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Thread: I miss her

  1. #1
    Hermom is offline Junior Member
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    Default I miss her

    I am a mother of 5 beautiful daughters. My 33 yr old is an opiate/heroin addict. She has 2 wonderful daughters, ages 4 and 13. This is the short version of our story.

    Myndi met her boyfriend as a teen. She was an honor roll student. Right after graduation she got a good paying job and worked it faithfully for 10 years. She started college and was on the deans list. She was a wonderful, caring, loving, smart, beautiful, young little petite blond with big brown eyes. Her long time boyfriend broke her back and she started on pain pills. After the birth of her last daughter she developed Type 1 diabetes. She started being sick all the time and blamed it on her diabetes. Worst lead to worse. I spent many days and nights trying to save her from death. She fell below 90 lbs - in and out of diabetic comas. Eventually I worked with law enforcement and she was arrested. I asked the judge to not give her a bond because I knew he would bond her out. She was sent to a rehab.

    She would purposely make herself go into diabetic ketosis by not taking care of her diabetes and was sent to the hospital many times... so the rehab would discharge her fast because of all her medical problems. After 3 months she was discharged and eventually re-gained custody of her children.

    She seemed to have periods of looking really good and acting great and then periods of being sick (saying it was her diabetes and possibly Lupus). She would use the diabetes sickness all the time. Regardless, I had to take the children to make sure they were taken care of. Then of course, this would give her more "free time" for drug use, but my main concern were the children and their safety.

    She is currently in jail. I emailed the probation officer and told her my suspicions and eventually, she peed dirty. She has been in jail about 2 months now. We have found a rehab to possibly take her next week (they have to clear the diabetic issue with the dr and also she is on tramidol (sp?) for her back pain and they may not accept her).

    I have had people tell me she is trading her meat for inmates pain pills. She tries to get people who get to go out to work crew to meet her "boyfriend" for some heroin to sneek in. I called the Sheriff to let him know to make the necessary changes in jail so this can't happen anymore. I've had people tell me she sells pain pills too. I had always looked at her as a victim, but now I feel she is a person who is pushing it and no better than her boyfriend who started it all.

    I just spent 2 days going through her apt. to salvage what I could. I mainly only did that to save personal photos and things the kids wanted. This is the second time now she has lost everything. I gave away all her furniture to local charities (or the landlord would have pitched it all).

    This has been so hard for our entire family. Everyone keeps thinking about the Myndi we once knew. I don't think she is here anymore.

    I have read a lot on the forum. Everyone says stay strong until they hit bottom and decide to change for themselves. How do I know when that happens? She ALWAYS tells us she has changed and is so much happier now and will never use again.....and then she does it again. Her daughters have a big family to love them, but they want a "normal" mother. When she is in rehab, should we make every visiting time like we did the first time she was in.... or should we only go once in a while?

    I miss her so much. I don't think she will ever be back. I feel so bad when I think "if she did overdose she would be out of her pain and we would not have to deal with this anymore" I know that sound terrible but I don't see any end to this suffering for her or any of our family. Seems like our last 4 years have been all about Myndi. An emotional roller coaster. We tried very hard not to enable, but sometimes it was hard when she had custody of two children. I will not let my grandchildren go without anything. I am glad she is in jail and the kids are safe with me.

    I am trying hard to be strong. I have read "Co-Dependent No More" and "Boundaries" several times. I have attended some support meetings when I can and I also have attended counseling and I have very strong faith.

    I find myself looking at old photos, of the chubby cheeked girl scout, the softball player, all the vacations and fun times, happy holidays, laughing cookouts, playing jokes on each other, special loving moments. I miss it all... I miss her.

    I appologize if this post seems harsh or confusing. It's late and I'm stressed. Please know we do love her very much. Any words of wisdom/knowledge would be greatly appreciated.
    May God keep all of us in his care.

  2. #2
    glynntoo is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: I miss her

    Oh darn...I had typed up a long response and then lost it before it posted. Gotta run with the grandsons but just wanted to say - I felt the love you have for your daughter (and grandchildren) - in a similar circumstance - will try to re-post later.

  3. #3
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    teddyb is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: I miss her

    Dear HerMom, you have LOADS of company here! I know glynn will get back to you and many other Moms too! Your story and mine parallel each other to a great extent except for the fact that our daughter never had any children. In that respect, I know Glynn can help you alot! So much of what you say about your daughter is exactly how we feel about our own. Kind,intelligent, talented and beautiful! Great potential! Our girl is extremely sensitive and had a lot of trouble coping with bullies when she was younger. She also struggles with an eating disorder and low self esteem. I looked at her childhood pics as you describe and asked myself, HOW?? And WHY??? We missed her so badly from our lives and hated the person who took her place. You are not alone and thinking that death would bring some peace and closure for those of us who love an addict. Life with an active addict becomes impossible. Nothing makes sense, nothing can be predicted (except that they will do anything for the next high). They live in another dimension? A world that any non addict cannot comprehend. It will make you sick to be around an addict. It will cause you to do things you never envisioned you could do. You have worked very hard to save her. How many times have you bailed her out of tough situations? Paid her bills? Put her back 'on her feet' again? Counseled and advised her? Is there anything you haven't said to her? Haven't you thought how you'd give your own life so she could have hers? And her children make everything so much harder because they must be cared for and protected. I can't imagine how that intensifies all your fears and concerns! We all know that you love your daughter, so don't fear that when you express your feelings. We've felt the very same way. I have despaired that my daughter would ever get it. She's had many detox and rehab experiences. She is currently sober for nearly 6 months, something I didn't really believe would happen. I knew it was within her power to make it happen, but I didn't know if she would ever really do it. I also know there are no promises that she will stay sober. It's obvious to everyone who loves her that she has grown up a lot, become more responsible. She's engaged in her life and is doing very well at her job. She needs to guard her sobriety very closely. She knows we support her, but her best chance is seeking out help from others who have successfully guarded their sobriety. What is different this time is her commitment to living her life without drugs. She wanted it for herself this time MORE THAN we wanted it for her. We had stopped seeking it for her and somehow she began to seek it for herself. If you are going to Alanon, please keep going. It's a group I believe saved my sanity. They showed me how sick I had become because I thought I was required to control and manage her disease. I thought it was my job as her mom. She was making bad decisions and I should step in and make good ones for her. It never, ever worked, but I nearly lost my own mind trying. Your grandchildren need support and
    counseling from professionals who understand addiction. Please stick around and continue posting because these people supported me through so much. There have been so many times I was so depressed I couldn't even post anymore, but they were all here ready to help me. We understand and are here to help. Sorry for my rambling reply.....Hugs.

  4. #4
    Hermom is offline Junior Member
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    Default Re: I miss her

    Thanks for your reply. I'm so happy your daughter has 6 mos clean! I pray this is the time she will stay clean for herself and loved ones. My daughter is now in "the hole" at jail because I called the sheriff and told them she was trying to trade her meat for pills from an inmate (and more things). She is in "the hole" with a woman who murdered a baby, so she is telling us she feels God placed her there to get information to help solve this murder case...she has always been a huge child advocate (but can't see how her addiction hurts her own children). We will find out next week if she can go into the rehab. There is an issue about the purchasing of her diabetic supplies for 1 month until they can get her a medical card. I will continue to read and post. I appreciate this forum very much <3

  5. #5
    Ggranny is offline Member
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    Default Re: I miss her

    Oh hermom, I know so well what you describe...

    You see, my oldest son is an alcoholic - has been for many, many years. He was such a sweet child - gentle, sensitive, intelligent... But then something terrible happened, and something inside him broke. I don't know what it was, but I can pinpoint when it happened almost to the day. He started drinking. He started a degree, but never finished it. He lost more jobs because of his drinking than I care to remember. I spent so many years catching him when he fell and cleaning up his messes - I paid his rent, his bills, bought him food, drove him to job-interviews when he lost his car. My life was all about him. When he married, we hoped that his wife would be able to influence him for the better, but she never seemed able to do that. When his children were born, we hoped, again, that it would motivate him to stop. But it didn't. I ended up doing most of the work of bringing up his children, while he drank and his wife wallowed in her own self-pity.

    As the boys grew up, it became harder and harder to deny the evidence that they were being abused. When they were about 4, I called social services, told them suspected son was abusing my grandsons, and that I wanted to take them to live with me. I cried all the way through that phonecall, and for days afterwards. I was perhaps even more heartbroken at having to face the fact that, as much as I loved him, and still love him, my son had become a man I could neither like nor respect. They investigated, but before they could do anything, my son and his family moved away overnight, without giving notice or telling anyone where they went.

    Earlier this year, Social services contacted me out of the blue, and told me that my son had been in prison for 3 years, his wife was no where to be found, and that the foster-parents who have had the boys for the last 3 years, have been abusing them. I filed for custody.

    Now, I am on here looking for support in helping one of my grandsons - he is 16 years old and addicted to heroin - a second-generation addict. He is due to go into detox for the third time this year on Tuesday. My daughters think that I am making a mistake - that I am simply cleaning up my son's mess once again, that I am co-dependent. But how could I leave these boys to pay for their father's mistakes? I had to do what I could to help them.

    I have not visited my son in prison. I know he is safe, and for now I don't have the emotional energy to deal with two addicts. I also know that the man I will find there will be a stranger - not the boy I remember. But I miss him every day! I miss my sweet, smart boy. I see some of his sensitivity in his sons, and it breaks my heart to think what he has become. I have also looked at his childhood photos, and wondered how? Why? I lie awake at night, wondering what sort of man he could have turned into, and if that man he had the potential to become is still in there somewhere. I cry for my grandsons, wondering what sort of boys they would have been if they had a happy life...

    Like you, I catch myself thinking that if he died, his pain would be over, and I would never have to deal with him again. And that breaks my heart all over again, because what sort of mother could so easily face her child's death?

    I just wanted to share this part of my story, so that you can know that I understand. I don't have much advice for you - I am still learning myself, but the women - mothers - on this site have helped me to feel less alone.

  6. #6
    Hermom is offline Junior Member
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    Default Re: I miss her

    Ggranny, Thank you for your reply. My heart goes out to you and I'm sending you a cyberhug<3! Sounds like the boys had some rough times they need to process and deal with. I pray for every family on this forum. I pray the addicted loved ones can find their inner pain and deal with it and heal so they won't have to turn to drugs to have a "good day". I also pray family & friends can have strength and wisdom. I know I will find strength and wisdom here just by continuing to read. I hope the detox is a success!

  7. #7
    Hermom is offline Junior Member
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    Default Re: I miss her

    Update: She will go to court on Friday morning to see if she can enter rehab or whatever the judge decides. I leave it in God's hands. I pray whatever the outcome, it is God's will. She looks so much better with the added weight and dark circles gone. Her personality is better too, not self-centered but more concerned about others her actions have affected. I know this is just the beginning of another uncertain journey but I continue to hope for the best. Hugs to all<3

  8. #8
    teddyb's Avatar
    teddyb is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: I miss her

    I stand with you hoping for the best. I hope her judge is a compassionate person who has some knowledge of addiction! So glad you have joined us here at ODR. Your knowledge has already been a help and comfort to others! I hope your daughters cleared head will come to the understanding that her current lifestyle isn't working and its time to try something new. I will be thinking of you and her and sending my love.

  9. #9
    PrincessMa is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: I miss her

    Hermom,
    Each time I scan through the message list and see the title of your post I get a tear in my eye as it leads me back to the simple truth of how much I truly miss my girl. I think that one thing we ALL have in common here is the fact that we ALL miss our children. Whether they are teenagers or adults with their own children - no matter. There will always be that memory of who we thought they would be, what we thought they would do etc. I am grateful to at least have that memory and if I try hard I can still see a glimmer of that child now and then. I don't have any earth shattering advice - I wish I did. Just know that we all care and will do our part in hoping and praying for the best for each of our babies.
    B.

  10. #10
    Hermom is offline Junior Member
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    Default Re: I miss her

    Update: No Rehab will take her due to her type1 diabetes. ARG! So she was given 60 days (already served 48). She will be on 3 more years probation, Intensive outpatient treatment, Domestic violence program, ongoing counseling, and is to check into suboxone treatment. (the probation officer said she had several people who are very successful on suboxone...is that a good idea??).
    Thank you Teddyb and PrincessMa for your replies. I feel you understand so much and that makes me feel like I'm not so alone. I do have family & friends who are supportive, but I feel people here know how I feel deep down inside because they have felt it themselves. I'm praying for all of us and our babies too! Hugs to all <3

  11. #11
    krish's Avatar
    krish is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: I miss her

    Hermom,

    There is a suboxone section of this board. I suggest you read as much as you can. The idea of this board is to be free from all substances.. including suboxone. Em has been on it, short term in rehab detoxes. It's not for long term, as it stays in the body long term and comes with it's own withdrawl problems.

    It sounds like there is a "plan" and like you said, she has 30 clean years to draw from. I dont' know what part of OH you are in, but there is rehab / jail in Marysville.. they have meetings, counseling, etc. You would have to ask the judge for it specifically. I can find out the name of it if you want. Hugs, K

  12. #12
    krish's Avatar
    krish is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: I miss her

    Oh the other thing , around here, many go on Subs, sell them for Heroin, but a keep a few back for when they are to meet with their probation officer, so they test "clean".

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