Well im on here trying to reach out and get some help. Well i had 5 years clean back in september, the key word there is had. I got hurt at work and had to have a major back operation. I had my sponsor and a bunch of NA members with me at the hospital and home, somebody held my meds. But the thing is once that stuff got in me it opened the door. Right before christmas i started doing dope[herion] again. I actually got clean for 2 weeks in jan of this year, then my back was bothering took an oxy 80, and have been using dope, and pills ever scince. I was so happy before my life was great in recovery i was heavily involved in the program, had a sponsor, sponserd guys, H&I commitee, GSR for my home group, worked steps, spoke at lot of meetings and rehabs, read the J.F.T., even found the 48 musts in the basic test. I had some great friends. The thing is now i cant get myself back to it all, and beleive me i miss it. I think part of me just dont really want it. U know what they say about half measures. Its a lonely feeling using, plus i hate lying like i am. Im just posting on here because i wanted to get this out, and hopefully I can find my way back out of hell, because i know if i keep using im going to be back locked up, or worse dead. Thank u for anybody who is going to read this, and give me some hope and feedback. Using Suck's.

He Who Forgets Is Destined To Remember.

Hi Mikey, using does suck and it is very lonely. It is amazing how fast we slide back into it all. I did h for four or five years with a couple of clean years in between. It fell into my lap and I thought I could just do it once, we have all heard that. I dont know if I ever did it just once. All of us addicts are vulnerable at any time so try not to be too hard on yourself. I can tell you are really sad, but sooner than you may think you can be back where you want to be.

Quitting is mean ugly experience, but how you are feeling now all the time is far worse. At least it was for me. There will always be a part of us that does not want to quit. That is the monster of addiction inside of us. Try not to pay it any mind and do what you most want to do.

take care and try to find a path
April

I think part of me just dont really want it. U know what they say about half measures. Its a lonely feeling using, plus i hate lying like i am. Im just posting on here because i wanted to get this out, and hopefully I can find my way back out of hell, because i know if i keep using im going to be back locked up, or worse dead. Thank u for anybody who is going to read this, and give me some hope and feedback. Using

You know Mikey it is all about making choices. The part of you that does not want it is that part of you that grew in recovery. That rational person, social person, laughing person, active person...that is the person that does not want to use.

The person that wants to use is the addict.

You make a list of all you have on one side, and put Drugs on the other side. You get everything on the one side without the drugs or you get the drugs and lose everything on the other side. Your kingdom, your life rests in one simple choice, you just need to make it.

And YOU CAN make it cause you did it before. SHUT the addict in your head up and move against it, get to your sponsor and get honest, get to a meeting and get honest, cause in reality you hate lying and living like this, so you just make the choice, you just choose recovery.

Welcome to this board. My son's name is Mikey, he had 8 years clean and relapsed, now he is getting his life back again. This time though, when he relapsed he chose detox BEFORE he lost everything all over again.
You BE that Mikey too, get to detox, that simple.
With great respect and compassion,
Annie

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Anne

Well you know what you need to do to get clean again and you have started that by making a post here. You should also see a pain management specialists you have a legit reason to see one.

Tim

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Day by Day is the only way

Thank u 2 all of u for the words of wisdom and thank u for reading my post and replying. Im going to be honest its the detox part that im dreading right now, even though ive done it before. Im going to keep posting on here and hopefully one day ill get back again.

He Who Forgets Is Destined To Remember.

To give an update. Today i decided that im going to get some suboxone on thursday and get clean again. Im only going to get like 3 subs. just enough to take the edge off the detox. I just cant keep doing this everyday. Thank u to all for listing to me.

He Who Forgets Is Destined To Remember.

Hi Mikey,

I'm sorry to hear that you have relapsed. I can hear the pain in your words. I know, I've been where you are too many times and it's not a nice place to be. I think you have probably beaten yourself up enough. The evil of addiction is always there, lurking in the background, waiting for a weak moment, and that's all it takes, one moment that we put down our guard. I know the fear of withdrawals, it keeps us in our active addiction far longer than we intend. It's always tomorrow, next week, after the holiday, after .......... and next thing you know another week, month, year has gone by and the only thing that has happened is our addiction has grown and we lose everything we worked so hard to get back. Don't allow the fear of wothdrawal to steal another day from you!

I'm glad that you are back here posting, it's a good first step. The good thing is you know how much you love recovery and all it has to offer. You can get it all back. It's all there waiting for you to make that next step and it's yours!

Keep posting, you know you have a ton of support here to help get you through this,

Penny

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Never quit quitting!

Glad you have a plan Mikey. I hope you feel a little better now that you do. You are on your way. I will keep you in my thoughts.
April

Penny,
Thank u very much for ur words, it means alot to me. It gives me hope again.

April,
Thank u, yeah im going to do this. I was thinking about detox, but the thing is i have physical therapy that i have to do for my back injury and i just cant go at this time. Another thing that has botherd me is this injury it has turned my world upside down, it happend may 29th of last year i havent worked scince. And like my surgeon said i can never do what i used to do for work. To tell the truth i have really felt sorry for myself because of this, it was a major procedure. All i know is im not taking no more pain killers from the doctor, i just cant do it. I would rather just deal with the pain. I will keep posting on my journey back from hell. Thank u all.

He Who Forgets Is Destined To Remember.

Hi Mikey, I started worrying about getting back to work when I started to feel somewhat capable. All it did was add to my anxiety. Try not to focus on all you lost because you have enough on your plate and you are doing what needs to be done right now. I am having to learn patience and acceptance right now. It is difficult since I want it to be alright already!
take care of yourself
April

hey bro, we're in the same boat. i recently relapsed with almost 2 1/2 yrs in the program; i had the sponsor, steps, homegroup, commitments, etc. isolation and loneliness finally did me in after i stopped talking to people and separated myself.

so, here i sit with 5 days clean. i guess my situation was a bit different because i used for a week (shot dope) and then had a family vacation planned, so i was able to get away. the vacation is over tomorrow, and then i will be back in philly.

what worked for me: i finally broke down on day 2 of the vacation and called everyone i could call. i told them what happened and asked them for help -- and i got it. you can do this man, you know that it works.. all you have to do is work it.

April,
Thank u , ur right, i do have to focus on this right now. I cant work even though i want to. My doctor wont let me.

Back in action,
Congrats on the 5 days bro, Yeah that gives me hope. U live in philly? I live in south jersey. I used to go to alot of meetings in philly. 3rd and reed sunday night, acamedy and linden friday night, and one on saturday moring on cottman and lansdale. U know them? ever come over the bridge for jersey meetings? Thank u for writing me. I would like to stay in touch with u, esspicailly scince u live near me.

Hey Mikey I went down on life support in Jan 2004. New Year's Day and then I just got sicker and sicker and now am on disability. I was really sad to leave my job, but it helped me to focus on healing myself. A new concept to me, the "me first" thing. And I did it too, I beat hepC and cirrhosis and now even with COPD I walk every day, I am so willing to do this now. I see that for so long I was consumed by the kids at school, taking care of my mom, taking care of my kids, that I got no time and all of a sudden I was sick. And they made me stop teaching and that made me sad. But after I got over it, I got myself back, and so can you. I NOW have a life, I have more than enough things to fill every minute of every day. And I am actually now grateful I had to stop teaching, cause when I do things I give 250% and that was wearing me thin.
Now my days are happy, I force myself to walk, to talk to people, to be active in groups, advocate for the underdogs of life. I am so busy and so happy now. I vision this as you too. I see that yes maybe you cannot do what you were doing, but perhaps there is a reason for that, perhaps something better will find you. The only thing you must do is be willing to put in the effort. Never sit and wonder, ponder, take guilt trips all over about your past, life is way too short for all that. It truly is.
We are here, alive and well.
LOOK what BACK in action did, look how he stopped and said NO MORE, and just began doing what he learned back then, he put recovery back on the front burner and now he has 5 days, and that is AWESOME
Look at what my son did, 8 years clean he relapsed. Now he is married supporting a wife and her two teenage kids. They are busy doing things every day and every night. They have no time for drugs. And they both know that if they do just one thing, make one wrong choice, they could lose everything, including each other.
So you take all those lessons you learned and skip fearing the future. I was told once that anything that is fear is not love. And anything that is love is not fear. Let those people back, go feel the love, as my son used to say. You deserve it. Forget this future sh*t and what will happen when...
Take every moment you have on this blessed earth and live it to its fullest. And you KNOW that drugs takes it all away, all of it, your love, life, possessions, get angry enough to take it back. Just go a moment at a time, you KNOW this, stop fearing the future, the detox, whatever the future is. You know that is out of your control. So you just move through every day, determined and willing to get your life back.
so glad you posted and you too BACK IN ACTION! Both of you great work!
Love annie

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Anne

hey man, i know all of those meetings well. i actually live in the suburbs now, but still (well, pre-relapse) make my way into the city sometimes. six days today..and it ain't no walk in the park! keep in touch...

Anne
Wow i really appreciate everything u said, I think its great that u didnt let ur ilness get u to down. I also thinks its great that u have reached out to me and taking ur time to write me. Thats great that ur son has gotting back to being clean again tell him congrats and he is also my hope. I was just wondering r u an recovering addict? The reason i ask is ,u have alot of gratitude and insightfulness on the whole addiction thing.

Back in action

Yeah bro im going to hang in here, congrats on the 6 days thats huge. I know its not easy but i know and u know and alot of people on here know that u and me can both do it. U never know maybe ill see u at one of those meetings again someday. Thank u man for taking ur time to respond to me. This is helping alot right now, I just dont have it in me right now to get back in the rooms, But i will one day soon. Im just waiting ti detox and feel a lil better and then get that white key tag, and hopefully be the last one i ever have to get. I knwo that i never have to fell this way again if just get clean everything else will come.