aches and pains, I tell myself "That is a sign of healing .. embrace these pains and remember them, they suck right?". I have 5 MG's left and after they are gone, I will jump. Hopefully I will be stabilized @ .5MG at that time.

    I will be visiting the doctor for Clonidine and Trazadone. I am not working right now and I plan on attending school at the beginning of 2011. I have down time right now to ride these withdrawals out. PRAY FOR ME. I hope the Clon and Traz as well as the taper help alleviate some of the unbearable w/d symptoms, I heard it does help. (fingers crossed).

    I ask that you all encourage me! I will do my absolute best to post daily on my journey to help give insight on what it can be like for others. I have no support system right now and this is really my only refuge. Anyone that has advice, please, don't be shy. Words go a long way with me and when someone says something powerful, I tend to believe it.

    To everyone else out there doing their best to get better; You have to get disgusted in your use and your life. Address a letter to yourself, sum up who you are and how this drug has kept you down. Get mad .. pour it on the paper how disgusting this is. Use it as fuel to boost your spirits. You can do it. WE can do it. One day at a time.

    To those fighting to stay clean; I feel like TOTAL **** right now. You know damn well how this feels, DONT COME BACK TO THIS PLACE. If you've already suffered through the withdrawals, STAY SOBER/CLEAN .. this sucks.
  2. Joplinfrk

    Joplinfrk Well-Known Member

    Just keep this in the forefront of your mind: once it's over, you never need to feel like this again.

    Please, keep posting.
  3. shar586

    shar586 Well-Known Member

    Hi, and welcome to ODR. What a brilliant post. I dont think you could be in a more perfect state of mind than that to do what you are doing. I have faith that you will succeed. Like you, I also had the advantage of being pretty headstrong, and in a good place mentally to do a detox. I had a different DOC to you (heroin) and Im also around same age as you (30) and felt that (finally) this was it. Just remember when it gets at its worst re-read the following quote you wrote:

    'I have control over this. I have say in where my life goes from this point forward. No longer will I allow someone or something to determine my fate. I will no longer be a prisoner in a cell, with suboxone as his jailer. Telling when I can and cannot do something . . . . . . things WILL get better and I WILL be all the better for it'

    Looking forward to following your recovery, all the best till then.

    Shar ;)
  4. Freebird_2010

    Freebird_2010 Member

    I can completely feel and relate to your frustration but more importantly your determination to see your plan through and free your mind, body and soul from the bondage of addiction. Like you I also found opiates at the worst possible time. I was depressed (always have suffered from depression but after my mom died at 47 from liver failure due to opiate and alcohol addiction, I was at the lowest I'd ever been) I also had friends that snorted oxy and I snorted my way into a 200 mg a day oxy addiction. Was afraid to go to sleep some nights. I got on sub a month ago and am going to taper down from the 8 mgs I'm on. Like you, I want my freedom back. I want to feel again. I don't want my mind always thinking about pills. It's consumed enough of me and so I'm using this time that I have to try and build a network of support. This forum is a wonderful source of support but in my opinion I think real life human support is very important. Have you given any thought to going to NA or seeing an addictions counsellor? I think a strong aftercare plan will help us both go a long way in our recovery. To stop the physical intake of opiates is a monumental achievement but if the thinking that led us here isn't fixed, if the issues that led us to self medicate to begin with aren't addressed where does that leave us? Vulnerable and without the tools to stay clean. "Abstaining and recovery are two different things" as a friend I made in NA put it. Give yourself the best odds possible. For all the hard work we put into getting clean we owe it to ourselves to stack the odds as much as possible in our favor.

    Your post is one of someone who is going to succeed. I feel it and you and others here give me the inspiration I need to keep going. Though I'm quite a ways behind you in my taper I would love to share our journey to freedom. I'd appreciate your advice and support and would gladly offer you mine for what it's worth lol. There are far more qualified people here who have gone through what were trying to do and they know what it's like and offer tremendous insight. Nothing like one addict helping another. Which is why I hope you consider NA or other type of aftercare. We need all the "ammo" we can get to beat this. And we WILL beat this-one day at a time ;)

    I'm looking forward to reading your progress and following your journey to freedom. God bless and you and everyone fighting this battle are in my prayers.
  5. ReadyForChange

    ReadyForChange Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the replies all. Very much appreciated.

    Joplinfrk: Yeah, I have a very positive outlook right now. I keep telling myself; "This is bearable! 30 or so days is not so long, compared to the rest of your life". Thanks, I will continue to post.

    shar586: Heroin from what I read is very addicting and the stories I've read have scared me. I was SO vulnerable at that time in 2004, thank God my 'friends' at the time were only Hydros and not heroin or else we would be in the exact same boat. I'm so happy you found the inner strength to make a real change, congrats. I just gotta keep this mentality, and re-read the 'self addressed letter' I wrote the other night when I was doing a fearless self-inventory. Thanks for your support.

    Freebird_2010: Sorry to hear about your mother, gee whiz that must have been hard to go through, one day at time. I can totally see how that could depress anyone, I have no idea what I would do to cope with something traumatic like that.

    About your determination and wanting to get well, and wanting your life back .. I agree 100%. It's a sad day when pill are always on our mind. Determining our every move. I have a friend in another state who has been begging me for over a year to come up and live, she swears I will have to time of my life and meet some of the most amazing people. She has a VERY nice house and a room set up for me. I lied, made excuses and felt like **** all this time. The most pathetic reason I couldn't go? Because I am hooked on sub. I recently revealed to her the real reason and she said; "When you were up here, I could tell something was wrong, I was just praying it wasn't meth". OMG .. do you know how that made me feel? Do I really seem that far gone? I know I've lost some weight but geez .. that hurt and she was being totally 100% honest.

    About your question regarding NA and real life support. I agree, it is important to find someone who is also in the same shoes and progressing forward. Problem for me is, I don't know anyone going through my phase here. Either they are addicted and not realizing the importance of getting off sub (which I pray they find out sooner rather than later) or they are clean. I have not visited any of the NA meetings. I have total faith in the 12-step program but I've yet to look into it.

    You are so right! Recovering and abstaining, two totally different objectives. I can honestly say that what was eating at me in 2004 .. as dark as those days were, they are behind me. What triggered my severe depression has now passed and as a result, it led me down an even harder road. But yeah, a clear mind w/ a well thought out plan has to be in place before we attempt something like this.

    In 2009 I attempted to clean up my act. I was very naive with this addiction and thought; "I don't need as much like I did hydros, the withdrawals aren't as bad (had no idea about half life at the time), because these aren't hydros I'm not addicted". I compared my sub use to my hydro use and it ALL came crashing down in Dec. of 2009. I tried to get off .. lasted 8 days and that's when I realized; "Okay, whole new ball game here .. this is very ****** up". I did my research and found out the sickening reality, subs are by far a lot harder on our bodies, and a lot harder to get off.

    So, my new friend in recovery, I say that although it may be hard and we may not like it .. at all .. it is possible! You said you are at 8MG's per day huh? That was your starting dosage? I was at 4MG - 6MG's and it took care of my addictive behavior. It's when I realized about tapering and the success rate through this method that I started to go outside my comfort zone (usage) and drop it little by little. I'm no expert by any means, but it sounds like you know what needs to be done!

    My advice: Stay in that positive mind frame. Continue to read the inspiring stories here and know that each day will get better. I am finding that those who suffered through the fire .. even in the midst of pure hell .. who wanted so badly to just go back, even in those darkest times found comfort in knowing they weren't dosing those days. That my friend is true inspiration. Find a taper that works for you; although there is some great stories and advice, you know your body and comfort level, if you feel you are making a sacrifice, then you are making progress.

    I am here in support of you and all others as well. I have my e-mail linked so you can send me a personal message if you need. That goes for anyone else. This is my life-line right now and in the coming weeks the readers will witness my transition. As you can see, I love to type haha .. so hopefully I can convey exactly my experience as it's playing out.

    I took maybe; .8 MG's total today. Felt good for the first hour after waking up, started with a slight headache and slight ache in the knees, took maybe .3MG's. At 3.5 hours later I took another dosage, maybe .2 MG's. Really the second dosage wasn't needed, I felt fine but was going to a friends house for an extended period and didn't want to hurt. I figured, as long as my dose wasn't over 1MG I should remain tolerant. I was there 8 hours, felt fine until we ate dinner .. I got fatigued and toughed it out til midnight. Runny nose when I got home so I did maybe .3 MGs more. I feel good now, def. not 'buzzed' but the aches did subside. So, todays dosage: .8MG's (rough estimate).

    Gonna get some sleep right now. God Bless and take care all. Stay STRONG.
  6. rooster

    rooster Active Member

    I had 3 years on a fairly high dose of sub before I quit 6 months ago.

    You have already tapered farther down than I did and that's awesome. I would suggest you continue your taper until you're at such a low dose that you consider it a waste of time to taper any more. Then jump.

    You certainly sound ready to be off that crap and that will play a big role in your recovery. I was the same way, I had got so fed up with the whole damn rat race I finally quit and have not looked back. No cravings at all. That life is over with and I'm working on a new one.

    Hang on tight and stay strong, man!
  7. ReadyForChange

    ReadyForChange Well-Known Member

    6 months? SWEET!!! ;) Congrats!

    Yeah, this taper has been bearable. It's the mornings that I have the most trouble. I am so accustomed to waking up and dosing. So the objective now is to see how long I can go after waking before taking my first dose. I am spreading the 1MG through out the day and trying to wait 12 hours before my first dose, 6 hours for the 2nd dose and the last dose 2 hours before bed. It's not fun and I am feeling minor/mild symptoms but it's do-able.

    I am SO fed up w/ this damn addiction! It's held me back for YEARS. My physical appearance has changed (weight loss), I am broke, I have not made any progress in my career path, I am not getting any younger and I'm simply just so burned out on this substance making a fool out of me.

    I simply cannot wait to start feeling AWESOME again. Even though I am technically dosing, I feel that I am making a huge progression from even 2 months ago. I was using higher amounts to get 'high' and after I'd start to run low on the sub, I'd break it down to last until payday or when my dealers got their refills. Now however; No more spiking, not looking for a high or to feel normal. I am looking to reduce tolerance and hopefully curve some of the withdrawal.

    Thanks for your support! It goes a LONG way with me. :)

    Stay Strong! Keep The Faith. The Plan still exists, God Bless.
  8. Ali_Montella

    Ali_Montella Well-Known Member

    Yeah like People said taper slow as possible and to the lowest dose possible!

    Since you've been on Sub for 4 years then tapering from 0.5 to 0 should take about over a month or even 2 months including skipping days (this is to take out the half-life much as possible). Taking a month or 2 from 0.5 is literally killing some withdrawals, because Sub is some potent stuff. What I did was cut by tiny increments (0.2mg) from a 2mgs tab every 12 days or so until I reached 0.2mgs. From then I skipped days i.e taking 0.2 every 2nd day for a week then every third day for a week. Or you can take 0.4mg for 6 days and miss the 7th, then take 0.4mg for 5 days and miss the 6th and so on until you reach to 1 day. You can do this slower or faster depending on the symptoms. Also you can do it with 0.3mgs or 0.2mgs.

    I was on Subutex for nearly 5 years, it did make me revolt heroin and any drugs/opiates and actually got me off that, so in that sense Sub worked in getting rid of my heroin addiction and life-style..But then I became dependent on Sub, but it did let me do things to sort out my life and thinking. But the addictive behavior only we can change. Minimizing any issues in life makes detox and Recovery that much bearable. We have these tiny doses in the UK so hence it's a tad wee bit easier tapering. Also any form of Excercise does wonders, trust me. I know some people don't have the time or energy but anything even a walk around the block does heaps!.

    Good luck Guys and I wish you a speedy smooth Recovery!
  9. Rainier

    Rainier Well-Known Member

    Hey there,

    I'm right in there with ya. I'm down to something under .5 mg every other day, and thinking about jumping. But I came down from 2 mg really fast, maybe too fast, because I just want off this crap.

    I started on it 5 months ago at 32 mg, and even at that dose, it never got me high. And it did initially take that much just to stop me from getting sick. I was coming off of many years on fentanyl and oxy, and before that methadone. There isn't an opiate out there that I haven't been on at one time or another. And I came to hate sub pretty quickly. All those side effects and no high????? What's to like? But it did stop me thinking about using at higher doses. I miss that...just not enough to go back.

    But yeah, I also feel like sh*t. I'm tempted to just jump now; if I gotta feel this bad, at least I should get something out of it, yeah? If I do, I'll let you know how it goes.

    Hang in there!

  10. ReadyForChange

    ReadyForChange Well-Known Member

    Way to go! Yeah, prior opiates suck .. :( I'm glad you seek'd out help and realized that they all lead to nowhere. That's a high dose Rain, congrats on getting down to under .5MG's .. VERY NICE. I totally get what you mean when you say; you feel like **** and want off it ..

    I've read a number of testimonials that state; 2MG's to lower is possibly the hardest part of the taper. I was thinking the same thing as you, I tapered way to quickly from 2MG's to this. But you know what? Either way, here we are. Would we have done it any other way? My addictive behavior disagrees. As for wanting off them, even at your low dosage, I'd say it's fine! But only you can determine that. Sounds like you're pretty stable, just make sure that it's time. I have total confidence and look forward to reading your journey! Good Luck.
  11. ReadyForChange

    ReadyForChange Well-Known Member

    Overall today was a good one! If I had to rank it on the hurt scale I give it a 5 out of 10. If I had to rate it on the heal schedule, I would give it a 7 out of 10.

    I did maybe .8 MG's again, spaced out between 12, 6 and 4 hours. Felt it worse when I first woke up but stayed calm and lasted 3 hours :) normally I'm dosing within the first 20-30 minutes. So, I feel I've made progress. Gonna do that each morning from now on.

    The weather has been SO crappy, it's literally -15 degrees Celsius with a wind-chill factor of -27. The truck would not start (froze up) and it had me feeling gloomy for the better part of the day. We were schedule to bury a close family friend but because the ground is frozen, they decided to delay til a later date. I don't know, just a gloomy day. But so far it's good.

    One concern is; I recently started dating and have yet to disclose my plan. I didn't think it would be this hard, but it is. We talk on the phone, online and in person and I appear fine. Luckily it's been cold so it explains the yawning, watery eyes and sniffles. I rather scared to discuss this, being that it's so early and nothing is written in stone that we will be together. I can tell you this much, it's been a real burden. Just tonight, on the phone, I started to feel slight withdrawal and that in turn altered my mood, which affected our conversation. Ugh ... at a cross-road.

    I think that I should tough this out and disclose once I've came off the substance all together. I don't want anyone to think they are entering into a relationship with an addict, although that is what I am .. or was, or an addict in recovery .. I hate labeling it like that. To call myself and addict? TOUGH stuff. But that is the truth, no getting around that one bit. Let's label this; Transition! After all, as easy but as sad as it is to say, addiction has become so relevant in so many circles, it's almost becoming a norm to hear of people addicted to drugs.

    So, my last dosage was at 10:00 pm and hopefully it permits me sleep. I don't feel high, normal or in total withdrawal. Slight headache and runny nose about it. Todays total: .8 MG's. (rough estimate).

    With that I bid you all a good night. This desire to get better is only increasing with each decreasing dose. This taper method has some flare to it that I realized. When the addict in me wants to do a 'just a little more' and that orange devil is on my should saying 'you will feel awesome if you do just a tad more' I challenge myself and say; "The more I feel I need more, the more I don't need any at all, in fact, I need less". It's a mental game for sure, but it's interesting .. the will power that goes into this journey. Pray for me.

    Remain strong my fellow transistors! lol ..not even sure that is a correct word. But it sound so much better then "fellow addicts". You can do this .. WE can do this, we ARE doing this! Stop what you are doing, take a deep breath and pat yourself on the back. Tell yourself right now; "I am somebody special, I am beautiful and my life is in my hands. I am doing something amazing" then pat yourself on the back. Cause it's the truth. :)
  12. jdude

    jdude Well-Known Member

    For me.....starting a relationship with omissions (not honesty) is a real weak foundation.
  13. ReadyForChange

    ReadyForChange Well-Known Member

    Yeah Jdude, I hear ya. It's been tough .. we've been traveling out of state, long trips in state and stuff like that .. I've concealed my pills and crushed them before we even hit the road. Carried them in my wallet .. 1MG doses .. it's how I tapered. No way in hell I would have been able to do one dose while at home. During our trips, most times over the course of 3 days .. I would HURT. Yawning .. restlessness while we'd cuddle, watery eyes, aching joints, headache, runny nose .. you name it. The only reason I crushed and stored that way is because I had no money or my sources were out and I couldn't cancel these trips. I'm thankful though, it has forced me to cut down .. and now that I'm down this low, I want to go lower til I'm off.

    As you can see, I can't sleep tonight. Tossing and turning in that bed .. watching "In Treatment" on HBO. Nothing sub related, but they have problems alright. Shoot, I think it's the psychiatrist that has the most problems. I have restless legs and a runny nose. Nothing bad at all, just annoying. On a lighter note; I have diarrhea! After being constipated for so long, let me tell you, these bowel movements are MORE than welcomed. Feels good .. I hope I didn't speak to soon there.

    I've been forcing myself to eat .. was very hungry earlier and ate .. second meal, I forced. I need to put some weight on and get some nutrients in my body. Oh man, I can't wait to see the doc for Traz .. sleep would cut these taper w/d's down by 80% I feel. Otherwise, you hurt during the day and night .. not fun. I couldn't imagine having kids to take care of, a job I had to be at, a spouse to look after, .. my heart goes out to all those who are dealing w/ this damn addiction and having to be the rock for others. May God bless you.

    So, I'll read more inspirational stories on the site .. :)

    Stay STRONG friends, just one day (night) at a time.
  14. jdude

    jdude Well-Known Member

    I usually refrain from offering any relationship advice. And Lord knows our addiction...and recovery....does affect them, past, present, and future. Relationships..just like staying clean, nobody can tell you what's best for you.
    You'll here suggestions...key word...like wait a year. Suggestions or sharing what has worked for them is great. I just don't buy into those that don't seem to have balance.
    Experience has shown me that it is best to put some amount of time between relationships..or making decisions regarding them..and recovery. We will change physically...as well as emotionally. And both will affect our relations.

    Without pulling out a soap box :eek: .....a few questions to ask yourself. What if your stashes fell out, was discovered in a spot check, or some other completely innocent scenario?

    I also belong to the "k.i.s.s" club. :eek: So..keeping it simple.....would you date you?
  15. ReadyForChange

    ReadyForChange Well-Known Member

    Is it normal to become VERY emotional while going through this process? I broke down like a baby just now. Flooded with emotion. I have not cried in over 10 years. Even now, my eyes are welling up.

    When did I stop loving myself? Why did I listen to all these voices? How did I get to this place? The answers to these questions hurt. No joke, they really hurt. I'm a good person, I've always played by the rules.

    Okay .. I'm not innocent. I've allowed these things to happen for one reason or another. I take full responsibility. It's just that I've been so numb for so long .. were these feelings hiding somewhere inside me all this time?

    I can't be in a relationship! How can I possibly love someone when I'm trying to find ways to love myself? I need to heal first.

    You know, I was always told that crying was a sign of weakness, and in order to be a man you should refrain from doing this. If you have to cry, don't let anyone know about it and for don't let anyone see it. -- I have a strong dislike for these people, I believed them and thought of myself as weak. But a friend, a very dear friend who loved me noticed this in me and said; "Water, the most basic yet vital element we all take for granted, the way it makes you feel when you are in or around it, the cleansing sensation it gives has a healing power our spirit yearns for. Your body, made up mostly of water, those tears you hide and conceal are no different from that river, lake or ocean! And by suppressing them, you are preventing your spirit from being cleansed." He also said; "That feeling you get after you've had a good cry, those tears you've released, tell me you don't feel a sense of calm following?" Tonight I finally understand what he was saying.

    Sorry .. I'm just for some reason VERY emotional right now.
  16. jdude

    jdude Well-Known Member

    The emotions...yep part of it. It's a good sign.....you're staring to feel again. For most of us, the active addiction is a numbing...an escape from feeling. An escape from us..and life.

    Look at it as a rebirth.....and what is the absolute best thing/sign a child can do at birth? ;)

    Let the healing begin.


  17. rooster

    rooster Active Member

    I still get 'emotional' after being clean for this long. It takes a good while for the brain to re-balance itself. Don't get me wrong, the emotions are 1000% better today than they were, but I can still feel the residual somedays.

    Early on in my recovery I would get teary eyed watching a damn Sponge Bob cartoon with my daughter!! Sponge Bob and Patrick had a fight, made up and I'm almost sobbing? :confused:

    I wanted to mention to you to try not to get into your head too much during your taper, if possible. I have fairly strong obsessive tendencies and they played havoc with me during my taper...always looking forward to that next dose. If you can set a strict schedule of when you take your meds it should help quite down those obsessive thoughts, if you have them.

    You need to know what you're going through is perfectly normal...as much as it sucks. It is normal.
  18. Parachute

    Parachute Well-Known Member

    Rooster is dead on with my experience also. Emotions are far from stable early on. I was all over the place between crying, and laughing, truckloads of energy to none at all. You will recalibrate and normalize in time. Us addicts hate to wait, hell, I remember being inpatient for my cocktail of drugs to hit!! That is pretty bad considering the only effort was in the consumption. Keep going forward, inch by inch row by row it will get better. I got better from the ground up, and from the inside out. YOu will too.
  19. ReadyForChange

    ReadyForChange Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I don't know what came over me earlier this morning. I was reflecting on my past; how I've let my guard down and where it's led me. My present; After understanding my past and taking responsibility and realizing the piper needs to be paid before he'll go away and finally, my future! I try to stay out of the future, just taking it one day at a time lately.

    That's where I got this OVERWHELMING flood of emotion. I was fearing it was self-pity, but I know for sure I'm not innocent and these things happened because I've let them. It's that, when I was younger I never thought I'd be in a situation like this. This can really happen to anyone; none are guaranteed.

    Thanks for the support everyone, it truly means a lot! I read these stories here, different walks of life and see how each has coped and kept trudging along. Such power and strength in these threads. THANK YOU to the people who have allowed me into your life, your times of trial and to the creators of the site; for giving is a forum for support and networking. What a powerful, POWERFUL tool this is. THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.

    I didn't sleep well at all, only 4 hours. I feel it with my burning eyes and sluggish body movements. I really need to get some sleeping aids. Over all, feeling good.
  20. Bonita

    Bonita Well-Known Member

    Hi Ready...... just wanted to horn in and say welcome and CONGRATS!!!

    I know what your facing it tuff but to end living like a slave one must walk thru it. How ever you chose you will need support.

    Its is doable.. I am now 2yr and one month from my last sub. Wasn't easy but I lived.
    I did want to say something about the tears... I was never one to cry, whine or ask for help. I found that during my detox/post detox the tears were flowing. At times I couldn't tell you why. When they first started I would try and hold them back.. not good. I got a headache and the wd symptoms would exacerbate. I learn quickly (had to be told it was sign of healing) that when they needed to come let them flow. If not in a place I felt comfortable I would leave and get to where I could whale them out. I found after a few times of letting it rip the relief was very rewarding. So hun......LET IT RIP.

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