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Thread: Bad Bad day...

  1. #1
    pinkie Guest

    Default Bad Bad day...

    but I'm working hard to stay good. 7 days today since I've picked myself up again. And it's a bad one. I'm going from person to person, per my plan to be babysat. Right now, I'm waiting for a friend to come over, who I'm helping with a project. So far today, I've gone and had a lesson, (which wasn't scheduled, but when I called my teacher this a.m., he agreed to meet me within an hour, so I guess the lesson is that if you ask, you shall receive, a hard one for me to learn).

    Then I went to work out, I already had that appointment scheduled, and my friend has been planning to come over all week. So now, I'm waiting for her, and posting this so that I will stay busy.

    You guys are my baby sitters for the next 15 minutes or so. I feel so hungry today, crying and crying, and it's not food that I want. I just had a cry fest with my trainer, and everyone is being so sweet, and supportive. The only people that know are my best friend, my trainer, my boyfriend (no help), my therapist, and my group therapy people, (and you guys). I called my best friend earlier and told her I was having a hard day, so hopefully, we'll go have dinner or something tonight. I went to group yesterday and promised them that I would call one of them if I was making the decision to use, so that's a good motivator for me, because I'm so embarrassed having to ask for help that it will probably work.

    Anyway, I'm going to go practice right now, because talking about using is not a good thing for me this minute in time. DISTRACTION.

    Thanks for being here. I'm ready to get on with it. I've never had to deny myself much in my life, because I've never asked for much, or wanted much for that matter. Learning how to deny myself this is a struggle, that's for sure.

  2. #2
    Loop is offline Senior Member
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    You sound so strong and positive Pinkie,I know you're going to beat this!:)My friends have beenvery good to me.If they're with me time flies n I don't have to feel obliged to entertain or anything like that-dunno what I'd do without them.And I can't use while they're around!;)

    I'll keep an eye out for your progress reports but I KNOW you're going to do this-you're doing it already!Just take it one day at a time girl!

    LOL Loop[^]

  3. #3
    pinkie is offline Senior Member
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    Thank you little loopy loo,

    I sure hope so, it's a process, so I'm just busy processing.

    I hope you're feeling less like curling up alone. Even if you aren't, force yourself out. Chin up, the doldrums come and go, like everything in life. Spend all your time with your friends who don't use, whether they like it or not. Clean someone's house with them, if that isn't good Karma, I don't know what is.

    Off now to dinner with my friends, and I'm feeling some better than I was this morning, more in control. So there you have it, transitory.

    (boy, I sound awfully like I live in San Francisco... uhh... oh yeah, I do!) ;)

  4. #4
    spring is offline Administrator
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    WOW Pinkie!! I am So IMPRESSED with you!! You are DOING it!

    That PAWS was right on schedule wasn't it!! You took all the right steps to make it thru the day and you made it!!

    A day like you had really helps to bring meaning to the term "One day at a time" doesnt it?! You made it thru this day and tomorrow you will make it thru that day and those days will add up. Your quality of life can only get better from here.

    Now just think..if you hadnt had back-up support already lined up...you would have desperately tried to find something to do to take your mind off of using. Most likely you wouldnt have been able to talk YOURSELF out of it because OUR OWN SICK MINDS CANNOT HELP HEAL OUR OWN SICK MINDS. But a healthy non-user,a loved one who doesnt use or a successfully recovering addict CAN HELP HEAL.

    You have talked the talk for quite awhile. You know what to do to become a successful recovering addict and now you are actually walking the walk......and it's working!!

    My congrats and prayers are with you Pinkie. Today was a great milestone for you, one of many that you will achieve as long as you continue to stay honest with yourself about what you need for your recovery. And it's true what they all say...it really DOES get easier.

    ~~~Do the right thing and risk the consequences~~~Spring~~~

  5. #5
    ruby is offline Senior Member
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    Hi Pinkie-

    I am new here, and new to becoming a recovering addict to pain pills. I recently realpsed, and am trying to figure out a way to keep myself clean for good on my next go around. I wanted to say that your strength and commitment is very inspiring to me. I know what you mean when you say that you have never asked for much or wanted much in life, and now you have to ask for help to stay strong through this. I am learning how to swallow my pride as well....it is a hard thing to do when others see you as a strong person (but you are really dying inside). I am impressed that you have let down your guard and allowed those who care for you to come into your life to help you get better- that has to be a tough decision- it is one that I am working on right now. Anyway- I just thought I would chime in here and say I have really enjoyed reading your posts, and I sincerely hope you find your happiness and that good things come to you in abundance throughout this process of healing.
    Take Care,
    Ruby

    "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle" ~Plato

  6. #6
    ak
    ak is offline Senior Member
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    Hey Pinkie. If you have read my posts on the sub detox and I was able to finally accomplish what I did, I know you strong willed female that you are will be able to do whatever you set out to do. I want to thank you personally also for keeping my head in the game during my relapses. All the best, Andy

  7. #7
    pinkie is offline Senior Member
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    Ruby,
    I think the more you give a space to the idea of telling and asking in your own head, and perhaps by voicing it to others, you may find more courage. I know for myself, I feel very bad in some ways about talking to everyone else about my problems with my bf, while he remains in the dark (except for that giant invisible elephant in the room whenever we're together). But, for a little less than 15 years, we haven't communicated well, so it's nothing new. I am finding though, that the more I talk about it with others, the closer I get to having the courage to have this very scary discussion with my bf. So, I would suggest to you that you find others who you can tell everything to. If you have to pay them, then pay them. If you have to find some sort of organization, then do that. Group therapy can be a relatively inexpensive device, and a little more controlled (safer?) environment than an AA/NA meeting. And it may seem harder, but telling someone you don't know your deepest secrets in a safe environment has a way of freeing your mind so that you can actually evaluate and have access to your true feelings, and find the courage to change the things you need to change.

    Thanks you guys,
    I made it through another weekend, even though I was sure my bf was using. I just stayed away as much as possible. The mornings were very hard, I was waking up early, 6-7 a.m., and sitting around feeling like using. When the urge got too strong, I called my best friend (babysitter) and spent the rest of the day with her.

    When I'm out, with my friends, I don't even think about using (well, maybe once or twice, but it's not really an urge, just a thought). So it's interesting to me to see how my needs can be fullfilled by the people I love. I decided in the shower this morning (do my best thinkin' in the shower) to start practicing asking for what I need, no matter how stupid it sounds. It's going to be a lot of work, and hopefully I'll learn how to do it, and that if I do it, that someone actually may answer. I've also been seriously considering telling 2 girlfriends about this "little drug issue". I know in both my heart and my mind that the'll be there for me, but I'm too proud/ashamed to tell them just yet. They don't even know I ever really used at all. But, if staying clean depends on it, then I've decided that I'll tell them. I know they would rally round (they already are, but now they just think it's boyfriend problems).

    Over the weekend, I went out and laughed really hard for the first time in quite a while. And I'm not sure, but I think this guy was flirting. I'm so loyal, that I never notice that kind of stuff, and have a hard time discerning it. Mostly it was an interesting thought. I'm not going to do anything along those lines until I've cleaned up the mess with my bf. It's not fair, and one thing I'm thankful for in this whole thing is that I haven't compromised my morals. The worst thing I've done is omitted discussion of my drug use with most of my friends and family, and withdrawn. When I sit and assess myself, that is one bit of evidence that I have that my core is strong and solid, in spite of all the weak, lonely, fear driven feelings that seem to swirl around like a hurricane on the outside.

    So far, I've not been able to discuss anything at all with bf, not relationship probs or anything. We barely talk at all, and I've been spending most of my time away from him and sleeping on the couch. Last night, I was in bed, and I knew he had used yesterday (saw evidence, and spent about 1/2 hour looking for the stuff, no luck, thank god, sick mind). He came home, and when he got into bed, I finally said that I knew he was using (he had lied to me Saturday morning. I'm very good at telling when my friend/boyfriend are high, ESP or something, and particularly good at hiding it when I am.), and that it was a problem we needed to discuss. He just kind of turned over and said not now (it was late on Sunday night, so it made sense), but kudos to me for at least broaching the subject.

    I feel like I'm standing on a

  8. #8
    Apheana is offline Senior Member
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    I think that last post was one of the most inspiring things I have ever read. I also think that you are one of the strongest people I have ever been in aqaintance with. The others are also members here. Thank you for your inspring words Pinkie and I am proud of your strength!!!

    ***Live, Laugh and Love***

  9. #9
    pinkie is offline Senior Member
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    Hi Aphy,
    Glad to see you around ag'in.

    Can we make that THE most inspiring thing you've ever read??? It would really make my day, and it must be the truth after all, right?;)

    Plus, I'm one of the strongest (smelling) people I know too!;)

    Let's hear an update on you, huh?

    Super Pinkie

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