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  1. #1
    frenchyo is offline Member
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    Default .................................

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    Last edited by frenchyo; 03-05-2011 at 08:21 AM.

  2. #2
    Joplinfrk's Avatar
    Joplinfrk is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: relationship with an addict/recovering addict

    As an addict in recovery I would suggest to you that you take care of yourself. For days I can tell you about the Hell I put my loved ones through. My first love was my disease; it came first and if I had to lie to my partner, which I did..along with steal, manipulate, scheme, ad infinitum to get my fix, I did. Granted we've been together over 20 years and we have been through much but if he isn't ready to get help and follow through with it, be prepared to be the other woman and second fiddle at that. I have no doubt he is a great guy, many of us are the salt of the earth but when you love an addict that is active, the harsh truth is that the disease comes first. Not you.
    Have you considered drawing the line in the sand like on Intervention? Follow through with the consequences if he continues on his path of destruction.
    After many tears, counseling and my attending nightly AA meetings, we are finally back on track. After almost three years sober, I'm still gaining trust slowly day by day.
    Hang in there but if you need to "step over the bodies" to save yourself, do so.
    We are here to listen.
    Don't be afraid of withdrawal. The sick feeling will pass and then the real work starts: staying sober. For me, the rooms of AA were the last thing I tried and the first thing that worked, but it will only work if you work it.

    1/31/2008

  3. #3
    frenchyo is offline Member
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    Default Re: relationship with an addict/recovering addict

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    Last edited by frenchyo; 03-05-2011 at 07:51 AM.

  4. #4
    glynntoo is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: relationship with an addict/recovering addict

    I've read all your posts frencyyo - and can certainly see the love and devotion you have for your boyfriend....and I admire and respect that love.

    However, my daughter met her husband at 17 - and now in her 30s is still married to him. She followed him blindly...she has said "I can't leave him broken" - and all I can say is and now you're broken, too.

    I guess I disagree with staying with an addict. Last time I said something like this I think I insulted some on the board...but, it's such a serious situation - love has little place in it all (IMO). My daughter says she would never leave her husband "no matter what" - I don't buy that. I've been in love with my first love all my life and there are things in the realm of possibilities he could do that would cause me to leave him. I think non addict partners think they would never "go there" - and maybe most don't - I don't know...I just know the tragedy that I'm watching.

    Please take what I say with a grain of salt. I now have my daughters wonderful sons living with me....love wasn't enough to fix that problem....hugs and best wishes to you....

  5. #5
    Tulyk is offline Junior Member
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    Default Re: relationship with an addict/recovering addict

    I agree with Glynntoo, but when you are emotionally attached directly to the addict things change... It is all most like be become very 'addicted' to them and wanting to help them. An if we walk away, we start to have withdrawals from them. We the 'other half' of the addict need to find our own separate recovery so that one day we can walk away... Now I am new to this addiction (Even though most of my family has hard addiction that I have always ignored) an have only been in the picture of a addict emotionally for 6 months but I can see how hard now it is to just give up and walk away. Even more so if they keep trying. I can not even imagine how people much feel that are in relationships for 2-3-10 years...

    My suggestion to you Frenhyo is to try and help 'yourself' find a way to move on first. If you are able to find that path out, take it. On your way you might find a path that will allow you to protect yourself first and still be there to support him. This is stuff I know I have to do... but it is just so hard to convince your mind to do so.
    Last edited by Tulyk; 08-29-2010 at 10:58 PM. Reason: Yup

  6. #6
    frenchyo is offline Member
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    Default Re: relationship with an addict/recovering addict

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    Last edited by frenchyo; 03-05-2011 at 07:51 AM.

  7. #7
    -op8 is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: relationship with an addict/recovering addict

    Hi frenchyo,
    My 2 cents worth, for loves sake, nice garden, eden with in, i like it.
    You know sometimes in all the addiction drama, real love shines through, if you've shared that with your partener, then that somehow makes it worth it. To me, anyway.
    Good Gardening

  8. #8
    teddyb's Avatar
    teddyb is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: relationship with an addict/recovering addict

    Dear French, I love the gardening analogy- its perfect! I just used it in a message to another person on this section. I gave you credit for it :) I think the physical distance between you and your bf right now does give you some emotional distance with the addiction/recovery. I dont know how much, but you certainly seem to be a smart young lady who is giving this a lot of thought. Having said that, however, its easy to lose yourself in someone elses war with drugs- only saying that because I did it. Just make sure you devote yourself to your garden so that the health of yours isnt linked to the health of his. Does that make sense? Wishing you both the very best!

  9. #9
    krish's Avatar
    krish is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: relationship with an addict/recovering addict

    Hey French--

    I am really glad things are going well for you both right now! You seem like you are in a good place and that's always such a nice comfort.
    I wish I knew all you did at your age.. ( I would probably be childless! LOL)
    Be well
    Hugs
    K

  10. #10
    TMC
    TMC is offline Junior Member
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    Default Re: relationship with an addict/recovering addict

    Hi French, I have been married for 10.5 years and am standing beside my husband tryingto recover as well. This is not the frist time but I am def hoping it is the last, only him and time can tell. We are also seperated but only by about 600+ miles but ater so many years together even one mile seems too many. He feels as he needs to do his detox and recovery in NC, where his parents are. Was going to come home this weekend but does not feel like he is strong enough yet, he is 9 days clean! So proud of him, I think the longes was approx 3 months but this time it seems different, he wants it more, he goes to NA every day, went to an assessment and has therapy starting this week. I can understand you standing by an addict, people think I am crazy or insane, he has cheated on me, lied to me, stole, called me names...all while using. I truly believe my sober clean husband would not do that to me. We shall see, I selfishly yearn for him to be here holding me but I know in my heart him being where he is, is the better option. If he came back and was not strong enough we wouldbe down this path again and I do not know how much more I can take if he relapsed. What I do know is that we have a chance this way, HE has a chance this way.

  11. #11
    frenchyo is offline Member
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    Default Re: relationship with an addict/recovering addict

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    Last edited by frenchyo; 03-05-2011 at 07:52 AM.

  12. #12
    krish's Avatar
    krish is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: relationship with an addict/recovering addict

    Awhh Frenchyo...

    I am really sorry to hear about your Dad. You know my brother had a liver transplant due to Hep C. There are new things coming out.... and would it be possible for him to get on a transplant list? It's a horrible disease as well... I will keep him in my thoughts and prayers.

    As far as you having a child.. there is plenty of time for that.. and also lots of options now a days. Mainly, keep positive thoughts.. probably now is not time.. it could be as simple as that.

    I am really happy to read your b/f is still fighting the good fight. That has to bring you some relief.. focus on the good.

    Sounds like over all, you are doing well too... that's the best we can do...
    Big hugs
    K

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