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"It's longggggggggggggggg OVER DUE"

Discussion in 'Detoxing From Buprenorphine/Subutex/Suboxone' started by Crystal, Feb 11, 2004.

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  1. Crystal

    Crystal Guest

    My being "CLEAN" that is.

    It's been on my mind since I relapsed almost a year ago.
    I tried one time inbetween to do it and only last 10 days.

    I live EVERYDAY high as a kite. I awaken in the morning, and about 15minutes or so later....that's when It begins.

    My time is used poorly. I spend ALL my time faking I am a good person.
    I spend all my time searching for pills or watching the clock for my next dose.

    I spend quiet time alone and cry.
    WISHING, HOPING and PRAYING to GOD that my agony will end.
    "God, if I can't get clean, please put me out of my misery TODAY"

    Only one of you on here knows about my dads death on Sept.7th 2002 and for me, that was almost like a life stopping event.
    Sure, I've been an addict my entire life(started using when I was 14 or so) but something was different that night.
    I lost my dad for heavens sakes. Wasn't a suprise death, but I watched him die for a year.
    I gave up my life and moved in here with my parents, to help him die.
    I watched his face as he took his last breath.
    Anyway.......Each and everytime I've tried to get clean since then, his memories ect. FLOOD my mind and I try to think of something else or just take a hand ful of pills.
    Well...I decided a few hours ago...NO MORE.
    I've been ready but my pain has redirected my good intentions.
    I have some bup. pills and tomorrow is my 'new day'
    I've blowtorched all my contacts, they all KNOW I'm quitting.
    Wish me luck.
    I've frequented this board often and am NO stranger to all this, just letting ya'll know that you'll definetly being seeing more of me.


    Communicate,Validate and Appreciate!
  2. ashley80

    ashley80 Well-Known Member

    Crystal, I am sorry about your dad. I lost mine two years ago, and I can only imagine how you must feel.
    I am glad you are taking this step!!!! Congratulations, I know how much courage it takes to do this!!! Please let me know how you are doing and if I can help in any way!
  3. Crystal

    Crystal Well-Known Member

    Thanks Ash.
    That means alot!

    Well, today is the day.

    Certainly haven't changed my mind, but 'What if's' keep going thru my head.

    "what if I just use one more day"
    "I can start tomorrow"
    But, nope! TODAY.
    As soon as I start feeling like crapola...I'm beginning the bup.

    Thanks again.

    Communicate,Validate and Appreciate!
  4. spring

    spring Administrator

    "What if" you use just one more day? Well, nothing really.
    Nothing will change. It will be just one more day you are choosing to put off getting clean. Just one more day you choose to "not feel".

    Time is the great healer when it comes to grieving a loss. You can expect to finally "feel it all" hit you once you don't have the pain killing properties of Vicondin in you anymore.

    You can expect to grieve the loss of your dad after all this time and you can equally expect to grieve the loss of your "love", the pills. The only way out of it is either to walk through it or to keep numbing yourself to avoid it.

    When you find yourself making excuses to use again, and you will, just remember this....THERE IS NO GOOD EXCUSE TO USE EVER AGAIN. If you do it then....bottom line... it's because you WANTED to.

    There comes a time when we all have to give up that "King Baby" mentality..."I want what I want when I want it". When we finally start doing what we NEED to do for ourselves instead of what we WANT to do, that's when the healing begins.

    Not preaching to you Crystal, Just giving it to you straight. These are the life changing words a therapist/sponsor once passed on to me.

    ~~~Do the right thing and risk the consequences~~~Spring~~~
  5. sleepless

    sleepless Well-Known Member

    I'm so very glad to see that you have made the decsion all on your own to take that first step towards a *new* and *better* life for yourself :) ..I'm very proud of you girl..

    I can not begin to imagine the grief you must feel from losing your Dad, I have been so lucky to have and still have both my parents in my life, and believe me when I say I'm not using the term *lucky* loosly...So many people I know that are my age have lost one or both parents, and I can not even for a split second begin to even attempt to say *hey, I understand how you feel*...So I won't even try to comment on the loss of your Dad, I will just say I am deeply sorry and will hold you in my prayers until you either e-mail or tell me here *Sara, I'm ok now*...

    Crissy, I know that you are NO stranger to detox, you've been there and done that a few times before, so you know what's ahead of you, you know what's in store that you must be brave & strong enough to over come...The times that you tried to quit before were different, just let them slide, but this time you've really made your mind up and you *want* to stop this time...I have all the faith in the world in you this time, I know this time is going to be the time that you succeed (sp?) and never look back...You know this without me even having to say it, but we are ALL here for you to hold your hand and lead you through this, to wipe away any tears that may fall from your eyes, to make you laugh on the days that you feel like crying, to pick you up and carry you on the days you feel that you just can't take another step...We are here to simple help you to make it out of this to the other side and rejoice with you the day that you can finally say *I BEAT this, and I'm CLEAN*...You have my e-mail chickie, use it anytime you want/need to, I'll even send you my phone # (which I've been meaning to send all my friends here, but have forgotten to do so)...I know it's gonna be tough, BUT I also know you can do this...

    Maybe this is the wrong thing to say here, but I feel in my heart it's something I should say so that you can keep it in the back of your mind and close to your heart when times get tough...Crissy, your Dad is looking down upon you from heaven girly, he knows what you are going through and the things you are about to face..He's going to be the one that helps you make it through the worst of this, he's going to be the one that helps you hold on just another minute, another hour, another day...He wants you to quit and is going to be by your side to help you do just that :) ...I'm not sure what your view is on religion, but I strongly believe in the things I just said to you...I believe he is now your guarden angel, God has sent him to watch over, protect, and help you through any and every hard thing life throws at you...You stay strong and know that where ever you go, what ever you do, your Daddy is right by your side to help you get through, and help you get clean :)

    I know this was pretty sappy Crissy, and probably made you cry while reading it (it sure made me cry while typing it), but it was something I felt I had to say to you..I read your post 3 times before replying to it and even went on to another thread, but I had such a strong feeling that I needed to share these things with you...I love ya girl, and I'm here for you...I know this time you ARE gonna make it and be able to share with the rest of the world the things that worked for you...Keep the faith and keep us all posted...You are in my prayers Crissy :)

    Take Care & God Bless :)
  6. Rohan

    Rohan Well-Known Member

    I just wanted to say congrats! You are a tough person and you can do this! So glad you are going to be spending more time here. I really look forward to it. You can do this!:)
  7. pinkie

    pinkie Well-Known Member

    Good luck Crystal. Let's just all assume that this time you'll make it. Take it slow, and try to keep in mind that nothing you feel will be permanent. Realize that each emotion you feel, and every craving you have will pass. In it's place will come something else, sometimes good, and sometimes bad, but never permanent. Not much else to say, other than Cowabunga!
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