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going to get off sub

Discussion in 'Detoxing From Buprenorphine/Subutex/Suboxone' started by Bonita, Sep 18, 2008.

  1. Bonita

    Bonita Well-Known Member

    Spring... I do need a break for sure. I am taking it too. I really dont feel guilty on doing so either. I am just not as affective when feeling so burnt out. So... Yup... gonna just take care of me for a while. Enjoy time with my family, play and maybe even get some small projects done around the house that I have been putting off due to lack of time. I do need to take care of my life for a bit. I have been working so much that I lose focus on what my needs are.

    TY Old man... it's seeing success that makes you feel like you've helped anyone. I know this is a process and we all get there when we are ready no matter how we choose to get there. The path is different for us all.

    We just need to remember this is a lifetime of growth, never can think we are safe or "stronger" now. Those thoughts took me out before and am not willing to allow it again. I have been so blessed with my recovery. I never thought I would really choose being sober over the love I had for dope. I actually really would rather not be high these days. Today it's not a struggle to not ingest an opiate and I do want to keep it this way.

    I just feel I need to step away from working with addicts for a while. Take time to do the things I need to do for me and my family. I feel I need to pay attention to my growth for a while and not worry about another's life. This way once I am rested, renewed, I may be more enthusiastic to assist another who wants to reclaim their freedom.

    We all as addicts have felt the judgements of how others view us, I dont want to add fuel to those judgements as an addict myself. I have to work for a living and lucky that I can get work in these times. I feel the need to just meet, treat and street for awhile. Its actually higher pay for less work/involvement.

    I wish everyone a well, smooth and doable detox. Most of all I wish all success in staying clean and living the life we were all meant to live. It so possible but does take diligence, no magic cure and takes everything we have to give to learn how to enjoy life as it truly is. Nothing better then being present, not in/out of wd, not counting out the dope to see how long we have till hunting down our next fix. I love not 'just surviving'.

    prayers always to those in need,
     
  2. Friend2U

    Friend2U Well-Known Member

    Bonita

    Just checking in to see how you are. Have you had any tests yet? I can't remember if you were getting insurance feb 1 or march 1...getting old & the brain strain is there lol

    Friend
     
  3. Bonita

    Bonita Well-Known Member

    Friend,

    TY for checking in on me. To be honest I have coward' out of doing anything more for my shoulder right now. I am just not ready to face a surgical procedure and a possible need for opiates. I know me...for me, there is never an option to take dope. My body doesn't care why and once I flip on the switch, game on. I can not flip it off myself. When it comes to dope I have NO control, I am truly powerless. So I have coward' out of doing anything this month.
    I have had xrays and MRI that I paid out of pocket for.. I can read an xray but no clue on mri. My insurance does kick in this month which really is a huge relief off my shoulders. Still not ready to face a surgical procedure.

    So til April I will do nothing. I do have to admit that the pain I deal with daily now is down to a 6 instead of the constant 10 it has been for the last few months. I am doing pt myself and now can pull up my pants, feed myself. Just no weight or lift above my mid chest area.

    I may be lying to myself but I feel I need to be stronger before I will be able to say No TY on the dope thingy. So this coming month I will do nothing but work on me, my program and my own growth. Working how I work with addicts leaves little time for me to concentrate on me.
    I have let my own recovery go lax and that is a dangerous thing. I plan on spending time with my family, my sober coach, and my own growth.

    I remember back twenty or so yrs ago when working shock trauma... I had been there for about 8 yrs and reached the point when I looked at some of the patients that they deserved what happened to them. I actually hit a patient that was shackled to bed... I just lost my temper with his words. Really, just words. I punched him right in the face and drew blood. I reported myself but luckily the patient felt he deserved it and denied that I hit hit him. I could of lost the job and face jail time for that. My supervisor knew I really hit him.. why would I lie about it. She took me aside and told me its time I take a break, move on to a different area so the same didn't happen again.
    I lucked out then but working with addicts I can not depend on luck. If the manipulation and lies bother me that much then I need to take a break. Addicts will lie, will manipulate and that will not change just because I am at my wits end trying to help them. So I need to back off and just concentrate on me for now.

    That old saying pay now or pay later is law with me. I don't get away with chit. If things are bothering me that badly it's telling me I am doing something wrong or not doing what I should to protect my sobriety. I don't see me coming back from a relapse again so I'd rather pay now and take the time I need to work on me. Money will come and money will go... I am pretty good with monies and ahead on my bills. I can afford to take a break. Even if I couldnt afford it I will lose everything anyways if I relapse so I'd rather have to borrow to pay a bill then use over not doing what I should do.

    Ty again for checking up on me. I am hoping by April I feel more confident with myself and able to do whatever I need to do to correct my shoulder. Today... I will just float.
     
  4. Friend2U

    Friend2U Well-Known Member

    Bonita

    You are doing exactly what you need to do! Take care of yourself now, get stronger, get support & be honest. I am glad you can pull up your pants LOL

    Friend
     
  5. guinevere64

    guinevere64 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the check-in Bonita... I was wondering also. Glad you sound so clear about taking care of yourself. Hope to talk with you soon. x /G
     
  6. Bonita

    Bonita Well-Known Member

    emailed you... no response. lets just set up phone time??
     
  7. guinevere64

    guinevere64 Well-Known Member

    Bonita... I did respond to your email. maybe it went into junk? /G
     
  8. Bonita

    Bonita Well-Known Member

    Just update...

    Just past my 4 yr b-day last week and thought I update this thread for those who are still in the midst. I use to hate to read here and then never get an ending to a story. Not that I'm at the end of my story, still wrk in progress. Exciting how life evolves, things change, goals change, out look and priorities change as we grow in our sober living.

    I'm still opiate free. It's not a struggle for me to remain opiate free theses days and still remember the last time I did struggle. It was about 2.5 yrs ago...I actually manifested measurable wd symptoms and had been clean 1.5 yrs. shows you just how strong the hold we gave opiates over our life. I still protect myself as diligently as I did my first yr and plan to the rest of my days on the earth.

    I read back on this thread and it will bring tears to my eyes. I remember just how desperate I was, scared, dreading yet another wd and knew I fock myself royally by looking for the easy way out and putting off the enviable.

    For those struggling, procrastinating, rationalizing use, I'm here as proof this can be done and worth every tear, sweat, loose bowel, sleepless night....I survived a 35 yr habit, clean now 4 yrs and content in every aspect of my life. I think I must of lived a good life at sometime to be where I sit today. Surly wasn't this last life that warranted my happiness today.

    Not going to say it was easy...my first yr down right sucked. Not just the physical but more the emotional. It was hard to grow up. I didn't know how to face daily living w/o dope. I didn't have a strong foundation since I started smoking pot daily by 12. I had no clue how to deal with sadness, loneliness, happiness, boredom....I used something when theses emotions pop upped. For 35 yrs it took opiates to dull these emotions. Today I can move through them with (almost) ease. I can find contentment on my "rough" days now and not reach for dope, pot or a beer to ease the discomfort. For me....this s a miracle!!!

    Today I'm living a dream I never allowed myself to even fathom 6 yrs ago. I'm doing what I'm good at, I look forward to my daily life much less my future. Not any can say they love their work, I can. I love waking up in the morning, pooping with ease, eating and enjoying my breakfast. Not awaiting my dose to kick in before I can move. Not saying my life is perfect. I still have those sleepless nights at times. I still am working/defining my "spiritual" self. Still have the same sciatica, back problems, now shoulder pain/problems but I don't need dope to function..that alone gives me a very deep contentment that's apparently hard to rattle.

    So my fellow addicts...hang in there. When your ready/willing you CAN beat active addiction. Not going to ease out of it but have to face it right on. Be willing to be uncomfortable physically and emotionally. I owe this site much....many we're here for me day in/day out. Listened to my whining, gave me workable suggestions, held my hand for a Longtime. I can never repay them. I don't want to name them all out f fear I would leave a name out but if reading this you w who you are. Actually every member here as contributed to my success today. So I thank every one of you who has shared, is sharing. Even reading from those of you who are in the mist of your struggle play a role in me staying sober. I want to thank you ALL.

    In debt to you all
    Bonita
     
  9. guinevere64

    guinevere64 Well-Known Member

    Dear Bonita, it's so wonderful to read this reflection about your sobriety.
    Equally if not more wonderful to speak with you not long ago.
    In gratitude for all you've taught me. love /G
     
  10. bolt

    bolt Well-Known Member

    Thanks bonita:wink:... I not gonna get mushy but thanks. Not gonna blow smoke at you but you know what you did! And continue to do!
     
  11. Bonita

    Bonita Well-Known Member

    Merry Christmas to all,

    Just dropping a note with the statement I'm still clean. I will also admit I am really struggling and don't know why. I am over 4 yrs clean, doing what I am suppose to do but struggling just the same. Well, honestly I may have gotten a bit lax with my recovery program but stepping it up big time out of fear of my struggle. I really don't get it. Life is ok, not great but ok. Why now? I am dreaming about dope, it comes to mind with any discomforts I have and its daily on the norm. Seems my stamina is weaker for some reason. I could deal with pain on the norm but not dealing well with it now. The pain I experience is not even as intense as it was three yrs ago. My shoulder is in constant discomfort and has been for while now... just not dealing with it as well as I have in the pass. So I am following my own advice and telling on myself in hopes it gives me some strength. I am really at a lost to why I am struggling so much these days.

    I can put some reasons to why but they all seem so menial to me. I really cant even justify these reasons myself ... so to use those excuses why I relapse is just not good enough for me even. I have talk to my sponsor, talked to a friend about it but its not helping me at all. I even spoke to my 86 yr old drug addict mother to no relief. It dosnt ring true to me that its due to pain... dosnt ring true its due to loosing what I thought was a good friend. Nothing rings true as a excuse for my struggling if being honest with myself. I will admit I am afraid. I am not sure if I do use I will ever clean up again. Im getting too old for a detox, even with Ibogaine as a tool. I just am at a lost at what my next step should be to protect myself? Will take/listen to any suggestions.

    Wish all well and safe thru the holidays
    B
     
  12. bolt

    bolt Well-Known Member

    Hi bonita, I am sorry to hear you struggle. It sounds to me like you are getting cocky and you have forgotten how strong your addiction was. I suggest you get back to the basics and take one day at a time. Have you noticed that you have not been very active on the boards? Do you still pray? These are two things that I know help..Now jfyi I too sruggle..evey freakin day..for example , recently it go cold here as winter has arrived..I had to take out all my winter coats.. found myself looking threw the pockets for a hit...luck had it I did not find any..I was afraid....we are all similar as addicts...the day you forget your problem is the day you will be prone to relapse...BTW the holidays are 23 days from now.I/we need you here to help us with our struggle..Please do no stay away.
     
  13. Fox face

    Fox face Moderator

    Bonita the nice thing about our brain is that we can control our thoughts/feelings. The thing that has helped me most is when I start the negative thought or feeling, I catch myself and make myself think about anything else at that moment..... I had to get out of my head and stop trying to figure it all out. I suffer from pain to and it's bad some times, but the dope made it worse, he'll it almost killed me. We're the lucky ones, not easy but not killing ourselves anymore!!
    take care of yourself!!
     
  14. Sub2long

    Sub2long Member

    Bonita,

    although I am nowhere near 4 years clean, just 9 weeks, I do understand the struggle. Each day brings a new challenge to us as addicts. I wish I had a magic bullet to offer but I don't, other than you are not alone and the urges and bad vibes will pass. just get over this bump in the road and you are on your way to many more years of drug free living. It is because of you and other caring people on this site that I have made it this far and i am thankful I found my way here. Just want you to know I am praying for you.

    sub2long
     
  15. Bonita

    Bonita Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys,

    Yeah, Ive not been on the boards much. Mainly just busy working which I think I need to take a break from, then I think HELL NO, this is what helps me stay humble. I see how the addict struggles just getting clean. I don't want to go thru that again. I am hitting my meeting more often. I do share or I call it "telling on myself." I found in the pass if I just tell another addict who's been there it helps. Really not helping but still clean.

    I really cant put my finger on what's behind it all. I think some of its being so disappointed in folks. I know better then to put that much faith in others. As soon as I do I get disappointed. Ive lost some key people in my life recently. At my choice so cant really do anything about it. I cant afford to have them in my life. When they steal or lie to me, hurt others, I have to let them go.

    It could be just the holidays too. I always get a bit melancholy around the holidays. This yr I still have my mother around so lots to be thankful for. I've lost respect for someone who I did have on a peddle stool. NEVER a good idea to have anyone on a peddle stool.

    Bolt...I do come a read here and there. Im very proud of you for stepping up to the plate in being there for newbies. I guess I should set aside a few minute each night to come on.... not like I don't really have the time. I work from my "home", so I surely could. And yes... I pray daily. Just not "feeling it" if you know what I mean? I do feel lit when I have a client infront of me and praying for him/her. Just not getting much out if for my own growth. Not sure what I looking to get except comfort. Not getting that for myself. Hell... not sure its helping whom I praying for either. I guess if just looking at the basics they are getting what they need though. They are alive and doing what they can to get clean.

    Im now back in the states also. I really don't want to be here but need to be here for my family. I cant expect my sister to care for my mother day in/out. She really needs a break from her. Takes a lot of patients to care for her. I need to do my part.

    Well.... I can end the day or each sentence with "but I am clean". That use to be enough for me. Not sure why its not today. Im leaning heavy on "this too shall pass". Really want to pass NOW but that addict mentality. Always wanting it NOW!

    Love to ya all,
    for those struggling... I will and can still say it was worth everything I went thru to get clean. No regrets there. I guess its really true its a life long dis-ease this dope thingy. I guess when we want to feel differently we will always remember dope. damn it. Its all Im looking for is to feel differently.

    Smooth sailing,
     
  16. Robyn

    Robyn Well-Known Member

    Hi Bonita

    I absolutely get what you're going thru right now. Sometimes I have days weeks even months of uneasiness where I just want escape. What I do know now is that running is not an option. In the long run it'll just cause more pain and the vicious cycle will begin again.

    Meditation has been a great help for me. That twenty minutes a day has allowed me to see more clearly what's going on with my thoughts and emotions...and then let them go. I've been lucky to find a meditation group where I live that meets a couple of times a week. I don't know if I would have stuck with a daily practice without it. I don't know if that's a possibility, but maybe you could check it out.

    A book that has really helped me put things in perspective is 'when things fall apart' by Pema Chodren. It's not listed as a recovery book, (I think it's spirituality) but I related to so much of it to being an addict. Had to read it several times before it really made sense to me.

    I still have "those days", but I'm better able to just except my mood and feelings for what they are...fleeting. Even if it seems like forever.

    Hang in there Bonita. You're are certainly not alone.
     
  17. AumuA

    AumuA Well-Known Member

    A peddle stool? That's ... adorable!

    So its that time of year again, eh? Ok here you go. :smile:

    [video=youtube;qYPCg7BkadM]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYPCg7BkadM[/video]
     
  18. Bonita

    Bonita Well-Known Member

    Totally unbelievable!!!!! Not that I didn't work hard for it but this month is my 5th, FIVE yrs opiate free!!!! I'm not sitting on a small boat in middle of ocean but working, living, paying bills, facing real life and still free. It's surreal for me. Never really believed I could make it.
    Things had to change to do it. Had to change my job which was my identity for 30 yrs, worth it.
    Had to totally change my lifestyle, worth it. Changed my friends, worth it. Had to learn how to be accountable for my actions/choices, worth it. Had to endure physical pain/discomforts, worth it. There is nothing I had to do that wasn't worth it. Took me 35 yrs of doing it my way with failure after failure. Detox after detox. Loosing yr a after yr being too sedated to participate in life. Now I'm up to date on all bills, family trust and likes me. I've carved out a new profession that I love doing. Things are not perfect. Yet just because all don't go my way I don't feel the need to run and hide behind dope. I think I'm on my way to growing up. I'm 58 so not like it isn't time. I don't have any extra cash, no savings but I was able to replace my 14 yr old car with a four yr old car but looks/drives like a brand new car to me. I struggle some weeks/months financially and that's okay. I still was able to attend my family reunion in fla. Didn't have to secure my dope first, that's way cool. My back porch steps collapsed and I noticed, making plans to repair it. That's new for me. All and all, life is good.
    Want to thank all the folk here who put up with my angry, unstable mouth when in my first yr of recovery. I was a mess, lashed out at every turn. I hope I've come to all I needed to apologize too? If I over looked anyone I'm sorry for that. Hope I can own up to it. Feel free to hit me up via pvt email.

    Just wanted to share this for all who are struggling. I used all my life. Depended on opiates for 35 of my 58 yrs. Went from smoking pot at 10 or 11 to shooting h and totally dependent. Not willing to pay the price so hid behind meth, then sub, back to h/oxy then made the most important decision and decided I'll do whatever it takes. I was in end stage when I finality surrendered to my addiction. Took an unorthodox path to end my active addiction, was willing to listen to those who had success in staying clean. Now I'm reaping the benefits of my willingness to do whatever I had too. I'm happy even when life throws chit at me. I can deal today. I can endure discomfort out of my comfort zone. Actually my comfort zone has changed.

    Hang in there, do the next right thing and reap the rewards. Life on dope is no life at all. Not promising you'll have it easy, far from that but life w/o having to hide behind dope is so worth living.
    I have true freedom, reclaimed my right to choose instead of dope making my choices.

    Hang in there
     
  19. Fox face

    Fox face Moderator

    Bonita, I'm in between chiropractor and more clients, but want to personally thank you!!
    your words have helped me tremendously! YOU inspire me!
    Thanks Again!
     
  20. Bonita

    Bonita Well-Known Member

    Hello All,

    I do come back here now and then and am sadden this site is dying off. I am just as quilty for not posting myself. So I am here to give an up date on me.

    I am Still CLEAN and happy with life. I am going on 8 yr this coming July. AMAZING!!!! I was one that never though I would live a happy sober life and here I am, content, opiate free and ever so grateful.

    I have hit the big 60 this pass Jan and that is rather scary. Would be even more scary if I was still out there using though. I am still working with addicts who want to get sober and learning more with each person that I meet. I still hit meetings though will admit not near as often. I go when ask to speak, on special b-days , when bored and when I just down right miss them. Who woulda thought I'd miss going to a meeting, but I do. Will say Ive been finding myself going more often as of late. This government of ours keeps me feeling rather uncomfortable to say the least. Ive never been one to get involved with politics but now I can't seem to ignore it any longer. Voting is apparently not enough these days. But lets not talk politics.

    Want to give a shout out to so many here that help me find my way back to life. I hope you all are safe, happy and as stress free as our world allows.

    Love to all...

    I promise to come back on weekly bases at the least... hopefully this site will come back to life and I can give back but don't think I can ever match what was given to me.
     
    Fox face likes this.

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