teddyb

Hey all! Thanks for the kind words and wishes regarding my accident. I was released from the hospital last Thursday and despite a couple rough days adjusting at home, I am beginning to feel better. Ive been thinking how very odd it must have seemed (egotistical even) that I posted my accident here at ODR. I didnt mean it that way. See there was more going on at the time, but once the accident happened I just let that take front stage and left the other - in some ways more painful- issue take a back seat. The night before the accident I received a text message from a good friend of our daughters telling me that she was back on methadone maintenance and had been for about a month. It was a stunning blow to me and my husband. We were so proud of her sobriety that sometimes Im sure I thought it was my own possession when it was really hers. Hers to have and hers to keep going or lose. She had been doing very well in a lot of ways, but something got her thinking about using again. She says she did not use heroin or any other drug, but on an impulse with the urges to use coming on strong, she just walked into a MMT clinic in the city and signed up! She said she knew within a few days it was a terrible mistake, but now was trapped and felt she couldnt go CT without a lot of sickness and just couldnt miss work to deal with the withdrawls. Im sure there was a lot of rationalizing there, but the truth is she is on mmt. She asked them to drop her 10 units in a few days which she said put her at 30 units. Then she had them drop her down every week. If that is all true she is somewhere at 10-13 units now. I felt so terrible about it, I couldnt say anything to anyone at first. It crushed me at first, then it humbled me- I, too had forgotten what a beast addiction is and had become complacent. I knew she wasnt going to meetings and didnt have a sponsor. I just thought if she was working every day and paying her bills, she must be ok. So now she begins the work of getting off methadone, to which she says she is committed. She has a good counselor and says she wants to go to meetings and get a sponsor, but having just moved, she hadnt yet found where the meetings were. Parents out there know that the pain of the broken leg just doesnt hold a candle to the pain of her not being sober. But I know my limitations and I know this is her ball game, all the way. People have said that relapse is part of recovery and sometimes I can agree with that, but sometimes I wonder if its not a cop out - like an entitlement to relapse. I dont know which is true, but I didnt want to be false with you all who have been such true supportive friends to me. Thanks for listening, hugs to you all!

glynn

Teddy - I've been so worried about your broken leg. And, as you said - it just doesn't hold a candle to the other pain you're feeling. I'm so sorry. You know I have no answers, just questions about everything. I want you to know your posts of encouragement have meant the world to me. I've also worried about the "relapse being part of the recovery" - I know there was another thread recently in which the mom was very concerned about that. I hope it's not an entitlement. There's so much to lose. You and your family are in my prayers.

peacenik

Teddy,
I've got to run, but I want to wish you and Kristen well. Relapse, I think, is sometimes a part of finding recovery. I really believe that the obsession to use lasts a short time, if you can get past that, then you're dealing with acceptance. Understanding that you're just going to live each day and not use - no matter how you feel.

In time, you come out the other side, but you've got to stand firm and ask for help. Months 2-12 are in many ways harder than the first two.

give my best to Kristen and let her know I care and it's OK, I know what it's like.

Dave

PS I hope you're feeling better too

teddyb

Thanks Glynn and Dave, I appreciate your replies. I have good days and bad days- like anyone in recovery I have passed your thoughts on to Kris and I think she is headed in a good direction, we just never saw it coming. Real stupid of us, just like the first OD we never saw coming. True, no OD now, but back into mmt. Her job means so much to her I feel sure she will get down and out. She's remembering the way methadone puts handcuffs on you- as she hasnt been able to come and see me since I had my accident- she's on daily pick ups, no takehomes except on Sat. for Sunday and she works a lot of weekends, so she is stuck. Thanks Glynn for sending some kind thoughts my way. My husband has been taking great care of me and our younger daughter has been able to come home and help a bit, too. Im just pretty imobile right now. The longest walk Ive taken is to the bathroom [(#)]- thats achievement!! I havent stopped thinking of you all and cherish each bit of time I have had to learn from you all. If Ive been able to give anything back,its just a drop in the bucket of what was given to me and Im glad to do it! Take care

kunzite52

what is wrong with me, all this time I thought you were a male teddy bear!
[:0]
I am sorry about your daughter's friend's choice. I know how you feel, my son has been on the program for over a year now, and though he follows the rules and does not cheat, it is still not good for him/his liver/his life/his wife. I hope you can get to her before too long on the stuff. Now my son is petrified to come off of it. I know he is, although he ducks that pretty well.

How are you doing now after the accident? I hope you are healing.
A good day to you!
WOMAN![88]
annie[xo]

Anne

teddyb

well, Annie dont worry. Its part of the problem when you communicate online. I know I form mental images of people,too that I am sure dont match what they really look like! Im ok with the fact kristin's friend decided to 'out' her methadone use. He let me down several years ago when she was in much bigger, darker trouble and I really havent forgiven him fully for it. I think he may have felt the weight of that on him when he texted me. Im sure he thought he was doing the right think. I know your son is on mmt and believe me, to some extent, I understand. A lot of times I felt that without kristin turning to mmt to begin with, she would have had too much fear to get away from heroin. But that stuff hates her and really sucks the life out of her body, so its important for her independent life that she finds a way to get off of it. She cant lose her job, we have no money to support her ever again (nor would we support a full relapse into heroin or other substances). She had other tools she could have used and not gone this way (into mmt). She just failed to detect the relapse coming and use the tools properly. Im ok with her working her way back to being completely clean, but it really was a lot to deal with all within a day of my accident. Ive never suffered any type of serious accident and this was so minor a fall and so major a break that it boggles my mind some day. Maybe its better for her in a lot of ways. I have absolutely no energy to even attemp to micromanage her way back to sobriety. Its on her head succeed or fail. I know she is strong enough to do it and hope she will. Kristin was petrified of going off methadone, too. But River Source in Phoenix was great and really helped her all the way, through the worst of the panic to the other side. I always keep your son in my thoughts and hope one day he will be completely free as well. Thanks for asking about me. Im doing ok- learning my limitations, learning that my lifestyle has to dramatically change for the next 3-4 months. In a way, learning about addiction and recovery has given me some perspective on this accepting that life has to be different, accepting that I cant control everything, remembering healing takes time and isnt a straight line up- but a line that goes up and down and eventually you get more ups than downs (I hope!!!) Its funny, in the hospital they offered me morphine, for it was a very bad batch of breaks and I was reluctant to use it "evil opiate" I thought. But I had to relent eventually and use some of the stuff. It had its place in that setting and it wasnt long before I could do without it. Life is a ridiculously funny circle sometimes- eh??? anyway. thanks again annie- take care of you! hugs

kunzite52

Yeah I hear you loud and clear. And you got it right about the healing thing, it is sort of a circle, I am always amazed at how many times life repeats itself before my very eyes. Even numbers will reappear over and over as if our lives have some cosmic purpose that eludes us. People generally argue with me about the meant to be thing. They do not get it. They cannot understand how we are meant to experience pain or sadness, yet without either there is no true joy either.

I have heard of River Source, I often dream of sending Mike away to a place like that, but then that is me pushing my way into his life, and I cannot do that. He is 30 after all.

Thank you for your prayers, believe me every prayer counts. I am a walking miracle honestly, and do not think I would be here if not for so many prayers, Mike either. And you will be in mine.

And I guess it might be time to give myself an avatar, so you can see my dog and your dog are of the same caliber, mine is a golden lab, huge 97 pounds of him. I bet your dog is a love, I love his/her picture (see I cannot even tell gender with a picture[:u]). Just returned from 3 hours in the woods, walked home in the dark. Luckily had a few friends out there with me as I brought no light, only my dog and inner peace.
Love annie[xo]

Anne

teddyb

Loving your dog-talk Annie. My boy is Teddy. Hes a golden/great pyrennes (sp?) mix, about the same weight as yours. A hunk of burning love- all smiles and gentility. When I was able to walk, going out in our woods with him was a great joy to me. You enjoy for me, OK?

kunzite52

I will walk for you, you heal for me.
Love annie
GORGEOUS, I mean gorgeous mix of a dog. Oh he would so love my dog.

Anne

krish

Teddyb..

I don't know why I didn't read this almost 8 weeks ago! I asked how you and your daughter were somewhere else on here today...

First how is your leg? Are you taking care of yourself? Because I do a lot energy work.. it really interested me how the 2 incidents co-occurred. Legs keep us walking, if something happens and we can't walk..we can't keep moving.. and energetically..the way I look at it is you are being physically stopped and your sentence where you said.. you felt it was your own possession and it's really hers..you are being reminded of this right now. If this had not happened to you..you might have jumped in where it could have changed the course of your relationship with your daughter. I probably sound stupid...or it doesn't make any sense.. but everything happens for a reason..the universe provides for us...and maybe it provided you a reminder you need to take care of yourself.

I am so with you on the fact she didn't prepare herself for a relapse and use the tools she knew would help. Again, that saying..you can lead a horse to water..but you can't make them drink. It's all there to help our children...but they have to reach out for it..we can't do it for them.

It is funny about the online stuff...I knew you were a Mom/female...and I believe you are full of good information that I cling to your words and hope and pray to sound like you in time.. and here you are hurting I didn't even know! I feel bad! I am sorry! I also feel bad you are going thru this..and keep posting to me.. 1. because I need your wisdom and 2. maybe it will help you, by reminding me! I am also glad to your know daughters name.. I don't know why..makes it more personal to me or something.. I will pray for both of you..

And I am here for you!
K

teddyb

Krish, you are so sweet! I was so overwhelmed when I originally posted because my daughter,Kristin, had just told me the night before I got hurt that she was back on methadone maintenance. She actually felt like in some way she had caused my accident, which of course I know was not the case. But you are dead on! It made me see my limitations in a very tangible (and painful) way. It was much easier for me to say, "Hey, Ive got my hands full and so does your Dad. You take care of this." She knows how terribly disappointed we are in that decision and how much we want her to get off of methadone. But ive even quit asking anything about it. I told her, "Dont tell me when you are gonna go down in dose. Tell me when you have." I hope my leg is healing. I have ortho appointment this Tuesday and am hoping for good news. I have these 7 titanium pins going into my leg from an external cagelike device since they couldnt use a standard cast on it or a plate and internal pins. No, when I do something, I do it all the way!! When doc originally did the surgery at the end of october, he said 3-4 months. That means I must be at least 1/2 way through. I have graduated from a walker to a cane - yes I can walk on this silly thing! I have no pain. Just a lot of pent up energy that gets me half way through the day and then I crash. Im in a strange place right now, but I know you can get to a better place. Responding online to anyone who needs it is one way I feel like I can still contribute and be productive. So thanks for asking and thanks for listening and being there for me!! Hugs PS. I changed my profile pic so you can see a bit of what I have following me around...

krish

WOW.. that picture hurts just looking at it!!! I wanted to put a picture up.. but all mine are over 1 megabit.. and I don't know how to change it..do you?

I am really glad you have no pain.. because it sure looks painful!!! I will be praying for you and your appointment on Tuesday...And I am glad you have more time to be here with us!

I am like you... 3 plates and 9 screws in my ankle.. when I do it.. I do it big time.. basically my foot wasn't attached... and until they create the perfect fake ankle.. I am leaving well enough alone..

I think your daughter will be good.. she has been down this road..and I am sure she doesn't want to go all the way back.. so she is doing what she needs to do now to get thru this bump in the road...and you KNOW she can do this... even if it's not exactly what you thought would happen at this time in her recovery..

As for being a strange place right now... I am right there with ya! you are not alone!
K

glynn

Krish - you could download VSO Image Resizer - it's free - I use it all the time for work and children's pics.
Teddy - ohmygosh, that is one serious looking contraption....I sure hope you're doing better. I understand your feelings about the MMT. I really don't understand it. I know there are two philosophies about it. Haley's boyfriend appears to be on a treatment plan in which they already know when they will taper him off - my daughter appears to be on long term...(although I do not know for sure).

krish

Thanks Glynn.. I think I did it?? And, if it works.. it was pretty easy.. I am not great with programs and stuff...

krish

well it worked.. but the pic isn't great.. oh well.. I just thought if ppl saw her.. there would more prayers..