Thread: To grow along spiritual lines...

Something that my sponsor said last week during my 5th step is freaking me out. I told her if I hadn't burned the Rx for 15 fentanyl patches back in October, that I'd have used.

"If you'd used the way you used to use," she said, "you might be dead."

I was just reading NA's How It Works and I realized, she was right, quite literally. I might be dead.

But because I'm so tired of being tired, I want to use so much. Right now. I want to use. I want to use!

The book says it's important to talk about how much we want to use. Not to deny it.

I have to clean the house for four days of company next week, and I'm just so tired. I don't want to clean. I'm also afraid if I don't clean (enough), my hb will get angry when he comes back, the way he did last weekend (and the week before that). I love my hb but I'm afraid of his anger.

I need (I want) to be Superwoman. I want everyone to be Happy with G.

I know: right action leads to right thinking. So I'll clean the house.

But this freaks me out. How could I want to do something that is so bad for me? :( --G

quote:Originally posted by guinevere64


But this freaks me out. How could I want to do something that is so bad for me? :( --G

G ~ What are your needs, now? And now? And now?

Arlene
Free;12-25-02


<center>THERE IS NOTHING SO REMARKABLE AS BEARING WITNESS
TO THE TRANSFORMATION OF THE HUMAN SPIRIT</center>

I don't know how to answer that, Ar. Needing to keep people happy is so deep in me. My mind believes it is a need. My reality is that it's a need.

Besides, my sister and her hb can't sleep in the room upstairs when it's filled with boxes.

I need to clean the house.

I need to take care of my son.

I also need to rest.

(Was this a trick question? I think I must have made the wrong answer.) --G

quote:Originally posted by guinevere64


(Was this a trick question? I think I must have made the wrong answer.) --G

No hun'...it was not a trick question.:)

Is people-pleasing a want or a need?

Is being a super-woman a want or need?

Since your sister & BIL have a desire to sleep in a room without boxes, is it not possible that they will want to help you clean them out?

Sweets...you can't be all things to all people at all times. It ain't f***ing possible.

The desire for caring for a child is very much a need. Children were not put in the care of parents to fend for themselves.

Sooo...in your need to care for your child...it would seem to me that you have a need to stay clean & sober. Focus and keep your eye on the ball.

You've done your 5th which would mean that you've gone quickly onward to your 6th & 7th, yes?

Ask G-d to remove those defects of character which block you from Her and your authentic self.[x2x]

Arlene
Free;12-25-02


<center>THERE IS NOTHING SO REMARKABLE AS BEARING WITNESS
TO THE TRANSFORMATION OF THE HUMAN SPIRIT</center>

Hun........ hire some one on you hubby's credit card.

All I can say is we can do what we can do right now. If it is that important to hubby he will understand what it takes to get it done.

quote:Originally posted by Bonita

Hun........ hire some one on you hubby's credit card.

Damm! Why didn't I think of that?? Best suggestion of the day.:D

G ~ The reason we are directed to talk about (write about) thoughts of using is to disempower what can become an obsession.

I was taught early on that I have 2 sides; my dark and my light. I have to embrace both...and have them live in harmony. As soon as I pretend that I don't have a dark side (not speaking just about drugs here), then I have given it wings...and the ability to fester and grow unabated.

Make sense, hun'?:)

Arlene
Free;12-25-02


<center>THERE IS NOTHING SO REMARKABLE AS BEARING WITNESS
TO THE TRANSFORMATION OF THE HUMAN SPIRIT</center>

quote:Originally posted by Bonita

Hun........ hire some one on you hubby's credit card.

All I can say is we can do what we can do right now. If it is that important to hubby he will understand what it takes to get it done.

Bonita... I've thought of doing that. Money is a big issue right now. I'm not earning a steady paycheck because I'm trying to make a go of being a freelancer. My hb never has believed I could do it, I don't think. I told him I'd take a year to try, and it's coming close to the end of the year, and I only got into detox in September and of course before that I wasn't going at 100 percent. I've been working real hard lately, though. I told him I might need a bit more time, and he has expressed some serious frustration with me. ... Suffice to say, in January I let go the woman who used to come clean the downstairs every two weeks. Maybe I could hire her back a couple times before the year's out, if she has time.

I ain't makin up excuses; I'm just trying to sort it out and get my priorities straight.

If I weren't so tired... The tiredness was always the thing that made me take drugs... It wasn't to get "wasted" and lie around, it was to Do Everything...

My hb is getting real impatient with me. What do you do when your partner asks, "How much longer is it going to take?" (i.e., for you to be normal) I tell him I don't know.

He works so hard himself. He shouldn't have to work as hard as he does: he's 60.

I been going through boxes and what I'm finding is a lot of my dad's stuff that I just put off going through because it hurts too much. Procrastination.

Boy, Bonita, I'm glad you've decided to be with me in all this, from suboxone on out....

Arlene... You're right about the thing about pretending not to have a dark side. I've been trying to fake it till I make it for a long time. This was my therapist's suggestion. My AlAnon sponsor wasn't exactly fond of saying it, but she sometimes suggested it also. I don't think it's working for me now. I wish I could come on here and say every day that I'm doing great, but it just isn't true.

OK, so, the 7th step prayer. Again. ... I wish I could get to a meeting, but I'm alone with my boy. ... thanks for staying with me. --G

quote:Originally posted by guinevere64
I've been trying to fake it till I make it for a long time. This was my therapist's suggestion. My AlAnon sponsor wasn't exactly fond of saying it, but she sometimes suggested it also. I don't think it's working for me now. I wish I could come on here and say every day that I'm doing great, but it just isn't true.

OK, so, the 7th step prayer. Again. ... I wish I could get to a meeting, but I'm alone with my boy. ... thanks for staying with me. --G

Baby girl....listen up for a sec.

The fake 'til you make it (act as if) scenario is a wonderful tool...as opener. Thereafter...it becomes a facade...a sham. Not dissimilar to the sham of living in active addiction.

This thing about faking it can turn on its ear from the positive tool it is to get through acute tough spots to morphing into pretending you're something that you're not.

Its not meant for a chronic state of being.

See how close that looks to active addiction? It bites you in the arse.

Yes...the 7th Step prayer is what I was going for. Its an amazing prayer of humility. G ~ have you gotten down on your knees today and asked to be relieved of the obsession?

Arlene
Free;12-25-02


<center>THERE IS NOTHING SO REMARKABLE AS BEARING WITNESS
TO THE TRANSFORMATION OF THE HUMAN SPIRIT</center>

This from Recovery 101: The Toolbox:

quote:Originally posted by arlenewla

On the subject of expectations......

Holidays are fast approaching. They can be difficult times for the newly recovering.

Women with Martha Stewart tendencies....the Superwomen....become easily overwhelmed when trying to replicate past performances. The whirl of activity that you may have accomplished when on drugs is something that you probably won't be able to match...in early sobriety.

The energy that you're functioning on now is yours...it doesn't belong to an outside source. Your coping skills are yours...they no longer come in pill form.

Don't expect that which is unrealistic. If the house isn't perfect...don't get frustrated. If every present isn't the best...dont sweat it. If you only have 1 pie instead of 3...it will suffice.

The turkey is secondary. Don't let Martha Stewart define who you think you should be. The biggest gift you can offer family and friends for the holidays is a sober, present and accountable you. For as Martha would say...that is a good thing...a very good thing.[;^)]

Arlene F.
Exodus From MMT;12-25-02
<center>THIS TOO SHALL PASS</center>

What I managed to get done while my hb was away:

• Take care of my son and make arrangements for him to play with other kids Friday and Saturday

• Get bids from two furnace guys to replace the broken furnace

• Do my job (never at the top of the list, it seems)

• Get the room upstairs 3/4 cleaned

• Vacuumed the dust out of our bedroom (he's allergic)

But I forgot to eat some food he left for me in the fridge. He asked me if he's going to have to be the one to make sure all the food gets eaten or thrown out. He asked me what he can "reasonably" expect with regard to what I can do.

The canyon I'm in is, I don't know what's "reasonable" anymore. I told him so. I told him one pear that was over the hill and one uneaten stuffed pepper were really low on my list these days. He told me he's lost all faith in any of the intentions I express--that I have "no credibility" with him when it comes to intentions. I told him it was fair enough: that I've lost all faith that he's "sorry" when he gets angry.

Ar, I love your post above because it's so gentle and accepting. But I don't live with acceptance in the house. I am face to face with this fear of not being enough, every day. I told him this morning that my problem is, I can make amends, I can acknowledge something is wrong and try to change my behavior, but that's not enough: I have to MAKE IT OK FOR HIM, TOO. I have to take away his feelings about it all.

I get on my knees and say the 7th step prayer and ask for this fear to be removed. And sometimes it is. But then I look at my hb's face and it all comes roaring back.

Please don't misunderstand me: he's a good man. He's just sick of living with an addict.

--G

quote:Originally posted by guinevere64


The canyon I'm in is, I don't know what's "reasonable" anymore. I told him so. I told him one pear that was over the hill and one uneaten stuffed pepper were really low on my list these days. He told me he's lost all faith in any of the intentions I express--that I have "no credibility" with him when it comes to intentions. I told him it was fair enough: that I've lost all faith that he's "sorry" when he gets angry.

I am face to face with this fear of not being enough, every day.

why do you have this fear? what is the underlying fear?
Fear is not real. Fear is a thought...nothing more. thoughts feed emotions and emotions feed thought and they both turn in on the body....for you, sick and tired.

quote:
I told him this morning that my problem is, I can make amends, I can acknowledge something is wrong and try to change my behavior, but that's not enough: I have to MAKE IT OK FOR HIM, TOO. I have to take away his feelings about it all.
--G

no, no you don't....and realistically, you can't. You G, don't have that much power. none of us do. how he feels, what he does, how he reacts...that's on him. How you react to him....well, that's on you.

live NOW. right now, you're doing the best that you can. that's really all any of us can do. I fall short daily....it is what it is.

peace
j

quote:Originally posted by Sluggo

Fear is not real. Fear is a thought...nothing more. thoughts feed emotions and emotions feed thought and they both turn in on the body....for you, sick and tired.

You G, don't have that much power. none of us do. how he feels, what he does, how he reacts...that's on him. How you react to him....well, that's on you.

live NOW. right now, you're doing the best that you can. that's really all any of us can do. I fall short daily....it is what it is.

peace
j

How u feeling today, J? Thinking of you.

The underlying fear... well, not sure about that. I've lived with fear since I was very young. I guess the underlying fear is that I'm not lovable... that if I'm not "enough," I won't be loved. This was my experience when I misbehaved and my mother refused to speak with me for days. (this began when I was very, very young: say, 3 or 4; see my other thread)

When I did wrong things, I learned not that I needed to make things right, but that I MYSELF WAS WRONG.

Not sure if this makes sense... it's so old and deep for me, I hardly can imagine life being any different... Sometimes when I have a major encounter with God (like I did when I discovered I was an addict, and was accepted into AA immediately and with care) I can believe God loves me, and this is amazing. I definitely did not have this experience as a child or young person.

Janice, can you access this experience on a daily basis through prayer & meditation? Is it too much to ask to be able to have this in early recovery? (these are not rhetorical questions: I'm serious)

Lots more thoughts... Also I need to say that it wasn't true, what I said before about "not living with acceptance in the house"... My hb has acceptance by times; but when he gets angry, he REALLY gets angry. And because my character defect is so glaring--it's like his anger is the opiate and my defect is the big empty receptor.

Huh. Never thought of it like that before.

But I did manage to tell him that, the next time he gets angry, I need to just walk out of the room because his anger makes me sick (i.e., activates my own sickness--it doesn't constitute my sickness).

Lots more thoughts but gotta run for now. Thanks, J. --G

quote:Originally posted by guinevere64

Janice, can you access this experience on a daily basis through prayer & meditation? Is it too much to ask to be able to have this in early recovery? (these are not rhetorical questions: I'm serious)

Yes...you can access the presence of your Being, of your God...at any moment. yes, on a daily basis.

in early recovery? I'm not sure what that means for you. to me...the journey of spiritual experience was a process of removal...not accumulation. I didn't need to find or get God...God was never lost. What I did need to do was to reveal and remove all the crap that was blocking me from a connection to that Power. That Power (God/HP/Being/Buddha nature...whatever) is in everyone, I have no more Power than that junkie sleeping under the Brooklyn Bridge....its just that I've been able...through a process of removal...to align myself with that Power. live mindful, returning to breath is to return to Being. The very ground of our soul. peace. innate peace.

easy? not always. possible? of course. the process of removal for me started in my 3rd step in the discarding of my old belief systems of what God is and what God isn't. the process continues today...the more crap I can get rid off...the freer I am.

long winded answer for....yes and perhaps.