Hello all,
One thing I do is force myself to remember certain scenerios that played out while I was heavily using. Because when the cravings hit, these memories get lost somewhere. For me, I get this tunnel vision and all I remember is the positive aspects of H. The euphoria, the absense of pain(or any feelings for that matter), the comfort it brings.THE NOD OF GOD.Yippy Skippy lets go!!! Why deny myself the pleasure???

Here's why:

A Day in the life of a dope sick junky.

8am
Wake up with a start of fear. Am I sick? Not too bad, but I feel it coming on. Better catch this early. The fear rises, slight feelings of panic creep in. Okay, need a plan. Do I have any money? No...not today. Hmm, gotta be at work in an hour and a half. Think faster. More panic.
Ok, i'll call the man, I've gave him all my rent money last week, I should be good for some credit. Pick up the phone and call, no answer.
I'll call another connect, but little chance of credit and he sells garbage half the time. Again, no answer. Call my original connect again. No answer. Panic. Fear. Panic.
My nose starts to run. Sweating a little bit.
I'll sit and watch TV, kill some time....nothing of interest and the reception sucks. It was nice when I had cable. When I could afford such things. I find a show...I stare at it for a couple minutes. It doesn't hold my interest, nothing can hold my interest. I call again,
no answer.

9am
Still no answers, I've called several connections by now I got an answer from one, but as soon as I mention credit the conversation is over. TV still sucks....I would watch a Video, but I pawned the VCR and most of my movies a couple weeks ago. Panic. Fear. Anxiety creeps in. Sweating more, more snot, can't sit still for this. Ok what now? I have some cottons I can beat.
Get my works, pull out several cottons, hmm are these good for anything? I've already beat them twice. Desperation. I'll do it again.
Call one more time...no answer

10am
Beat the cottons, I clean my cooker with the plunger of my rig. I need to hurry. I have to get to work. I draw up the solution I've created. Any dope in there? Doesn't look promising. Looks like dirty water. Dare I shoot this into my veins? Of course I will, have I ever not? Run the risk of cotton fever? Doesn't matter, I'm getting sicker by the minute. The rig is old, dull, numbers worn off. I poke and stick and poke and stick. Try the other arm....crap. I'm a literal bloody mess. Go back to the original arm stick and poke and stick and poke. More bruises, more knots.....fun. I hit...it registers...it stops...it starts...I panic....push the plunger...a knot rises. Do I feel anything? No...i've just flushed a rig full of dirty water into my arm. Where's the phone? Better call work, tell them I'll be late.
I call them, make up a story...tell them I'm not sure when I'll be in.
Try to call the connect again....no answer.

11am
Snot running, cold sweats panic and fear.
Call the connect....he answers...thank god...I hope.
Hello?
yeah, you holding?
sure
Ok heres the deal, I don't have any cash right now but...
Sorry, can't do it
Oh c'mon, I've always been a good customer, give me a break
Not in a position to do that right now...sorry
please?
Sorry
I'll have cash by this afternoon(I lie)
Goodbye....
but...
*click*
I call back, he knows it's me....doesn't answer.
Doesn't he care about a miserable dope sick junky with no money?
no he doesn't

Ok, I've got to come up with some cash. Look around the house....
stereo...gone. CD's....gone. guitar....gone. This list goes on. I've pawned just about everything. I have a TV....it's old...the pawnshop won't even look at it. I've tried. Sick....
sick.sick. sick.

Ok, now what do I do? Who will give me 10 bucks? Parents? no...Sister?no...There has to be someone I haven't burned yet. Panic, fear. Sick.

Noon
I get an idea, I'll steal something and pawn it. From who?
well, I know how to get into my parents house. They have stuff they won't even notice missing. And I'll pawn it, and get it out later.
no you won't

Wow.

Thank God I quit the sniffing. THAT was bad enough!

I'm reading your story thinking...what did he do the 2nd day??? How did he get through...etc.

How long have you been clean? Suboxone?

Dealers suck! My bfriend and I were spending close to 6 grand a month (!) on pretty crummy stuff and always paid on time, and he was STILL difficult...
...until I quit last week. Then he said, "I GIVE YOU ALL I GOT, CAUSE I KNOW YOU PAY ME". I said no thanks.
When I have to worry about credit (which was the way he originally set it up...drop of on Tues, p/u cash on Friday) I had to quit. He changed his tune. No more credit. And, he stopped wanting to deliver. I'm not driving to downtown Paterson, NJ at 1am!
I know he's missing all that money. Calls me often. He thinks I found another dealer. He doesn't believe I quit. One time I tested him and said (just to see what he'd do), "So, ya wanna drop off around 20 bags, I'll pay ya day after tomorrow?". He says NO, can't do that!
I was laughing. What idiot wants to lose a 6 grand a month customer over 200 bucks! If he would have said yes, I would have just laughed. Gotta change my phone number!

The second day was probably just like the first day. Maybe better maybe worse. Some days I found ways to get up the money and stay loaded all day. The means by which I got the money where usually dishonest and self-degrading, but that was considered a good day.
This time around I've been clean for 8 days....
I checked myself into rehab back in September of last year after I lost my job. It was a 30 day treatment program. I left, stayed clean for about 4 more weeks, just short of 60 days. Decided to use one day and I was back in game. However, I never got a real heavy habit, but it was a habit nonetheless. I decided that I needed to kick once and for all. Cold turkey...and here I am.

SeanO, congratulations on your success so far!

I know the whole deception thing. I STILL owe this month's rent! I had never done that before. And, the borrowing! All the excuses. No one in my family knew, so I could pull it off for the most part. Can't wait to pay everyone back.

Didn't lose my jobs, though. I was only using for a few months, but that was more than enough for me to learn my lesson! I'm an accountant (self-employed) so, I set my own hours. One account is a BIT upset with the time I took off (changing appointments, etc.), but now that it's tax seasona and I'm clean, I'll prove myself again. Another reason I stopped is because I make the bulk of my income over the next few months...so, there is NO way I wanted to spend it on H!! Gotta save!

Anyone need their taxes done...let me know. I have many clients out-of-state.
Good luck to all of us in our recovery!

SeanO, are you on suboxone now? Or, any other opioid blocker? Just curious. I'm proud of you! You're doing great...keep up the good work!

diavolo7,
Thanks much for your words of encouragement.
It always helps when you can communicate with others that understand.
I hope you stay off as well. I can promise you, it only gets worse. My job was really supportive the first time I went through detox/rehab. But like many others I just couldn't stay clean. They wouldn't tolerate another detox/rehab and I don't blame them at all.
I'm not using any opiate-blockers at the present time and haven't really thought about it. That could easily change. I don't feel there is anything wrong with it. Right now the only thing I take is Tylonol PM to help me sleep. It's not really working...but I know I'll sleep better with time. Time and patience, I have all the time in the world, It's the patience that I have a hard time with, but I'm trying to learn.

Thanks again,
SO

Something you may want to try is Melatonex.

I have always found Melatonin to be helpful to restore my sleep patterns.
Of all the brands I have tried....This one called Melatonex(by Sunsource) seems to be the most effective one for me. Maybe because it's trime released, which is more like our bodies produce it....slowly thru-out the night. Costs about 9 bucks for a box of 30. I found mine at Walgreens.

~~~Do the right thing and risk the consequences~~~Spring~~~

Love the post Sean... I've been off the crap 8 months now and when it sounds good, thats about the exact story I run through my head. That was me. 2 words... **** that!

Be well...

Marc

"It is too miserable a way to live to die addicted!"

Yep... Believe it or not, it was the same damn thing even for us pill junkies. Steal pills from whoever just to get a fix to keep from getting sick. Or trying to scrape up that little bit of money just for comfort - not even a high. Melatonin is good for *restoring* sleep patterns, but does little to help get to sleep on an as-needed basis. Walgreens here in the US has a homeopathic remedy called "Calms Forte". It works pretty well, but on those tough nites, it does not cut it. If Tylenol PM (apap/diphenhydramine) does not work, try something like Unisom (doxylamine succinate). It may work better. Also, I find that OTC sleep aids work great for a while only. Switch between the two and you'll have more success.

Rodrigo,
I believe you completely. After all, an opiate is an opiate. Whether you eat it, snort it or inject it. I've done all three. The only thing I guess that makes injecting it worse is that eventually you run out of veins. I've stuck my self up to 20 times and still couldn't hit. It's a miserable experience. Plus it makes it quite evident to people around you, what you are doing.

Marcosis, 8 months....that's great! The sick thing is, even after reading through it again, I still have cravings....I think that living that way for so long, the whole process is addicting.

I dunno

SO

wow man... just readingthat got me crazy! Congrats on staying strong... my addiction was opiates in pills..towards the end oxi's...but i never shot or sniffed... I look up to you people..you are strong...and I hope in a few weeks I can too be on of the strong ones to make it through this crap... 4 yrs too long..I feel like i dont know who i am.. my lifes a mess...no job...tons of talent...dont have a care in the world...hate myself...but i finally started the bupes and now the suboxone.. todays day 1...tomorrows another day... take care...and god bless

-ink-

to each their own ...everyone deals with things different and everyones chemical make up is different

I sniffed oxys for some time also. That was one of my fill-ins when I had no hydro. Hydro didn't make me as tired - that's why I liked it so much. On "good" days when I took like 20 of them, I'd be quite beat by the end of the day, but that was still late. I wouldn't touch H, but anything else, I did.

I ADMIRE YOUR STRENGTH, COURAGE, AND DETERMINATION AND I WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK, YOUR ON THE RIGHT PATH JUST KEEP ON KEEPEN ON!!
GOD BLESS, FREE

I hope that you are still hangin in! Thats a pretty incedible story that you wrote. Carvings are a reality man. Its not something you can do or not do they happen and they suck. I Just Hope That You Are Hangin In. Cold Turkey is rough on the soul but its a reminder of what you will feel like EVERYDAY for the rest of your life if you dont give it up now.

***Live, Laugh and Love***

You just described the last 3years of my life![V]Why do we do it to ourselves!

SeanO, that was one great piece of writing...it was like reading the screenplay for a film (horror movie?) which was oh so familiar!!

Good luck with staying clean - make sure you get out, keep busy...put those writing skills and good brain to work! The hardest thing about stopping using for me was what the hell to do with my time once I stopped being a 'career junkie'.

I'm a mum and a teacher now, two pretty good reasons NOT to get out of bed and stick a needle (or yes, 20) in my arm...or foot or wrist or wherever bloody else I could find...the emphasis being on *bloody*, as you will understand (I can wear short sleeves in summer now - yeeha! Just one of the perks of being clean!)

Anyway, thanks and good luck - you CAN do it. :-)