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  1. #1
    hrush is offline Member
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    Default I did good today!!!!

    Hello everyone. I just recently found this site and it seems to be helpful.
    I am a 26 year old female and have been unfortuante enough to become a heroin addict. I have used many drugs over the past 10 years, but I met heroin for the first time a little over a year and a half ago. I was going through a tough time with a man, and after realizing the relationship was just a waste of three good years of my life I fell in love with heroin.
    Heroin was fun after three years of boredom, and it always seemed to dull, if not completly erase, the depression that came with a bad breakup. We all know how it goes...the fun and excitment of using soon turns into a hell that we never imagined possible. The fun disappeared as my addiction grew stronger, and eventually my days were all about getting that fix, waiting on dealers, driving to the NYC to score, etc, etc.
    I met someone that I care for greatly, and alas he is an addict just like me. We had a good run, went through about 25K in the past year, but now the money is gone, and the only option we have is to sink or swim, to quit or hit rock bottom. My guy is in a rehab and starting a drug court program when he gets out. He has been gone for about 3months now. The first month of that he was locked up in county jail. He will be released from rehab in a few weeks and is serious about staying off of the smack.
    Knowing that he will be home soon, I knew I had to quit. If I continue to use I'll run the risk of losing this great man, or even worse, pulling him back into the lifestyle. I think I would leave him before I did that, I love him too much to draw him back into the drugs. So, I buckled down. I quit going around friends who use, quit calling my connects, basically have become a hermit crab this past week just trying to get through one day at a time without a fix.
    If I go out I know I run the risk of buying something. I can't do that, those days have to be over.
    It has been approx. one week clean since I touched anything. I made it through the three days of of sickness. "I made it, I made it", I keep telling myself this over and over, yet today the cravings were almost unbearable. Four or five times I almost broke down, wanting to go into town to score. I know better. I have bups, oranges we call them around here. I bought them off the black market.
    I was afraid to take them in the beginning, because "what if I decided to get high, I won't be able to feel it if I take these!" So, just like the sick junkie I've become, I'd rather be dope sick than to take something that could prevent me from feeling my precious high. I did good though. I made it. A week later here I am, now what? The cravings are so intense. I can't sleep much, and when I do I have very vivid and realistic dreams about using. I am so frustrated. I am popping the oranges, trying to buy just another day in hopes that tomarrow will be better. Does it ever get better or am I doomed to this hell forever? I feel like a prisoner and all I want is freedom. I want my life back.;)

  2. #2
    anna57 is offline Member
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    Hi hrush. The cravings come and go but at the beginning they are more likely to be there than not. I'm a heroin addict as well,but have been clean of everything for 46 days now. I used sub to get off the gear. I can't really sugar coat it for you,staying clean has been harder and more painful than I thought it would be but each time I get through a hard night/day(and they are not all hard)and wake up the next morning still clean,I truly feel glad and relieved I didn't score,drink or self harm to escape from the pain and obsession. The early days of being clean are kind of like a detox-it is going to hurt and be hard at some point no matter what you do.You kind of just have to sit through it and NOT SCORE no matter what,and eventually the cravings will go and so will the obsession.

    I can't say how long it will take to stop feeling like this,but it will be over a hell of a lot sooner if you don't pick up any drugs.The problem with cravings is that if you feed them,they get stronger but if you starve them,they die down. I know this does not help much when all you wanna do is go out and get a bag. You have been through the worst part of the detox so that is a major achievment in itself. You are NOT doomed to this forever but to be honest and realistic(and this is coming from somebody who is also in the middle of trying to deal with psychological addiction)I've found it quite often gets worse before it gets better.But it does get better...if we don't pick up. Only bad things can come of going back on H and if we stay clean,it's scary cos we don't know what will happen,but I reckon it's scarier to be condemned to the life of a junkie.I know what that is like....so do you...

    Ok have rambled on long enough.Check out my thread in the bupe/sub section if you like,it's got quite a lot about dealing with psychological issues of staying clean.It is called "How I got off subutex...work in progress" and at the moment is on the second page of topics as I haven't had time to update it in the last week.

    Good luck hon,you are doing really well.Keep writing.

    Anna

    "Everything I put ahead of my recovery,I will lose"

  3. #3
    DirtyWorks is offline Senior Member
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    Hi hrush,

    First off, congratulations on making it through the heap big pain portion of the withdrawals. I'm pretty much in the same spot with the really bad pain a few days behind me, with just mild symptoms that are slowly fading. This is always the most dangerous period of withdrawals for me because a slip up now renders worthless everything I've gone through to get this far. In light of that, I'd like to ask you a favor.

    Please don't score.

    You've (you and me both) have still got some rough times ahead of you, but try not to think about it as something that you could end if you scored. Think about it as something you have to do, because honestly, you're gonna have to go through it sooner or later to get clean. Any slip up now just extends the amount of time your life is gonna be unbearable.

    Once the pain of withdrawals goes away, your body will take a while to get it's natural array of painkillers balanced. Just a couple of weeks of feeling semi-depressed and blah, and eventually your body will reach equilibrium. Hang in there, the payoff will be worth it. I'll be wishing you my best.

    -DirtyW

    If there is a witness to my little life,
    To my tiny throes and struggles,
    He sees a fool;
    And it is not fine for gods to menace fools.
    -S. Crane

  4. #4
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    slingblade is offline Senior Member
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    Hi Hrush,

    Welcome to the forum. Speaking generally, if your main motivation to get clean is so your boyfriend doesn't use, that probably won't keep you clean for very long.

    I hope you can come up with some reasons to change that are more closely related to your wants, dreams, and desires for your future. these can, of course, include your boyfriend. But until we make a decision to put out the effort to make changes for our own reasons, independent of anyone else, our chances are slim.

    Suboxone is helpful for some people in recovery. But unless you have an individual dosing plan developed by you and your 'competent, well informed' doctor, I'm afraid you may just be buying time.

    I wish you and your boyfriend the best. I hope you have a great day.

    Stick around and keep reading. Maybe you'll come up with some more reason to stay clean, and a few tips to help you get though the day.

    One week is awesome. Congratulations.

    Love

    Mike

  5. #5
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    Freefly is offline Senior Member
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    The first week is the hardest time hats off to you keep up the great job.

    Tim

  6. #6
    k.d. is offline Junior Member
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    hrush.... great job on getting that week behind you, the key now is to keep those weeks going. And like Slingblade said, try not to use your boyfriend as an 'excuse' to get clean, you have to do this for yourself. YOU are the important one here. It is hard enough worrying about your own addiction than having to worry about someone else's as well, especially at such a critical time in your detox and recovery.

    Stay strong, and many good vibes to you that it works out.

    wanted: peace and serenity

  7. #7
    hrush is offline Member
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    Well, another day. I woke up in a lot of pain today. Aches and pains all over. I started to just sleep all day, but somehow managed to pull myself out of bed and take a shower. I don't plan on scoring today. I just took an orange, hopefully that helps some. Thank you all for your support and advice, it really does help. And I do agree, I can't do this just for my BF, but have to think of myself as well. I want to quit for myself, I just get scared for him because it is so close to time for him to get home and I really want to be clean and in a normal state of mind when he does finally arrive. Again, thank you all. I will most likely be visiting this site daily. Oh, my dealer and "friends" keep calling to "see if I'm still alive," to see "if i need anything, anything at all" hint hint. How long usually till they finally just go away?

  8. #8
    Mercifulone is offline Member
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    quote:Originally posted by slingblade

    Hi Hrush,

    Welcome to the forum. Speaking generally, if your main motivation to get clean is so your boyfriend doesn't use, that probably won't keep you clean for very long.

    I hope you can come up with some reasons to change that are more closely related to your wants, dreams, and desires for your future. these can, of course, include your boyfriend. But until we make a decision to put out the effort to make changes for our own reasons, independent of anyone else, our chances are slim.

    Suboxone is helpful for some people in recovery. But unless you have an individual dosing plan developed by you and your 'competent, well informed' doctor, I'm afraid you may just be buying time.

    I wish you and your boyfriend the best. I hope you have a great day.

    Stick around and keep reading. Maybe you'll come up with some more reason to stay clean, and a few tips to help you get though the day.

    One week is awesome. Congratulations.

    Love

    Mike
    Slingblade
    Hey I've been on the other thread Sub/Burp. I'm really not getting many answers there. I was on H for 6 to 7 months. Went through a quick detox. A week of suboxone and have been off sub for 13 days now. I still have diareha, depressed and can't sleep. Is this normal? And if so when will I start feeling normal again.

  9. #9
    DirtyWorks is offline Senior Member
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    quote:Originally posted by hrush

    ...my dealer and "friends" keep calling to "see if I'm still alive," to see "if i need anything, anything at all" hint hint. How long usually till they finally just go away?
    Ouch, that's rough. Obviously, I don't know exactly what kind of relationship you have with these people outside of the typical dealer-user dynamic; whether you're friends with them to the point you'd hang out if drugs weren't involved, but would it cause any difficulties to be straight up with them, tell them that you're quitting and would appreciate being left alone till you're standing on sober ground (or left alone completely)?

    I told my dealer not to sell to me anymore even if I was begging, and he's kept to his word. I'm lucky, though, that, drugs not withstanding, he's a decent, stand up guy. If it's at all possible for you to do this, I would reccomend it. The last thing you need is someone trying to entice you back, especially if they think they're doing you a "favor" by offering.

    Anyway, good luck and keep strong.

    -DirtyW

  10. #10
    hrush is offline Member
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    Yeah, these are people who really believe I can be, and expect me, to be friends with them even if I am clean. The problem is that they aren't clean, which is a trigger for me. These "friends" are just the friends that I did drugs with, went on drug runs with, etc...I know that it is not me in particular they miss, but instead miss having me around to get high with, and having a ride to NYC, because I am one of the few people in the group, with my own car. We did all look out for each other, and did have some good times, but I know that the friendships were all based on H. I have tried speaking to a few of them and they said things like "so, our friendship was just based on drugs?" and things of that nature. They don't get that I am serious about quitting, and are impossible to expalin it to. I wish them all the luck in the world, and there are a few that I do care about greatly as friends, but I just need my space with NO Triggers! Two of them did understand, they are a couple , and they too are cleaning up and we agreed it would be best to take time away from each other, but all the rest of my using friends are very bitter about my cleaning up.

  11. #11
    slingblade's Avatar
    slingblade is offline Senior Member
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    Hi hrush.

    In a few weeks most of these people will quit calling you unless they can't afford to get high and want you to get high so you will get them high too.

    Or "There's some great sh!t in town but they don't want to bag it out so if you want to chip in we can get a quarter oz for 300 maybe 275."

    I still get calls like that every once in a while. And every time I get one it still kinda plants a seed. If I'd happen to get one at just the right (wrong) time ... Well, you know.

    Mike

    - I was so much older then. I'm younger than that now. - - Bob Dylan

  12. #12
    hrush is offline Member
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    Just to let everyone know, I did stay clean today. Wait....its after midnight....I plan on staying clean again today. I cried a lot today, wait, yesterday, because I realized I only have three bups left, yeah I know, stupied reason to cry. I just don't see how I can get anymore without going to buy some from that house that has oh so many temptations for me. I've been clean for nine days now, are three bups going to be enough for me to get through the hard days with? I guess only time will tell. Thank you all for taking the time to read my posts and offering me your help and advice. It is a great comfort for me in this time of pain.

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