krish

Oh good, so it like all things are go on the leg! Such a relief! When I mangled my ankle, I broke the cartilage, and from what they have told me, that does not heal itself.. and its not something you can replace. I would have an easier time of, if that had not been effected too.

I am so glad to hear about the AA meeting. Like you told me, things like . are chipping away... and maybe it will "click" and she remembers the light and how wonderful she felt when she was totally c/s.

I personally feel like I don't want my emotions to go way up when there is good news and way down when things starting turning the other way... it's so hard! I am working on it... I feel like I am connected to her triumps and her struggles. I think when I can get that down pat... I will be in a good place. But not sure that will ever happen. Everyone says praise the good, ignore the bad or don't focus on it... but it's different "bads".. not the "normal".. so that's hard for me to do.

I am really excited for the progess in your leg! Keep us posted!
Hugs
K

teddyb

Hey all you moms and family members. Ive been reading, but wasnt ready to post yet. I feel like Im coming to some new sort of conclusion, but not sure I can put my finger on it yet. My surgery to remove this device is Wednesday- just in time for the next snow storm to hit us! My husband has vowed to get me there no matter how bad it is, so I will trust him. Our daughter has gone to some more AA meetings and is continuing counseling. She and I had a talk Saturday about how I resented phone calls lately- because they are like weather reports. They 'tell' me if I can be happy or sad, nervous or relaxed. That sure isnt 'detached' and it isnt healthy for me or my daughter. She knows my peace of mind tips on her 'situation' and its a lot of pressure on her, too. She once again encouraged me to go to Alanon, which I havent done. After thinking about it all day Saturday, I decided I would go once I can walk again. There must be something else I need to learn. I know that Anne has been trying to direct me to something else and I need to keep listening and thinking. I havent been asking about her reducing her methadone- as much as I wanted to do it, but I was still locked in step with her successes and failures- big and small. There must be another step to detachment that I need to find. How do you love them, but disconnect from their ups an downs? I really dont like being part of that drama, but always find myself pulled into it. I often feel like Im her only lifeline and if I let go of the rope she will be lost. what happens when you let go? I know I want my life to be about me and my husband. We've worked hard for what we have and deserve to relax and have some peace, but can you really experience that peace if your daughter isnt safe? All about me, so sorry. I know that you, Krish and Glynntoo and so many others are in very painful places right now. I'd wear this metal for another year if it meant I could bring peace to our kids lives and give us some peace of mind, I really would. But no sacrifice on our part seems to have any impact on their success. It lies solely in their hands for good or for bad. Hugs to you all. Hang in there through this next snow storm!

kunzite52

Our daughter has gone to some more AA meetings and is continuing counseling. She and I had a talk Saturday about how I resented phone calls lately- because they are like weather reports. They 'tell' me if I can be happy or sad, nervous or relaxed. That sure isnt 'detached' and it isnt healthy for me or my daughter. She knows my peace of mind tips on her 'situation' and its a lot of pressure on her, too. She once again encouraged me to go to Alanon, which I havent done. After thinking about it all day Saturday, I decided I would go once I can walk again. There must be something else I need to learn. I know that Anne has been trying to direct me to something else and I need to keep listening and thinking. I havent been asking about her reducing her methadone-

Now that is some awesome news about the AA meetings. And see she shares that with you cause it is positive to her and she likes to feel she is not making your life miserable. And good plan about ALANON, and know this, without the daily support of the guy who ran that sober living facility I would be locked in attachment. And yes those phone calls from Mike used to send me to such a bad place, like heart palpitations and all!

As for loving her with detachment, well what happens eventually is you develop an adult relationship with your daughter, and it is a wonderful thing. Instead of her asking for help, and making you as desperate as she is, she grows up and calls you with her good news. And you get happy for her, and very slowly that anxiety over the phone calls will go away. I say slowly cause it took me years to get that part. And as for you not asking about the methadone and not being involved in it, that is detachment Teddy. That is exactly what I meant. And here you are doing it.

You know my friend was saying how sad she was that her daughter was going away to college and how hard it is for her to deal with this. So when our kids go away due to drugs, yes we still feel that empty nest syndrome, yet they continue to pull at us for this "help" they need. And they suck us into their problems and make us crazy and in some ways remain a child! It is always hard to deal with them growing up, but in the case of an addict it is even harder to let go. Mainly cause they do not let go of us, they suck us into their drama! So empty nest was one thing that I dealt with in great detail in counseling.

Then when it HIT me that when I was upset it only pushed Mike to use more or to lock me out more, I realized that I could not be a part of it. That I had to walk away from his pleading and screaming. That I could actually get in the car and drive off. And after a few times of doing this, I was driving off and not even crying over it. I refuse(d) to take on his problems, I choose to develop an adult relationship with him. He loves this, he now calls me and comes over and I can visit him. Non of that pulling occurs as I stay out of his methadone issues totally. He is so happy when I am happy and doing things for myself. He is so proud of me hanging my photographs in an exhibit. He is so proud of me for hiking every day with COPD, and pushing myself. This makes him happy. And it makes me happy, funny how that works.

Yes there is so much pressure on the kids. So much, I am sure Mike wrestles with the methadone thing on a daily basis, just not with me, with himself. And who will really decide if he is to taper, certainly not me. And it is good you recognize the pressure they are under. That is a good thing. It is also a good thing that you choose to take care of you. Especially in light of the fact that you are currently HEALING and that mandates a good frame of mind on your part. Healing works well if you work at it, stick with it, use everything available to you, pray about it, keep your mind focused on I WILL HEAL. You have come so far since the break. Funny the break...kind of a metaphor of sorts!

So Teddy hang tough, heal well, and keep up what you are doing. I ordered that book and it has not come yet! Darn I am upset, need to find the tracking number etc. Not to worry about what you are "missing" as that will come as you progress in your own healing. And as you progress on developing that adult relationship with your child.

I am proud of you. Try not to think so much about what you are missing, but more about what you are getting. Always be grateful. I have a nephew who always sees things from what went wrong, what he does not have, what he will never get, what people around him do to him. He is so focused on the negative that he has literally become a negative person. I beg him when I see him to be grateful for what he does have. To see a situation as well that happened but it could have been a lot worse. Attitude of gratitude as one person used to say all the time on here. It works Teddy. Honestly, when I was walking yesterday with my friends and our dogs in the woods, none of us could stop laughing. That happiness goes with that attitude of gratitude. Laughing is what I want for you, lots of it. And an adult relationship with your child. As I wrote in my poem,
"my child, my boy, my man, my son" They will always be your child, but they grow up and eventually become adults but still they are your daughter/son. And that is what you are shooting for right!

So good luck this week, prayers are with you. HEAL well.
Love annie

__________________
Anne

krish

Teddy-
First, I am so glad Wed. is so close for you! It's been a long haul! We are suppose to start getting more snow around 5am , like another 8 inches they are saying... I have a meeting at 3pm tomorrow, 45 miles away... I can easily cancel it... but you can't! Maybe get a hotel next to the hosp.. this is way to important to miss it cause of snow!

I think you are on the right path... something more to learn, or something you feel is missing with detachment. I can't tell you if Alanon will work or not.. because it's not something I do... and I just don't feel like taking my precious time and driving out of the city to find some meeting that I might relate to.. more.. compared to the ones around here. I am just not there yet.. so I look forward to hearing about you feel about it.

I am however, listening to Dr. Wayne Dryer in my car on CD. It's back to the basics.. you are your thoughts. So if you think or worry about methadone, you will attract it. If you think you are in this situation to learn and find a lesson.. you will attract it. He goes on to talk about how people, family memebers can throw us off balance.. because we allow it. If you can get to the point to be one with ourselves, we can be throw off balance a lot less.

The example he gives is to think of our one worst thought: Mine being, I hope my daughter can get off drugs , is this really "it" for her and work to her potential... what if we didn't have that thought? It wasn't there... what could we really do.. what could we really acttract?..if that one thought wasn't there...

I understand being still locked in with their failures and sucesses.. how can you not be? I think when someone finds the answer to that... we all be better off. I think it's true of my son as well.. when he is hurting, I hurt.. when he is doing great and proud of himself.. I am too... motherhood, parenthood... that's what it is. It's hard to say, I am sorry you are hurting, but you have to find out of it. I can't really say that.. I can't be that detached. Not sure I want to be. It's really hard to find that balance and share in their successes and igonor the hurt.

Teddy-- I wish you only the best and health and healing... I am right there with ya!
Love
Kelly

teddyb

Dear Ladies, thank you for your words. Annie- wow, what you have said has really hit me. My fear about me being my daughters lifeline and me letting go and then...? Maybe I have to believe that she can be her own lifeline. Maybe I am blocking her ability to do that in some way. Whenever I give unsolicitated advice, I know I rob her of her own power. I make my opinion have more weight and negate her chance to even form one. Its kind of scarey to let go of that, but maybe thats what I have to do even so. So many years of her life being out of control and most of what we did was exerting OUR control over her life. This is a very scarey step for me, but Ive been thinking about it more and more. By taking each and every phone call and going up and down in the drama, Im locked in a kind of dance with her and I think its a dance that neither of us wants. She doesnt want to scare me or worry me, but when I read into each inflection of her voice, or tear apart each word, I find things to be scared of. Im really tired of fear running my life. Fear is such a horrible tyrant. It yanks me around and I go like a obedient puppy. I think you are saying the same thing, Kelly. What if my fears werent there, what if I made myself 'unavailable' to my fearful thoughts? I sincerely believe my kids successes are their own, but I confess to guilty pleasure over them- as if I made it happen. It belongs to them, as do their failures. Still not sure how to move on this, but awareness is an important step towards action. I will have lots of time to think in the next few days. Maybe the way to the next step will become more clear. Love you guys!

glynntoo

Teddy - I am so envious of the fact your daughter WILL talk to you. Our daughter cannot even say the words. She is so humiliated - yes, she is also scared she will worry or scare me - and her way of handling that - hide. And, I need to learn their failures belong to them, too - I so have trouble with that. I'm starting therapy again. Going 2times a week for awhile. Wish me luck.

krish

Teddy,

I marked something I read last night and it applies here:

I find things to be scared of. Im really tired of fear running my life. Fear is such a horrible tyrant.

The woman writing the book says her counselor said "Control is flip side of fear"
She goes on to say she did some crazy things in an effort to control her daughters addiction and save her from herself.
Towards the end of the chapter she says: What such families tend to forget is that they do not have to wait until their addict has found recovery before they can begin to enjoy life again. They can being to have pleasure, happiness, laughter ..no matter what their addict is doing.

Glynn- I love therapy...lol... I learn so much and love having someone to myself who I can be completely honest with... I hope you get a lot of out it!.. and that it helps and you feel better as you go thru this process.

Hugs
K

glynntoo

Kelly - I thought YOU moms were my team of therapists.....

krish

LOL glynn!.. yea.. I can save you some money and you can save me some money!

teddyb

I know we end up being some good therapy for each other and Im so glad. I understand your envy. The flip side of that is that there are things she told me (or I saw) that I wish I hadnt heard. A price to pay either way. Im glad you are going to therapy, I may try it myself (again) once I know whats up with the leg. Kelly you are right about being honest- how good it feels! Nothing like having an objective third party to give you some relief along with some perspective. Love what you wrote, Kelly!! Control is sure what I have been trying to do, even as I thought I was detaching. I either relapsed myself, or didnt complete the process, or both. all I know is that I am tired and sick and tired of being tired and you all understand what Im talking about. In an earlier post Anne was talking about having adult conversations with her son- thats something I long for, too. I know during her recovery we had them and some great fun, too. But everything now centers around her methadone use, her health, her mood. I have a tremendous fear of heights, but I am at a place where I am walking right up to the edge and about to step off (metaphorically speaking) and let go. I just hope there will be something there to catch me. Talk about a leap of faith, eh? Its one thing we all try to hold onto, isnt it? Hugs to you all!

krish

I too am glad we all have each other.. and for me it's a great option when my friends are busy.. I don't have a therapy appt, I don't have time to phone a friend..so THANKS!

I have been thru being in constant contact with Emily and not hearing from her for weeks. Neither is ever calm and peaceful. I do better with no contact when I know she is safe, like now. When I don't know what's going on and no contact... I tend to worry more. And talking to her all the times, sees to make my upset with the drama. So I don't there's a magic solution.

The Adult conversation with our addicts is something I JUST wrote to Emily. In m letter to her.. I explained she is an adult.. she was dying to be an adult and now it's time make those adult decisions and have those adult conversations. I told her I look forward to it. To me, adult means some amount of maturity.. and I am not sure her maturity level is close to adulthood. ?

Teddy- When you take that leap.. I will be here for you.. We will be here for ya. Trust the process.
Hugs
K

teddyb

Dear friends, my surgery is set for tomorrow at 1:15 pm. We did not get as much snow here as was originally forcast- only about 4 inches, but now the blowing begins. I guess will outpatient surgery after noon, there will be plenty of time to have roads cleared. Hugs to you all.

krish

GOOD LUCK! Will be thinking of you..
So they are going make you fast til 1:15? That's a bummer!

I am glad the roads are clear and you can get there and there is no delay.

Please let us know when you can that everything went ok..
Thinking and praying for you..
Hugs
K

teddyb

yep, I wonder if I should wake up at 11:30 tonite and eat???? Cant eat or drink anything till after the surgery. Keep you posted as soon as I can!

kunzite52

Well that was always my plan. Ate some cereal, something in my belly before the starvation was to start. And praying for you pretty woman!
Love and peace and healing to you,
annie

__________________
Anne