you gotta frame that infamous list, dude. []

i finally called Ar back. she asked me why i wasn't picking up the phone and why she wasn't able to leave a voicemail. i finally figure out that i've been screening out calls and not checking/deleting voicemail for an entire week. the inbox was full.

WTF, have i been isolating that much?

ha liny, you know me so well.

no meeting for me today, but basically everything else in my day related to recovery. i went through my apartment and threw away anything i could find that reminded me of drugs. sigh. pretty disgusting finding all those kratom encrusted spoons and empty kratom baggies. why did i even save sh*t like that?? like, maybe i'd get desperate one night and start licking baggies?

i hung my mirror on the wall and threw away straws. gave away a pipe and... i really should throw away my AK-47 sandanista looking pill case. but it's so cool... like something Che Guevara would keep his pills in. so i just put laundry quarters in there and kept that.

and yes... i found a bit of grass and smoked it (i told Ar.) even at this point i can't fathom flushing drugs... unrelated to that incident, i printed out all this trippy stuff that sluggo had posted on her thread. i went and read it in the park and it blew my mind. i'm going to stop obsessing about all the drama in the past and just go through the motions of recovery. it's uncomfortable. but i read some stuff today that told me that this discomfort is a gift. this gift promotes a desire to seek power... so i'm a seeker of power, that's cool. (jeebus, why am i so hung up on this desire to be cool? i'm such a child.)

and i've been adamant about NOT doing 90/90. i fear this will disconnect me from reality more than i already am. so my compromise was going to a meeting everyday for 5 days and then seeing if the magic kicks in. somehow, Ar talked me into going to 2 meetings tomorrow AND calling her at 8am... i'm not a morning person...

Ar also said that activities like yoga, tennis and drawing class, come secondary to meetings and recovery. i doubt that. i'm afraid that touring the AA circuit will be just as isolating as the drug lifestyle.

and to quote an excellent Phillip Roth book about a writer going mad on pills and booze:

"...it's my vitality i long for, not a deeper retreat; my job is to make sense back among people, not to take a higher degree in surviving alone."

and one final thing... i went to the store and bought the most unfanciful candle i could find. the prayer thing... i wasn't raised with ritualistic prayer, so darkening a room and lighting a candle is somewhat strange. but i keep forgetting to pray... and right now it seems appropriate to create a ritual that will prompt me.

i also made plans to visit a buddhist temple downtown. it's a weekly discussion about pragmatic applications of buddhist ideas. books are fine, but to be inside a temple exposed to the energy of fervent believers... well, it couldn't hurt, right?

so tomorrow i pick up another 24 hour chip. what do i do with the old one, burn it?

damn it-- was the tone of all this too snarky? i'm really trying guys, please believe in me...

Yeah It really sucks when your trying as hard as you can, and people don't believe in you, tell you can't, you won't, even BET against you...

I'm glad your trying, sounds like arlene might be giving you the kick in the *** you need, in a manner of speaking. GOOD LUCK. I'm pullin for ya.

It rips my life away, but its a great escape.

actually man, most major things i've accomplished in life occurred because people told me i couldn't do it. like when i started art school and everyone said i was an acid head freak that would never graduate. i *bleep*ing hated the fact that these brownnose academics would try to score weed off me and at the same time look upon me with contempt. i ended up gravitating towards the most difficult, disciplined major and parlaying that into a career... that i totally messed up with drugs []

and i told all my friends that i'm no longer drinking or drugging for an indefinite period of time. don't you think a lot of them laughed at me? one guy nearly fell off his chair and was like-- why even say anything? why not just keep quiet so it won't look bad when you backslide? and i get his humor. i mean, so many times in life i've said-- "sobriety is the new high!" and then cut to night fall and i'm knocking back pints of rum with some alley cats somewhere.

and i know, i know... i feel your pain GPF. there really is no excuse for certain behavior. but i will tell you-- it takes just as much energy, if not more, to slap someone across the face as it does to hug them. hugs are easy. the people that get under my skin are the ones that oppose me.

hmmm... is that *bleep*ed up? am i *bleep*ed up?

thinking about this in context to my drug use... so much of it is this miniature rebellion. like i have a little 'f uck you' to say to the world. i'll admit, driving home from these AA meetings, i've been seduced by the idea of going straight to a bar... or downing a whole bottle of wine, or something. kind of like that time that Ar went straight from a Jenny Craig meeting to a McDonalds (i always remember stupid sh*t like that.)

and it's dumb that i see drink/drugs as *forbidden fruit.* because really drugs are just drugs. i'm really just being self destructive, that's all. i wish i could figure out how to ruin the allure...

Geez, know it well. And I know you well. We sound a lot alike....me the do gooder sister that sneakily got into drugs and sex behind closed doors, you the rebellious sister who just wouldnt give a rat's *** what people thought..dont matter tho how we got here toots, WE BOTH BE HEA!..I do think theres a book story in there somewhere Triggs

Enjoy the Buddhist temple - im envious. Id like to experience that too. Now, In order to make that work, I have to stop being P.O.d that its fall/winter and get my arse outdoors. Looking for new experiences....Could be the name of my new thread if I start one? Hmm.

Check back often and stay C&S, one day at a time..so you can experience the Freedom from Hell, capice?

You Can Not Make The Most Of Tomorrow Without First Making The Most Of Today.

HONESTY Doesnt Leave The Door Open For Interpretation.

liny -
you in Jersey...or LI? perhaps you should try finding a zendo in your area and exploring meditation a bit more. Look into zazen.

trig -
snarky is fine. its honest. I might see you in LA next week....

by the way...prayer doesn't have to be so 'ritualistic'. developing a relationship with an HP or 'God' of your understanding is just like building a relationship with anyone...you talk, listen, make time. Its a simple awareness.

meditation and spiritual practices are meant to immerse you more fully in reality...in life...amongst other beings.

peace
j

LI, Janice. Thanks....will do.

You Can Not Make The Most Of Tomorrow Without First Making The Most Of Today.

HONESTY Doesnt Leave The Door Open For Interpretation.

(excerpt fron Buddhism and the 12-steps).

Step 1 - Honest Admission and Realization

We admitted that by ourselves we were powerless to overcome our own fundamental darkness and live what we truly believe. We admitted we were powerless over drugs and that our lives had become unmanageable.

We realize that we want something different than the life we have and are willing to take action, we start looking for a way to overcome this. This realization could be thought of as the step leading to Step one. It is usually at a profound level and involves becoming willing to change the direction of our life. The feeling of personal defeat is not pleasant but yet Step One is admitting that the past can no longer be the basis for our future. The path we walked, our pattern of choices, will not get us to where we want to go. The pain of admitting we were wrong becomes less than the pain of staying in our fundamental darkness

Admitting powerlessness may feel like surrender, but surrender and victory are only concepts that were killing us.

Step One is the bedrock to be able to take actions to recover. We need to realize the truth before we can build something different - before we can live a happier life. Step One talks about "A mental obsession so subtly powerful that no amount of human willpower could break it." The fundamental darkness Buddhism speaks of is the illusion that we are not part of the universe (or Mystic Law). The
delusion that we are separate is part of our disease. This image of self that is separate, alone, and/or isolated has to use it's own resources and does not use the Mystic Law for the needed support.

Step one is admitting that this delusion no longer works for us. The 12-Step programs have been called "a new therapy based on the kinship of man's common suffering". Since the steps were developed in the American 1930 culture the wording of the steps is not in Buddhist terms, yet the concepts are very Buddhist.

The Twelve Steps are written with "we", not with "I". It recognizes a collective "we". The sharing of our experiences, strength and hope let us know that we are not alone. The lesser "I", "I, by myself", will not get me to where, what, and/or who I want to be.

Regardless of how our fundamental darkness manifests, we have tried to change unsuccessfully before. We have naturally chanted to overcome these obstacles. We could say that our many 'failures at changing' have lead us to the 12-Step programs, or we could say that the Mystic Law has lead us to the 12 Steps which will support and help our practice and enlightenment to progress.

Since we may be very successful in some areas of our lives we may not want to conclude that our lives had become unmanageable. Fortunately, we do not have to reach the conclusions before we we start the process. By quitting the debating society long enough to consider these steps we can see hope where we had despair.

Trig -
you MUST give this a go...

http://www.dharmapunx.com/index.asp (click on 'DPunxNation')

Noah Levine is a recovered addict and Buddhist teacher. He holds weekly meditation groups at his LA center. great stuff.

more info: www.againstthestream.org

All the cool stuff in LA. That's exactly what Im looking for - steps/buddhism. Trigger, please go - if you do, you have to write back. I just found a zendo here here a few miles away.

Janice - can you forward me the link or post it where you obtain those excerpts? Also, I know youre in Jersey - Is there any place you'd recommend there? I would be interested.

You Can Not Make The Most Of Tomorrow Without First Making The Most Of Today.

HONESTY Doesnt Leave The Door Open For Interpretation.

liny - this is for you....

New York City

Venue: New York Insight Meditation Center
Day: Monday (first Monday of each month)
Time: 7:00pm - 9:00pm
Type: Addiction and Recovery. The Buddha and Bill W. The meetings will include Buddhist meditation practices, interactive exercises, dharma talks and discussion. Meeting facilitated by Sandra Weinberg.
Address: 28 West 27th Street, 10th floor

Other info: 2500 years ago the Buddha said craving and attachment is the cause of suffering. In the 1930’s Bill Wilson started the first Twelve Step program that worked with a deep form of craving and suffering: addictions. In these monthly meetings, we will explore the ways that Buddhism and the Steps support and complement each other and can deepen our spiritual lives. The meetings will include Buddhist meditation practices, interactive exercises, dharma talks and discussion. The evenings are open to all who are interested. You need not be in a Twelve Step program nor have a background in Buddhism. The fee is by donation.

Contact: Phone (212) 213-4802 Email nyinsight@earthlink.net Web site www.nyimc.org

In very early recovery...the only place I felt comfortable was in an AA meeting. I was a mess and still detoxing/PAWS...AA gave me a sense of sanity/clarity and hope.

I never did 90/90 and don't require it of anyone I sponsor. I physically couldn't get to a meeting everyday (although I wished I could)...I had a small child at the time and no help. I did get to a meeting as often as I possibly could.

more importantly...I was willing to take direction. I was willing to try something different...my way sucked.

peace
j

save em... they might help someone else someday.

what comes around, goes around. "it is karma," as my friend Sundeep says.--G

oh thanks so much Janice for all the cool info and links. definitely going to check out:

there's a wonderful thursday night "intro to meditation" class that i plan to attend. it's really close to where i live.

sunday, on instinct, i printed out some stuff from your thread and read it in the park, right? and later i was standing in the tree grove behind my park talking on the phone about my recovery because i didn't want my roommates to overhear me talking about the steps and AA. i realized that i had never stood in that tree grove before because i was too drugged out to do something like that. and some of the thoughts you are putting out in the world, Sluggo, deserve to be absorbed in nature.

at a meeting yesterday someone said that it is impossible to feel 'self pity' and 'gratitude' at the same time. i think this is bullsh*t because it is quite possible to feel like you don't deserve things.

and i *bleep*ed up all day yesterday even though i was trying to do the right thing. insomnia, then i sleep past 8am so i can't call Arlene on time and i text her instead and i know she hates this.

then i try to get some work done, and hand in a logo that i think is awesome. but i'm late for a meeting and i can't find the place and get there super late, and it's a complete wash. so i rush back home to find out that my client hates the work i handed in, and it's back to square one... but then i have to rush out to another meeting.

this second meeting is a share meeting, but i'm shocked at how many people are just clambering to speak... few listeners. and many people keep talking straight through their buzzer. i catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and realize that i have not bothered to take my sunglasses off or sit down and that my arms are folded across my chest and i'm scowling. and Ar is right-- Your perception and thinking is really not the best. You didn't slip, hun'....because you're still half in half out.

and since i'm standing by the door i realize i literally have one foot out the door. and the meeting ends, and a very nice blonde guy stands up and says he has books if anyone needs them. and finally i can get one of these mystical big books! and i go to find him, except this other dude is talking to him. the blonde looks me in the eyes and i can feel that he knows i am new. he motions for me to talk, and i start to... but the other guy turns to me and snaps. he actually yells at me-- excuse me! i'm talking here! looks me straight in the eyes... and though he's a stranger, it actually *bleep*ing hurts. i just shrug my shoulders and walk away... walk out into the parking lot and back to my car.

here's the thing-- when my boyfriend beat me up and my parents turned their backs on me, i realized that ultimately, people are selfish. even if someone claims to love you, that love is conditional and very rarely will someone put another's needs before their own. and i started to think about how drugs have always been there for me.

and last year, when i was sitting in my apartment slugging wine with fistfuls of pain meds, i was just so thankful for the drugs. because no one was picking up the phone when i called and i was just emailed this hotline for battered women or maybe it was for drug addiction... idk. drugs have been there for me more than people ever have, and it's been hard to shake that thought.

so i was walking back to my car thinking about hypocritical the meeting was. and then i realized the blonde dude had chased me all the way back to my car. and he stopped me and made me smile and said-- "you do know that AA stands for Alcoholic A$$holes, right?"

Have you been to any steps/BB meetings yet Trigger? I like those the most.

Keep moving ... can't wait to hear how tonight went. And thank you for your honesty.

trig -
I love that you don't edit, and I love your honesty.

thx.
j