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It's ME again!

Discussion in 'Detoxing From Buprenorphine/Subutex/Suboxone' started by Crystal, Mar 2, 2004.

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  1. Crystal

    Crystal Guest

    Well, first off...I just wanna say I'm humiliated for my "little girl who cries wolf" ordeal that happened last time I 'planned' to do the bup. but it didn't last long.


    I apologize for that~

    I don't think I was ready and I sure as hell aint ready today...but I've started. I started the Sub. about 45 minutes ago.
    Gonna take some more in about a half hour.
    I don't feel well enough to sit here and type forever...but just wanted to say, that today's my 'RE-birth' day.
    Not only am I turning 32...but I get to start over.
    What a day to do it...but I couldn't think of any better day.

    I've been crying since last night and I'm emotional as hell.
    BUT I AM GOING TO DO THIS.

    I'll let ya all know as I go.

    I'll check back in when I'm feeling a bit better.

    :)


    Communicate,Validate and Appreciate!
     
  2. Loop

    Loop Well-Known Member

    First Crystal-don't EVER feel bad cos its taken you a few goes to get here-we all do it!:)

    Secondly please read my thread under 'Thurs 11am' as I posted my experiences there.I'm on Day 11 on sub n off H n let me tell you each day it gets easier!

    Day1 n 2 I was a mess-couldn't stop crying as well as feeling **** but I know others didn't find it so hard-I hope you're one of them!Day 3 n 4 I noticed I felt better each day.

    Just stay warm n watch lotsa TV!;)Know that 'it WILL get better' n you can do it.

    I didn't really feel 'ready' to start n I still can't really believe its been 11 days!The first few days I didn't feel like posting at all but now I can't stop chattering away!:)

    We know what you're going through so please let us no how you go-even if its bad news!Read Spring's post about 'shame' I think its in the general forum.

    I have to go now cos I've got visitors-its just aswell really cos I'd just have 'talked' your ear off!I'll let others get a word in![:p]

    LOL Loop:)
     
  3. Crystal

    Crystal Well-Known Member

    Thanks Loop! I enjoyed reading your post and I'm happy that you are doing so well.

    I have detox'd before using bup/sub. and last year, April 2nd, to be exact is when it began. I stayed clean for a month but failed to recognize my 'craving' signs.
    I acted upon them instead of doing something to over come them.

    I have ALOT to live for and alot of reasons WHY I SHOULD stay clean and hopefully they will out weigh me wanting to use.

    Like you....I can't actually believe I'm doing this again, but I'm actually in a good mood. Other than feeling like crap.
    I seem to fantasize about what life will be like clean.
    I wonder if i'll get the oomph back to do things and love and be loved.
    I wonder if it could possibly get better between the relationship that I have with my kids(be more active I guess...we seem to have a pretty close relationship now tho.) but it's all that, that keeps me 'dreaming'!!
    It's been a ROUGH road for me as I'm sure with you too.
    We all seem to have our stories and I sometimes find myself trying to 'pitty' myself for MY LIFE.
    I forget that others have their 'emotions' and that some have lived HARDER lives than me.
    I think if I learn to NOT pitty myself and just live....LEARN TO LIVE and take care of all the emotions that I have...I could just do this.

    I gave myself my birthday as a dead line to do this. I not only owe it to myself...but my mom, my kids and my DAD who I miss very dearly)he died of cancer Sept.7th, 2002)

    Anyway, once again...thank you for your post.
    I just so happened to take another 2milgs. of this stuff and besides a headache...I'm FINE!

    Don't know what I was so scared of, other than having to deal with my emotions. I get to feeling guilty cause I've blocked my dads death out and try NOT to think about it all. Last night and today...it's been a constant reminder and it's hard...but I'm glad i'm already starting to 'feel' again...to cry....to feel somewhat releaved.

    "God bless us, right?"

    See ya!

    Communicate,Validate and Appreciate!
     
  4. Crystal

    Crystal Well-Known Member

    Just checkin' in for those who've noticed I was here.

    Took another 2milgrams just after noon and boy do I feel crappy.
    This stuff makes me dizzy. Last time I did this stuff...I thought it was just cause I was swollowing the disolved medicine, that was making me dizzy...but I didn't swollow this time....well, just a little I did.
    Anyway...legs are crampy...headache....and my moods are crazy.
    One minute I'm beatin' myself up(mentally..lol) for even getting myself into this mess. The next, I'm crying...the next I'm grouchy.

    Man o Man...I'm still blessed and am thankful for the one who gave me this stuff. Without them....I woudln't be doing this!

    Anyway...just checkin' in.
    Probebly won't post again till morning.

    See ya and thanks for listening!

    Communicate,Validate and Appreciate!
     
  5. spring

    spring Administrator

    Crystal...first off...Happy Birthday!!

    You can expect that moodiness for a couple days along with the leg cramps and probably even some chills. Not pleasant but do-able. Sure beats a cold turkey! That stuff will probably fade towards the end of your second day. Just keep in mind that it WILL go away and ride it out.
    Yes, You are going to WANT to use. If you didn't you wouldn't be an addict. Just because you have decided to detox yourself doesn't mean that you're going to be able to turn your back on that love/hate relationship you've got going with the pills. Not right away anyway.

    Please Crystal....DO whatever you need to do to stop yourself from that impulse to get some pills. WHATEVER you have to do. It's not an easy thing to do. That's why I prefer being in a rehab myself. It's much easier to avoid when it's not available to me.

    You've got your work cut out for you the next few days. Thank God for the Sub to help give you some strength to get thru it. Please just give it a couple days before you decide that it's too hard to do and give up. Give the Sub a chance to build up in your system and start working.
    Stick close to the board if you can.....

    Reminder....LESS IS MORE...as if you could forget on this board...lol

    ~~~Do the right thing and risk the consequences~~~Spring~~~
     
  6. Crystal

    Crystal Well-Known Member

    Thanks Spring....
    Ur absolutely right with all you've said...IT IS DOABLE, or is that doeable, lol!!!

    I feel like i'm in la la land. Have felt this way all day. Sorta like i've been over by a 'semi-truck'!!

    I DO plan to stick to this, although the thoughts of using are their.
    MOST of my friends lately...I have due to some sort of pill interaction.

    What sucks, is I didn't get one "GOOD LUCK" or "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" from them when they called today and I told them that I ALREADY started the bup. Instead...I felt they were mad at me. Broke my heart. It's like they don't want me to be clean cause they aren't clean.
    I dunno! GOOD LESSON I guess.

    Well...ANXIETY IS KICKIN' MY AZZZ!
    Not doing any anxiety releavers yet, like xanax and YES! I am aware of it's addicting nature so I would ONLY use in an emergancy case....but other than that...it's IS OK.
    I have only taken maybe 5 milgrams today. What I feel is something I can SURELY handle compared to cold Turkey. IF I feel I need more than that tomorrow then I will up the dose...but for now, this is working for me AND KILLS the cravings...so that's good.

    Thanks for posting to me SPring...it means alot!

    Take care and until tomorrow!
    Sia!

    Communicate,Validate and Appreciate!
     
  7. sleepless

    sleepless Well-Known Member

    Hi Crissy....I almost missed your B-Day...HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIRL!!! :) And a BIG BRAVO for starting over...Yanno, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again and again and again, and yet again until you get it right...Sometimes it takes us a lil while to find our nitch and the groovy we wanna be in and the things that work for us personally...So don't look at yer past attempts as failures, look at them as something that was leading up to something wonderful and spectacular :) ...Look at it as God's way of paving the way for you helping you to learn the do's & don'ts of detox/living clean and sober...You CAN do it Crissy, you've said it yourself "IT IS DOABLE"...Your heart is in the right place, now just let your mind follow it and everything will be A-Ok...I'll be praying for you that tomorrow is a lil brighter and filled with a lil bit more hope than today..Now listen Crissy, if my adopted daughter Loop :))) can do this with all the things she had standing in her way and things trying to pull her down, then so can you...You keep at it hun, hang tough, come out of the corner swinging and fighting for your very life girlfriend...You've got LOTS to fight for, so hold on the first few days of crappy, then it will all begin to get better for you...I don't need to tell you all this chickie, yer an old pro (not meaning any disrespect at all) at this, you know what you've gotta do and you know what to expect...You hang on and we'll ALL be here to share in your glory with you when THIS TIME you finally make it :)

    Loop, CONGRATULATIONS BABYGIRL ON DAY 11!!!! I'm just so VERY proud of you, and I'm loving seeing your post and you giving all the supportive advise and encouragement :)..Feels good to have slowly but surely came out on the other side eh.?..Makes yer heart just leap for joy when you can type *Hey, I've been CLEAN for X-amount of days* does'nt it.?...I'm just tickled pink to been witnessing such a wonderful change in you right before my very eyes...Again, girl I'm so proud of you and so pleased with your progress, you keep it up, I know you will :) {{{Hugs}}}

    Take Care & God Bless :)
     
  8. Crystal

    Crystal Well-Known Member

    ((((Sleepless))))
    Tanx girlfriend, it was nice hearing from yas!
    Also...thanks for my happy birthday!
    Didn't feel like a 'normal' birthday, considering...but hey...well worth it!!!
    See ya chicky!
    :)

    Communicate,Validate and Appreciate!
     
  9. stretch77

    stretch77 Well-Known Member

    First of all....Happy Birthday!! Birthdays are special and so are you!! I admire your courage and am praying for your success!! Even though you said you weren't ready, you took that leap of faith and you're doing fine!! I've never experienced the "bup hotel" but may before it's over with. I just want to encourage you to keep up the good work and I am rooting for you!!!
    be well!
    stretch
     
  10. Loop

    Loop Well-Known Member

    Hiya Crystal,how're you doin today?Sorry I missed your birthday!I coouldn't believe how emotional I was the first couple of days on Sub-I burst into tears at the slightest thing!

    I hope you start to notice the days starting to get a little easier now :) Just stay strong!I'm lucky-my friends got clean the same time as me n those that didn't I don't see anymore.It was hard at first but I had to protect myself!Don't let anyone upset you-if you're anything like me you're more likely to give up n use when you're down.

    I'm not feeling very inspirational today.I'm thinking of you though girl n like Sleepless said if I can do it then anyone can!;)

    I'm trying to change my whole mentality along with getting clean-trying to see the good in everything,deciding what makes me happy n not letting things like guilt for my past affect me etc. Rik posted some inspirational quotes in the staying clean forum under 'Rik and Loop'-read em!:)

    I'm praying that you wake up feeling good today.Don't try n taper too quick tho-my Dr pointed out that if you take less one day n feel ok it might just be the Sub already in your system holding you n the next day when thisa runs out you could be ill.

    We're all behind you babe!
    LOL Loop
     
  11. Crystal

    Crystal Well-Known Member

    Hey Loop~
    Sorry your not feeling all upbeat today....I sure hope things improve with ya. When you write...you can almost see the 'glow' on your face, so to speak. That's rare in a writer...so I just wanted to say THANKS!

    Also......update on me...I woke up feeling crappy, but took 2milgrams or so of the bup)it's hard to determine EXACTLY a 2milgram because of the way the pill was cut) but, I am beginning to feel ok.

    I think you saying your trying to have a 'good' outlook on things and try and look at things differently, with seeing the good in things, IS A GREAT I DEA. I too will try that.
    I know that it's only day 2 for me...but I can ALREADY feel a difference in me. My body doesn't allow me to do what my mind wants to do "RUN, PLAY, RUN, LAUGH"
    Kinda weird I know....but cool.
    Well, I imagine I'll take another 2milg. before too long and just stay at 4.
    I don't have a whole lotta these pills, but I am going to try to stick it out as long as I can at 4. I just don't wanna be stuck at trying to get off these at 4milgrams...would rather get off at like 2milgrams or less.
    Will keep in touch, I promise!
    Well, off to get the little one ready for school.
    See ya!


    Communicate,Validate and Appreciate!
     
  12. Eddy1072

    Eddy1072 Active Member

    I've been on Subutex for right at 30 days. They started me off on 8mg once a day and every week, they've lowered my dose. Today, I'm down to 2mg a day and I do have to say that while my dosage was up there, I felt great and yes, you feel like you have a new lease on life. I can definately see if you were to stay on it for a peroid of time how addictive it can be. Being that I'm goin on five weeks and this I believe is my last week. The withdrawls aren't as bad as they could have been with whatever else you were using. I was on a three year high with Methadone using approx 120mg a day. I personally thought that my Dr. was crazy after reading how people have been on this for months and he's expecting me to get off of it in one month. It's really been a battle with my feelings and with the withdrawls. After readings all the posts from people who have been on it for months maybe a short detox is best. If you were to ask me yesterday when I called my doctor and basically Bi****ed him out because he was taking me off to quickly, we talked and he explained that if I were on it any longer how bad the withdrawls would be. He seems to know what he's doing I guess, I've talked to a lot of his patients that have done the Subutex and there still off. I don't know, I guess were all different and seeing how Subutex is so new, I think Subutex has only been available for six months, were all being experimented on.

    Eddy
     
  13. Loop

    Loop Well-Known Member

    Hey Crystal,how's Day 3 goin?:D:D:D

    You sounded really positive before,not like you wanted to use but I know ghow up n down you feel at first n I was just worryin about you.Are you startin to feel better?I hope so.Again,I'm not feeling chatty,I'm so tired.

    Oh but please-work out what makes you happy n then try n do it!I was given this advice n what makes me happy is horse-riding n today a friend of a friend took me riding on her n a friends horse-it was amazing!:D:D:DI was worried I'd have forggotten how to do it but no!It really cheered me up anyway,I couldn't have done this before-I would either have been sick or busy trying to score!

    Just think-now you can do whatever you want to do (within reason!;))

    Thinking of you anyway darlin'!
    LOL Loop[:p]
     
  14. Crystal

    Crystal Well-Known Member

    Hey Loop,
    Actually it's day 4:):):):)!!!!
    2nd, 3rd, 4th, and today's the 5th(so by the end of the day...it'll be 4)
    Anyhoo...it's alright so far.
    I went grociery shopping yesterday and just got back from changing my tire on my car today....SO...I guess I'm doing ok. Can't complain I guess. Things could be worse.

    I've been fighting...NO, wait...NOT FIGHTING, just bickering back and fourth between my "Angel" and my "Devil" "Just one pill" "NO, NOT one pill" "Just one pill" "NO, NOT one pill" LOL! But, that's the worst of it...everything else I seem to handle ok.
    I think it's because of my low dose(between 2 and 4) but I can't really up my dose considering the amount of bup. I have and need to stretch out!

    N e Hoo....thanks for askin' darlin!!!!
    I'll keep ya posted!

    Communicate,Validate and Appreciate!
     
  15. Loop

    Loop Well-Known Member

    Great to hear you're still functioning n a day ahead of me!;)If you keep telling that demon to F@*K RIGHT OFF then he'll stop bothering you so much!I had to gag mine,now al I hear is muffled harrumphing from time to time [:eek:)]

    Stay strong else I'll be round to give you a kicking (in the friendliest sense![:p])

    Thinking of you!
    LOL Loop:)
     
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