I've battled drugs and or alcohol since my teen years. (over 40 now), have drifted in and out of the program, and everytime I drifted out I went back to using, and usually a different DOC so I could justify my behavior, and not call myself an addict. In fact, everytime I started to think of myself as an addict, I'd just change my definition of an addict, or "lower the bar", so I could safely say I wasn't one.

Back in 97/98/99 I got into coke real heavy to the point of trashing my first marriage, my house and all the stuff, and ended up being absolutely homeless with nothing but the cloths on my back. All the while I kept getting high claiming to be a victim of circumstance. Then one day I had a small moment of clarity and checked into rehab and got clean and stayed clean for several years.

Then I'd drift in and out of the program but wouldn't use anything, though on any given day the way I was acting you'd never know I was drug free...

Move up to 4 years ago, had major hernia surgery, then about 8 months later was in a bad motorcycle crash that required a few surgeries. Suddenly I was bathing in pain pills, and it was easy as hell to justify, and being an addict justification was something I was already good at.

Abused them pretty heavy for about a year and a half, finally got sick and tired, and went to a doctor for something to help me quit. I tried on my own and just couldn't take it. He hooked me up with some clonidine and I finally got off the things. For about a year.

About a year and a half ago I took an extra heavy dose of some sort of cold medicine, got some weird little buzz from it, and enjoyed it so much I started buying it everyday. Then when it wasn't enough, I went back to pain pills. Lying to doctors until they caught on, then off the street.

Right now I have 3 days clean from them, again. I had a heart attack last July and even that wasn't enough to make me stop. Because I didn't really want to.

Right now I have 3 days clean. Because I want to. I want to be done with them. I don't want to be a slave to them, or worry about running out, or spending all our money on pills and lying about it every single day. I want the freedom, and I want that monkey off my back.

I made a plan, and followed alot of posts from here and I have 3 days clean. One week ago I was crying like a little girl because I didn't think I could ever stop. I was starting to think I was going to die an active addict...

Some things should be evident- one, for most of us, logic just doesn't apply. It just isn't that simple, and thats a heavy bag to carry. two, the drugs, and whether or not they're required are not the problem, I am. My head, my mind.

People who are not like us can;t get their head around how we do what we do and what we go thru to do it.

I can't get my head around people who can take meds as directed an just stopped when they're not needed, or go out for dinner and have just one drink.

Tomorrow night I'm going back to my first meeting again...

Thanks for reading. (sorry it was so freakin long)

Welcome to ODR twowheeler you came to a good place. Congratulations on 3 days clean and going to a meeting already thats great. Today is 17days for me and although the worst is over I still have alot of lingering/annoying symptoms. Just stay on here and do whatever it takes to turn 3 days into 4, your definately not alone here. Keep up the good work and remember a good attitude goes a long way when detoxing. Ive been having alot of cravings lately so I try to sidetrack my thoughts with keeping as busy as possible, it does help. Keep up the good fight!!

I can't get my head around people who can take meds as directed an just stopped when they're not needed, or go out for dinner and have just one drink.


I totally know what you mean. My sister has lortabs from some dental work. she got about 24 10mg. This was about a week ago. Do yo know she sill has like 20 left. Who does that??? I've been clean since Feb 25th. I have had no cravings strong enough to relapse, but I do think about it.

How come we can't just take them as prescribed? I'm going to meetings everyday at the hospital where I detoxed. I'm going to ask that question. Why do some people, or how do some people live not in excess. Why do we live in excess, why do we choose and want (at one point in our lives) to do more than we should. These meetings really havent been that helpful, and I have a feeling I will stump the Therapists and counselors with these quesions.

Please keep posting. I have enjoyed reading your post. There are alot of people on here that want to hear from you.

Oh and before I forget, Congrats on the 3 days!! Way to go,keep strong!!!

Thanks, both of you.

And Fairy, please post the reply to that question when you can. I'd be interested in "their" answer just for my own thoughts.

I myself get to live the opposite thing though; my wife is a "normie", "earth person", non addict type. SHe can take any kind of pill and throw the rest away when she's done. She can have one drink, or half a drink.

It's the strangest thing, her at one end, and me at the other. And I have no friggin clue what she saw in me or why she stays....

Anyway, thanks again.

She stays with you cause you are a good person! I know that, she knows that and you know that. That you have a disease is just what happens to some people in this life, some get hit with it others do not. This is why I get so furious when someone considers an addict a bad person, judging him by his inability to get off drugs, when it is so hard to do that if you are an addict. And yes some people can do what your wife does, and some people cannot. But in my lifetime, I have known so many addicts, and those I know in recovery are the best of people. Why? Cause they are humble, cause they are willing to ask for help when they need it, cause they are willing to give back, cause they have a higher power, cause they never "settle" for a half lived life (becuase if they do they will start using again). These are the people who work so hard to find the answers to the questions others might never ask. These are the people who are truly about healing and so what if it is because the alternative could be death or jail? They do it, others can easily take life for granted, but I have yet to find one person in recovery who takes life for granted. You are blessed, and yes, I knew this. And yes your wife is a GREAT person, but then again, so are you.
Love annie

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Anne

Thanks Annie! (I really enjoy reading your posts)

The question and answer part is starting now, again. Time to get busy in recovery now that the detox is over. Yesterday I went out and bought an at home drug test just so I could "see" a result, and for the first time in a while was kind of proud of myself.