SUPPORTIVEGIRL27 - Isn't it is sad and irritating and scary how much another persons addiction can mess up OUR minds. The cell phone change, job change, lack of scummy people he owed all have to be soothing to the mind. Taking control of the things we CAN does help.

Not sure what Roxy's are but thinking maybe Oxycotin? Our girl went through the snorting that stuff before she started smoking it before she started - etc. If you are on here you probably know the progression I guess. She quit each of the 'things' on her own for a time. But only for a while. As her counselor has made us aware, they will continue to find a new addiction until they deals with whatever is inside them causing them to search. I am hoping and praying that the counselors at her recovery home will help her uncover that.

If the mental stuff is what he is having issues with get him to try and find a counselor well versed in addiction. Going to as many NA meetings as possible would be good to - he could ask around at the meetings for suggestions from others that have suffered from the same withdrawals. I have just felt so unequipped to assist our girl with the feelings and issues that have been coming up for her as I have never really ever known anyone from my past that has suffered from the addictions she does. My addiction to sweets just doesn't compare. I told her that the day she went into the recovery home was the day I would start my diet. If she can quit all that crap - I can quit the bad eating habits.

My attendance with her occasionally to her counselor has helped me as well. Same thing with attending the NA meetings right alongside her. The Al Anon meetings are real helpful also. You have to keep trying different ones until you find the one that 'fits'. That is where I got the names of a few of the doctors and the counselor that has been so helpful.

Today things are good and that just has to be enough for now for me. Keep pluggin along...

Fletcher--

I am so happy for you and your daughter! That is such encouraging news!
Don't feel guilty for feeling good... it's been a long road and you deserve that feeling! Grab hold of it and hold on to it!

I also like the idea it is 9 month program.. and your daughter is happily surprised about it too .. makes it all that much better!


My daughter is not out of the woods ... and I am not thrilled about it... but I am still very happy for you... so don't worry about others... that's too much... enjoy your good feeling.. you deserve it!

Supportivegirl- I am sorry you are going thru this... but sounds like you have a good handle on it and taking postive steps. Just the fact he let you change the cell phone numbers is GREAT! He is lucky to have you to support him. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts... keep coming back here..you will find a great group of supportive people who have been where you are now.. and there is comfort in that.
Hugs
K

Oh I am so happy to hear that. And it is so surprising how they get it finally. How they change their behavior and become adults. And there is NOTHING that can beat a mother loving her ADULT child. WOW, just awesome. And I am sure the out patient will keep her going too. Even to the point of reminding her always recovery must come first if it is going to last.

As for feeling badly about all the others, well that is why (or one of the reasons anyway) I stick around here. I just believe that there is never enough done for addicts or for people with HepC, and the support is~well honestly love some people just do not understand addiction and are very quick to judge. While I have no problem admitting I was an addict once or that I am/was an enabler, other people feel they have to hide that part of their lives. To me those really hard times taught me the hugest of lessons. Lessons that are ingrained forever in my memory. When I got to the point of thinking why me?????~~~~~ well it was no time at all before I remembered that things happen for a reason and perhaps I ought to get off my a** and do all I can to help those who WANT help, for honestly those are the only ones that one can help.

And then there is the thing about doing something for yourself now. This is such an important part of her recovery, your recovery will matter so much to her now. Give of yourself, like you do on here. It matters, if one person, just one, can be somehow guided in the right direction then it is all worth it. If I did not have my dad here, I think I would be volunteering to work in shelters and such. I would love that, like teaching, I loved it so so much. But I know if I do not take care of me, that me gets sick, so I take care of me now. And I also know that my dad would be lost without me around, so I will not leave him in the lurch, he was a great dad when i was growing up, taught me all the right lessons. So what goes around, comes around, I do my part there.

Be well, time for you now!
Love annie

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Anne

Yeah - Our girl is off "blackout" and I can go visit with her this afternoon. She's excited particularly since visitors can bring in food and she is having sushi withdrawals along with everything else. She is attending NA, AA, Smart Recovery, CMA - a different meeting each evening and lots of other classes and a variety of groups each day. She's been there 26 days so far and is still happy to be there - so grateful.

Still on suboxone though - her Dr. suggested she wait a bit longer before they discuss tapering her off.

B.

Oh I am so happy to hear that! My son also craved sushi. These groups help her to take on what is referred to as a "collective value system" becuase right now she is learning to rebuild her own value system and really needs the guidance of the group to help her do that.

It takes awhile for her to get herself back, with love and responsibility for self, but also it will take you awhile as well. Try and have something good to say about your life to her. I know that is so hard as for so long your life was caught up in hers, but they need to hear that you are doing well too.

Good luck today, my heart is with you. You must be so happy at this point. I remember when I could actually take an entire breath in without wanting to hyperventilate. In actuality I think it took me longer to get myself back then it did my son. After all he was engaged in all these structural environments where he was learning to build his own structure. I did not have that, only the constant daily advice of someone high in NA who helped me learn that letting go of him was the only way to let him heal, and that part of his healing, included mine.

So many hugs going with you today, for you and your lovely maturing adult child!
Great to hear this.
Just so happy for you.
Love annie

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Anne

Off to see her get her 30 day token.
Good news.
Exhaling a bit more...

Congrats!!!

She is really lucky to have you... I am not sure I will be there for the year coin... so I am so glad you are setting a good example for me!
Enjoy your time with her!!
Hugs
K

Hello again,

Our girl was asked to leave her 6 month residential program for some 'issues' with respecting authority. Not really surprising - that's always been something she is challenged with. She came home with her ADD med still in her pocket that day - her mouth has always been the most obvious symptom of her ADD. Speak first, thinks later. I think she is lonely - not enough clean friends - I think that was one of the nicest part about being in a residential program. She really enjoyed the program for the most part but never really felt that most of the other residents liked her. She overheard hurtful comments that were made about her a lot. She has a tough exterior and she didn't discuss it with the counselors etc. I think the anger that she always carries with her just go to the explosion point after being there for a while. Who knows She needs a lot of help with anger in general and needs to be clean long enough to grow up emotionally.

Anyway - she is doing well, going to lots of meetings etc. Working with a sponsor. Avoiding old friends who have been users. I worry a little that she is starting to spend lots of time on myspace - getting into the whole high school attitude stuff that goes along with knowing everyone's business. I am concerned that the boredom factor will become a problem. She does not drive and our home isn't super convenient to the bus system. She has no real work experience - does have college credits - may be real challenging to find a job right now. She is planning on getting back into an outpatient program - we would like to see another residential one. Not sure if there is another one around that we can afford.

She is good for now. But... I am a mess. I think I will feel better when we have more of a plan. I have started to draft up a set of 'rules' that we will all agree to live by if she is to stay with us for a while. Being that she is almost 24, making 'rules' feels so odd, like we are living 20 years ago - again... Financially she is totally dependent on us - she has been clean 70 days. She is so new to being clean that I don't want to make unreasonable requests that may make her staying focused on being sober more challenging.

I need ideas - or suggestions I guess - for things that may make having an adult child live with us.

Sorry if I rambled - i thought I would just type a sentence or two and it just kept on a coming. Thank you

Fletcher - I'm so sorry. I am on way to Dr. appt and will comment on your post later today. It's complicated, I know. I guess focus on the fact she is 70 days clean. But, what next, I know is the question. More later, K

Fletcher... ((HUGS))

I am so sorry... all I can tell you... we will probably in the same boat, for the same reasons. Emily has over heard staff talk about her as well. And emotionally very young to handle it or shrug it off.. she is just giving them attitude.

I am not a professional on the issue of having adult children that are in early recovery at home.. however.. we had many sessions on this subject with our counselor and Emily. We drew up a contract.... she never signed it and had no intentions of doing it... but we were told.. it is our home and she has a choice to abide by our "rules" or guildlines or she can leave. Bottom line it's our home, we pay the mortage.

Our first priority was her sobriety. So we put 90 days/ 90 meetings. Girls group once a week. 30 minutes of step work a day. 1 hour a week talking to a sponcer.. Getting a sponcer within 1 week of being home.

My husband and I were divided on what to make a priority. I felt her recovery / and living at home with our guidelines was first. He felt she needed to add a part time job.

We were told, not leave 1 loop hole out. Spell it out for her. So like Monday is her laundry day.. nothing to be left in the laundry room of hers.. she needs to fold it and put it away.

Every night by 8pm the "emily trail" has to picked up and put away. She tends to leave things in my car.. in the kitchen, pop cans or water bottles or soup bowls everywhere.

She has to cook a dinner 2 times a week.

She is to do dishes every other night.

Help as needed in the yard, bathroom, cleaning

Post schedule for week or month on refrig. Since she doesn't drive, we need to know when and where she has to be somewhere.

If she is not able to do something.. and her emotions get out of control, we will ask her to take a break, calm down , call her sponser or someone.

We also put on there about facebook and myspace. That she needs to ask to use the computer and there will be a time limit.. for the reasons you stated above.

Same with cell phone. We are paying for it, so we may take if we think she is using it do to drugs, etc. Otherwise she can buy her own.

We need to meet her friends. She needs to keep in contact with us. She needs to answer us with in 10 minutes of us trying to reach her.

To me, it is sooo much easier to do with others, like my clients and stuff.. but when it's a family memeber it's too close to home or something... it was hard.

Emily is ADD too. She doesn't "think" before.. like her trail or charging her battery or leaving her schedule for us.. I was always reminding of her of this stuff.. drives me batty.

Keep us posted.. this is not easy, I know...
HUGS
K

Krish - Sooo helpful - couldn't find words for the "trail" and once a day keeps me from following her around and nitpicking..

and Glyntoo - yeah - It's the what next that concerns me.

I am leaving this weekend for an overdue girls weekend - leaving she a Dad to their own devices. I guess I am modeling self preservation behavior? Maybe that is good.



Thank you

Fletcher - is your daughter already home? How's it been? "self preservation"? Absolutely, if you don't you'll be visiting Drs. - if you aren't already. Hang in there. I am really interested in how your daughter adjusts to your home under these circumstances. I think Kelly's 'guidelines' were good. I am sure as the weeks progress things will come up you will have to address. Your description reminded me so much of my daughter....authority issues, etc.

Fletcher this is just an idea, but while both of you heal, perhaps you could look into sober living facilities, where she would be on her own, with strict rules of sobriety and among more peers than family. It worked for my son. They have all kinds of them. Cost my son 250. to get in and from there he got a job, had to pay me back, and stayed there for 7 months, then moved to a less strict sober living facility, where the only rule was sobriety. I never could have taken Mike back here after rehab, never. It would not have worked, I was not and am not the person to help him, or the person to lay down the laws. It helps if it is someone who knows or is an addict, it helps them to bond, to listen cause that person has already been there.
This is an idea, that I give to you, cause in my heart of hearts as much as I loved my son, I could not in any way help him at all.
A consideration?
Love annie

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Anne

Thank you Annie - We have considered sober living - but she is sooo opposed to it. Says everyone she knows who has lived in ones locally have had to deal with people sneaking in drugs etc. And, anyway, things always are smoother when SHE chooses it - I am hoping she will choose sober living at the very minimum at some point. In the meantime - I am have my heart set on recovery home - she needs so much 'stuff' that they offer that she just wouldn't get in a simple sober living environment. I really think the mandated regular counseling will help her get to the root of why she is so addictive. She is such a fun kind intelligent kid - it is time for her to flourish.

Glynntoo - yes, she is home. didn't complete program. Hopefully will choose to return and complete it. She is doing well with sobriety in general, but needs general living skills and emotional stuff.

I am well also - tired but trying to stay focused on assisting her without enabling - hard line to draw when they are at home in the old "i take care of you" environment.

Glynntoo - yes, she is home. didn't complete program. Hopefully will choose to return and complete it. She is doing well with sobriety in general, but needs general living skills and emotional stuff.

Yup Fletcher that is exactly what she needs. Mike got out of rehab early. It was awful that I took him back here and I suffered the consequences of not being an addict counselor and also being a mom he could turn to for support. She needs to stand on her own, and no you cannot support her, and the problem with being a loved one is that she knows all your buttons when her addict thinking bounces back into play when some stressor occurs.
I would at least call some places, a place for all women, a place that is good and structured, they are all different. In a good sober house there will be no one going out for drugs or they will be immediately kicked out.
Her mind does not want to do it, that is a sign that it would be a a good thing for her to do. I do not want you to get in over your head. I tried it your way, many times actually, and it did not work.
Just make some calls, see what sort of places they have around there or even not around there. Get lists together, numbers to gether, talk to people who are in there, they will be able to tell you which houses are half way 3/4, strict or not so much. Just do it, then present her with it. It is worth giving it your all before quitting on her account.
For a long time she will not know what she wants, after all what she has wanted for so long has damaged her thinking. It takes awhile for the brain to heal. Awhile for her to grow up, and it just cannot be that she grows up with mom.
I am not NOT trying to discourage you from this, but rather saying check out all options, on your own, when she is not there and THEN offer them up to her after you did your homework. Mike never could have done the work it took to find the great sober living house that I found for him, he was lost without his drugs. I had to find it, make him call, and turn him over to them. And you know the very first thing they told me was no contact for a month with me. Then on weekends I got supervised visits with another addict in tow, and finally we got real visits. In that time he grew up and I was still living in chaos, in fact he got better before I did. Soon enough he was telling me to get help. He grew up at some point in there.
I wish you well what ever you choose, but it can never hurt to do the research and present her with options. Just an idea.
But till then make sure she gets to those meetings. And by the way, when I dropped Mike off at meetings and picked him up all was well, but one night I let him go with a "friend" and this friend he had met at a meeting got him to go out and use. You have to be so careful and it is so taxing on YOU!
Anyway check out some places, do not let her tell you how she is going to do detox and recovery, cause truthfully she has no clue how to do either or she would not be where she is now???? Just a thought.
Love annie
And all words spoken with the greatest respect for you and for your daughter for getting this far!

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Anne