ok so this is like the 5th or 6th time in the last 3 months that ive tried to kick my heroin habit. i always make it about 2weeks and then just say f**k it i can do one bag and it will be fine i wont go through WDs, i just wanna get high...or so my brain tells me, which is so NOT the case. its usually after a day or two of doing just that one bag that i get back on the long treterous road of usuing again. i want to quit, i want to be sober, i can handle the physical WDs now, ive gone through them so many times that usually all i end up with now is some mild cold sweats and small back ache, theyre not that severe as the first time where i just wanted to jump off the balcony of my apartment cuz i couldnt stop puking and sweating and crying and screaming and i could barely move (ive done all my WDs cold turkey by the way) i just cant get past the mental dependency. its like my mind is jumping through hula hoops and i want it, i want it, i want it! i just want to shut my brain off for a while so thats not the only thing that consumes all my thoughts.

like all of us addicts i wasnt always like this. i grew up with my dad being an alcoholic for most of my life (he's been sober for about 5 years now) and i left my fiance of 3 years because he was headed on the same path. i lost my best friend of 6 years to a heroin addiction and after he died i promised myself that i would never even touch the sh*t. after leaving my fiance i moved 200miles away to start a new life and things were going great. i moved into my first apartment, started dating a new guy and got an awesome job, but after about a year i just missed my family and friends too much that i decided to move back home.

things were fine for a few months, went about everyday life with work and family. i had always been an everyday pot smoker, tried ex and coke a few times in highschool, but that was about the extent of it, that is until HE decided to move back to my home town. HE- i wont say his name, but was a childhood friend from way back. i hadnt seen him in about 5 years so when he moved back i was happy to finally hangout again. so we hung out for about a month (within that time me and bf decided the whole long distance relationship thing wasnt working so we broke up) partied a few days a week just drinking and having a good time. then one day he threw this lil bag of powder infront of me sayin "hey u wanna roll?" telling me that it was MDMA (pure ex), so me being upset from the break up and having fun with my new found single life, i said "yeah why not, f**k it" and that was the begining of me becoming who i am now. if u havent already figured out the lil bag of powder wasnt MDMA, it was infact heroin. me being an idiot and even after telling him all about what happened to my friend dying because of H, i still trusted him. that was the dumbest thing i could have ever done.

i didnt find out until after about a month of using (and i snort it, ive never IV used) that i was infact addicted to heroin, but by that time i was so far gone i had no morals and didnt care what it was, i just wanted my fix. well a few months went by and he ended up leaving and moving back to where he used to live (which is a good thing) and the guy that i used to be with moved here and moved in with me after me calling him in tears going through withdrawl for the first time by myself. ived lied to him and used again so many times that im surprised he still talks to me let alone is still living with me right now.

so yes, i got tricked into using heroin thinking it was something else and it has ruined my life over the past year and now i just want to get this demon outa my head that is tearing apart my brain. i cry my eyes out everytime i go to see my dealer, get my fix, pull over, snort some, feel better for about five minutes if even, then drive the 12 miles back to my apartment crying my eyes out once again. i just want to get this outa my head, i NEED to get this outa my head- the depression is whats slowly killing me inside. like i said i can handle the physical WDs, i think i just need a new brain. and ud think after going to the cemetary day after day and crying hour after hour and looking at my best friend being in the ground because of this stupid f**king drug that would stop me...but no. my brain just goes in circle after circle...do it, dont do it, just do it one more time, it will be okay, just pick up the phone, no put the phone down! i swear i'm just loosing my mind....

WOW, I can relate to that Stary, no doubt. ADDICTION, I wuz officially beat up enough when using against my will. Knowing full well it was the source of ALL my problems, not being able to stop anyway. Got clean a while, chased a recovery plan thru meetings, sponsor etc. Then, I guess I thought I knew better, and BAMMO there I was again, using. Telling myself it wasn't as bad as before. Truth is, it was worse. I got straightened out before I went all the way to hell, but, it hurts.

Anxiety, fear, depression, bewilderment, all tht is par for the course. I am now clean again, and pushing harder toward recovery. Without a plan and ACTION TOWARD recovery I am POSITIVE I have no chance to stay clean. Let alone be peaceful and free from teh demons in my head!

The good news is, you are not alone. Many, I mean many have walked this walk. There is a solution, probably a few of em I spose. People are different. The solution they offer at the meetings is the one I chose in the past, the one I am after again this time with more vigor.

The time that I was clean was far and away the best time I ever had in my life. TOday, I want those feelings of sobriety and freedom back. I am willing to do whatever I have to do to allow that process to take place.

THis is good communityof support that you found. Stick around. WE are glad you are here.


PEACE

thanks for that parachute, i know its the hardest thing ive delt with my whole life. i havent gone to rehab for the fear that my family will find out and the fact that i have no insurance. my bf is the only one who knows that im like this right now. i was thinking of trying na mettings and i live in chicago so i know that there are plenty of them out there. i just want to get back to the person i was before this, i know im still in there somewhere cuz when i am sober that person comes back out again

ok i take the physical WDs things back cuz my lower back is f**ckin killing right now!!! it hasnt been this bad since the first time i tried to kick it. god work is gonna suck tomorrow morning i know it already (im a massage therapist so massaging people while in WD is the worst thing ever!) still trying to fight it tho...trying trying trying

I can so identify with what you wrote Stary...I think you really captured the desperation of the disease. It gave me the chills.

I would tell myself I know I shouldn't, I know I can't...and then I'd be right back to using not even a minute later. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't handle life anymore. I didn't know why I felt like I was 129 instead of 29 years old. I was drowning in cravings, the obsession and the compulsion to use, anxiety, resentments, fear, frustrations, desperation. I didn't realize that I was actually critically ill through my addiction. It's really Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

The fact is that as long as addiction is left to its own devices, things always get worse. I mean unimaginably worse. The brilliant news, though, is that there is so much help and hope to be had. Instead of getting unthinkably bad, things can start to become miraculously good.

It sounds like you've been through a lot lately, but the only way for things to start getting better is to get clean and stay that way. We can make it happen one day at a time.

I think Parachute's post is right on target. Addiction is isolating by nature. Its treatment is about the opposite -- we help each other to do this together. I hope you make the choice to seek help through a recovery program. I use NA, and I am unspeakably grateful to be a part of it, but there are others too.

I'm really glad you started posting, and I wish you an enormous about of strength, hope, luck and determination.

Hang in there Staryeyes!

Keeping hydrated, taking lots of hot baths and good distractions can all help.

Stick it out, get with a plan and this can be the last time you ever go through withdrawals again.

It's not easy, but the symptoms will pass.

In the end, it's a small price to pay for the chance to get your life back.

[xo][xo]

All VERY good advice. Now let me say your story resembles much of mine, on and off user for around 6 years, never touching needles, I love smoking things lol. I too lost my best friend to an overdose, unfortunately I could not attend the funeral, I was in Australia attending my mothers at the current time. The physical part is bad, real bad, but I feel ya when you talk about the hoops your mind jumps through. I want it, I need it, JUST ONE MORE TIME... There's a great thread here, on this site, called the monster in my head, I suggest you read it.
On the bright side, I am on day 20 that's correct day 20 I may not have years of sobriety YET, but I'm past the initial hell your currently in. Having JUST gone through it I can relate as well as anyone as to what your going through. PM if you would like to get my info so you can call me if times get really tough.
You can do this I know you can, I just did it, and many others have walked this path, and some even come back a BETTER person for it.

Best of luck, keep us all posted, and don't be afraid to tell the truth, hopefully you WONT relapse but if you do, don't be ashamed come back for help, we'll be here.

It rips my life away, but its a great escape.

thanks to the both of u for ur support. and congrats guitar on the 20 days sober, i made it that far once, well actually i think it was 16 days and that was about week or so ago, and now im right back where i started. and of course a few hours ago i once again relapsed. my back hurt so back and i got the kicking back in my legs i couldnt take it anymore and i now hate myself more than ever. i think for me the depression is the worst part about it. i dont even know why i do it, im to the point where it doesnt even gimme any pleasure, i just need it to feel normal and to function. i dont have a heavy habit anymore like i used to a few months ago, i only about 1 bag a day now compaired to the 5 or 6 i used to. i just have to make it through this week til saturday when i get outa work at 2pm then im off for 2 days and i'm gonna try to kick it again over this next weekend. i wish there was some way i could get my hands on some suboxone, i used that once to detox and that stuff works wonders. i took 1 8mg pill for about 4 days and on the 5th day i didnt need it and had no WD symptoms at all. then of course that weekend i decided to party it up and well we all know what happened from there. i also tried detoxing with methadone but it didnt seem to help me much. i was just talking to my best friend after i got my fix and listening to her scream at me for about the past half hour actually helped. i know that if i dont stop this i will loose her and my bf will eventually end up leaving me too. so here i go again, out to fight this war with myself that i keep loosing. ive never posted anything or talked about this with anyone before i found this forum and i find that it is actually helping me ALOT even tho i did relapse today. i really helps to know that im not the only person going through this and im not alone. so thank you all for ur posts! and ill keep everybody posted this week so u know how im doing. oh and i read the monster in my head thread and i started crying because thats EXACTLY how i feel right now!!

ok so today was a lil better of a day for me, i still physically feel like sh*t, but atleast being at work this morning kept my mind off of it, now we'll see how i do for the rest of the day...ugh

You keep on posting, know we are all here for you. Very hard doing massage as you can pick up another person's negative energy. Be sure to try and relax yourself before and after each session.

Anyway I have to care for my dad, I will be back tomorrow to check on you.
Please try and get through the night, just for tonight ok. Be well, be strong and do not NOT lose hope. YOU CAN DO THIS!
Much support, respect...
HOPE
annie [;^)]

Anne

thanks anne, im sure i will make it through tonite, surprisingly for the first time in a while i'm actually tired and since its 11:45pm rite now where i live and i have to get up at 8am for work i'm gonna try to lay down and fall asleep for once without having to take a half a xanax or some benedryl to make me pass out- i know the benedryl sounds funny, but it actually does work for me, two of them make me drowsy enough to fall asleep.

it is very easy to pick up on people's negative energy during a massage session but luckly for me this week i have all mostly my regulars who make me happy i only have maybe 5 new clients this week, but those are always good sessions when u strike up a new conversation and get to know someone you've never worked on.

so on that note, good nite to all - and hopefully a good nite to me also.

i'll post tomorrow and let you all know how i'm doing...

wow actually got some well needed sleep last nite, that was nice.

i just want it to be saturday already so i can detox and get this sh*t outa me! i'm getting very impatient, i wish i could just take off the rest of the week and start tomorrow, but thats so not an option right now, theres no way id be able to find people to cover my shifts

two more days and i can slowly begin to regain my sanity...

you might want to consider making the jump tomorrow, I know it SUCKS to be stuck at work, but this is going to take 3-4 days at least. I'm not trying to scare you, just getting you prepared for what your in for, you CAN do this remember!! You might be able to get through work on friday, so then by sunday night you would be wrapping up day 3 and be that much closer to the goal. I understand COMPLETELY the justification to use at work to stay "normal" trust me I'm a musician, its almost encouraged. However it's just that, a justification to keep using. You will stop when you are ready, the sooner the better, We are all here for ya, every step of the way! Think positive and keep posting.

It rips my life away, but its a great escape.

i know it takes atleast 4 days, ive detoxed a few times already before and i know for me the first 2 days are the worst thats why im waiting cuz theres no way i can be there massaging people while im throwing up every 15 minutes, ill end up loosing my job. i know its just another justification but for that reason i have to wait. i wish there was some way i could just stop now and make it through work and hide the WDs, but working in a doctors office its kinda hard to hide. i know it sounds like im still making excuses, but for the sake of my career that ive worked so hard to build up the past 5 years i have to wait. ive already lost so many things to this stupid drug, i'm not about to loose another thats such a big part of my life. and i'm not trying to feel sorry for myself either, ive spent way too many days and nights doing that and i'm sick and tired of it. i'm just plain old sick and tired of being sick and tired! wow, that felt good to say...

oh and btw...thanks for the support guitar, i know i CAN do this this time!!!

god i was maybe hoping to wake up this morning not feeling like complete sh*t, yeah not so much. im just feeling so angry and sad right now i wana cry and scream at the same time! 2 more days til i can start regaining my sanity...i really dont wana go to work right now, i'm just so non motivated ugh