Hey all, I have navigated to this new site finally! It took two tried on almost all the directions, but I finally did it. Hope you are around and will join me soon.

I am here Teddy and so glad you are! Hope that leg is still healing and you are in good spirits!

I didn't sleep last night and ended up getting up at 6am and still in my jammies, been working thou.

I talked to a friend of mine today for a long time. I met her at Emily's Rehab in the summer at Glenbeigh. Her daughter is older.. and living with them and thank god still sober and she is the only one still sober out of their group. Pretty scary thought. She is going thru much of the same as I , so it was good to have a heart to heart with her. Her husband is co-dependent with his daughter and actually asked her to move out over the the daughter. It's crazy how this tears families apart. She is going to alanon and learning so much. She is in such a different place than when I first met her. It's amazing how she is doing and I am so happy for her.

How are you doing? Have you heard from Kirsten?
Hugs
Kelly

Hey Kelly, so glad you are here, too. I read the post on your thread and thought you had really done a great job in your reaction (non reaction??) to Emilys current crisis. If she has a blood infection, they will treat her with antibiotics. I doubt they would have let her out of the hospital if they thought it was serious. Im not surprised at her looking at the house across the street and wanting to go there. Addicts dont like to be uncomfortable and hate to give up control of their environment, which she must do where she is currently at. Until they surrender to their recovery and achieve humility in needing help, they will be convinced that they can handle their lives- as if the evidence so far completely didnt negate that fact!! Glad you reconnected with the friend and that her daughter is still in recovery. I have no doubt that she has moved to a different place, but dont forget-- you have, too. True that Emily hasnt achieved long term sobriety and actively sought her recovery yet, but the way you are dealing is very, very different and very healthy, I think. Yes, I hear from Kristin almost every day. I did ask her to limit calls to once a day and that has helped me, a lot. I seem to need every bit of energy to just make it through the day lately and Im not sleeping well at night. At least I have the luxury of not having to go off to work, so I can recovery from that. Last week I thought we might have had a big breakthrough, but maybe it was wishful thinking. She began posting here on the methadone detox forum which I am very happy about. We agreed to stay away from each others forums and Im proud to say though Ive been tempted, I have not read her postings. That is her land, this is mine. I offered to even get off the site for a while, but she thought if we just stayed separate, it would be ok. So far, so good. She also called her contact from the last rehab and I was so glad. That contact told her to get off the methadone and seek additional support. They also agreed that if Kristin called her 2 times a week, they would keep trying to help her. I thought that would really get the ball rolling, but she still is in a holding pattern. She knows she needs to get off the methadone, but doesnt feel the 'want' part yet. I think she would really like to go back to that rehab, but as reasonable as it was, the prices have risen and there is no way we can afford it. More than that, we told her the last time we paid was the LAST TIME WE WOULD PAY, so we are sticking by it. She also talks about rapid detox, or a week long detox program, but the issue will still be the money. She went back to methadone without our help she should get off it the same way. Right now, she wants out only if its an easy, fast out - which is typical addict thinking... She is such a great young woman and I really long to have her back- whole and bright as I saw before, but Ill have to sit with it for now. I can only hope there is enough of that bright, vibrant young woman left who can begin yelling, "LET ME OUT!". If you would like to read her thread on the methadone forum, her username is kristin51981, I believe. Feel free to comment on any of the old posts- from her first stint on methadone to her recovery in August 2008 through fall 2008. But I would ask that you not share anything new she is posting. I am so glad that you caught that comment from your son about "immediate family". Ive spent a lot of time with teenagers and I know that when they experience deep hurt, they can really do a great job of building walls around them- for their own protection. Our younger daughter was very traumatized by her older sisters drug use, od's, and rehabs. We offered and encouraged her many times to see counseling, etc... but she never did till much, much later. She still has lots of walls up between her and her sister. She is very upset about her returning to methadone and our Christmas 'together' proved that. I dont know if they can ever normalize their relationship, though I hope it will improve. I know it will only happen when both of them want it, so I try to stay out of it. Well, anyway, time for me to do some busywork. Thinking of you as always, hugs

Im not surprised at her looking at the house across the street and wanting to go there. Addicts dont like to be uncomfortable and hate to give up control of their environment, which she must do where she is currently at

I know... and I FINALLY get.. I can't make her "get it". She's always thinking of the next steps.. to benefit her.. like this house she has heard about.. my guess is, it has internet, phone access, people can visit, etc.. I have say too many times, live for the moment you are in right now and the rest will fall in place.. so now I am not wasting my breath..she has to figure it out.

True that Emily hasnt achieved long term sobriety and actively sought her recovery yet, but the way you are dealing is very, very different and very healthy, I think

I hope so, I probably shouldn't second guess myself.. bad habit.. but that you notice makes me feel valued or of value.. that I am still working and the results might be paying off? no?.. there's that 2nd guessing!

did ask her to limit calls to once a day and that has helped me, a lot. I seem to need every bit of energy to just make it through the day lately and Im not sleeping well at night. At least I have the luxury of not having to go off to work, so I can recovery from that. Last week I thought we might have had a big breakthrough, but maybe it was wishful thinking. She began posting here on the methadone detox forum which I am very happy about. We agreed to stay away from each others forums and Im proud to say though Ive been tempted, I have not read her postings. That is her land, this is mine

That's great! I know I would be so tempted! I am not sure I could do what you are doing... but you gotta trust yourself and her.. and I am glad she didn't want you to leave for awhile.. because I need you! Selfish huh?
I will be honest, I saw her thread.. I don't know about methodone..so I am not qualified to comment.. and I wouldn't anyways.. because I agree with you two... it's seperate issues and should be kept apart for now anyway. I am glad she is here thou, I think it's a great place and she deserves to learn and grow here as well. She will get the feedback she needs to help her thru.
I think of you as so strong.. and I am sure I have not thought about the devistation you are feeling. I just think she has come so far and such a cool Mom.. it's all gonna work out. But from your post, I see you are still working.. working on setting boundaries, sharing space on public forum, how to tread waters with your feelings, etc.. it can't be easy. At least you are recognizing the addict thought process now.. want it now and fast with no work involved... I sure hope my husband agrees this is the last one we are paying for too. There is ACT/SAT class for Juniors.. it's 150.00, he said we have to budget for that for my son... ohhh I was mad! Budget for that??? Look at all the up front money we have paid for her... and you are making a big deal of 150.00 for our son to get to college?? I don't see this at all.. struggling with it.


Again, I am glad you shared about your daughters relationships.. there is hope.. I keep thinking that.. he just has to mature about this issue.. and then reach out for help. Stuffing those feelings is not good.. I told him this... I told him I don't want him going crazy in college, because he has every reason to, I don't want him going postal someday.. His solution was to join the Marines and go over seas and take it out there.. I said NO..but I will offer you a therapist, Alanon, Alateen, family group at rehab.

I wish for you to see the bright vibrant daughter you know and love!
Hugs
Kelly

Until they surrender to their recovery and achieve humility in needing help, they will be convinced that they can handle their lives- as if the evidence so far completely didnt negate that fact!! Glad you reconnected with the friend and that her daughter is still in recovery. I have no doubt that she has moved to a different place, but dont forget-- you have, too. True that Emily hasnt achieved long term sobriety and actively sought her recovery yet, but the way you are dealing is very, very different and very healthy, I think. Yes, I hear from Kristin almost every day. I did ask her to limit calls to once a day and that has helped me, a lot. I seem to need every bit of energy to just make it through the day lately and Im not sleeping well at night. At least I have the luxury of not having to go off to work, so I can recovery from that. Last week I thought we might have had a big breakthrough, but maybe it was wishful thinking. She began posting here on the methadone detox forum which I am very happy about. We agreed to stay away from each others forums and Im proud to say though Ive been tempted, I have not read her postings. That is her land, this is mine. I offered to even get off the site for a while, but she thought if we just stayed separate, it would be ok. So far, so good. She also called her contact from the last rehab and I was so glad. That contact told her to get off the methadone and seek additional support. They also agreed that if Kristin called her 2 times a week, they would keep trying to help her. I thought that would really get the ball rolling, but she still is in a holding pattern. She knows she needs to get off the methadone, but doesnt feel the 'want' part yet.

Wow good post, and good she is on here, and great you are able to achieve healing separately. You will see from my most recent post on my thread that I have given over Mike's healing to him, I have to, it is how I survive. But even more than that, if you get a chance read what I wrote, it does not help him for me to concern myself with his recovery.

One thing about MMT is that the patient CAN and DOES have the ability to choose to taper/detox/get counseling/get acupuncture for cravings/get referred out to a doctor or additional counseling. This side of MMT is not often spoken of that I know of. But since my daughter in law began taking full use of their services as she detoxes/tapers, I realized, WOW they offer a lot. Thing is, and this goes without saying, they have to choose that. Now even my son did not want to taper, and has now decided he will. I do not know when or how much or anything. I did suggest to Karen that he put in for a blind taper as he is really good at "feeling" the cravings (even predicting them)! Karen also opted for the blind taper. She knows she is somewhere now below 65 mg., but she does not keep track, and continues downward, with use of the gym and all programs offered up there.

So good news is if she chooses then she can do it right there at the MMT clinic. I did find that you either have a "good" counselor or one who just dishes out the drugs. Unfortunately, Mike has the latter and will have to push to get his taper going. Oh well, perhaps he needs that too.

I can see exactly why you would limit her calls to once a day. I remember at first when Mike was in sober living, I went through withdrawal from his chaos (no other word for it). I mean I was so messed up Teddy! But the sober living facilities were quite specific about calls to family members as well as visits. I got to talk to him once a week, see him every two weeks or so and in the company of another addict. It was good for him, it was good for me too. That rule saved me. It pushed me out of his addiction, literally.

So for you to do this, for YOU to limit the calls, is very good. Because Teddy I could not have done that back then.

I hope that her contact helps her get in touch with that person that wants recovery, that person inside of her, that is IS there too. It always helps to have a buddy in recovery, from what I see and have seen, it works.

Many times in detox, Mike would sit up all night with the newcomers and talk them through the tough stuff. Well since he was not sleeping it was a good thing for him to do anyway, reinforcement of recovery for himself through helping others. He also tended to be the one in sober living that kept getting the "new" roommates, right out of detox/jail/rehab/the streets. I KNOW those nightly conversations with these people helped him so much, and many are still friends with him, NO MOST are still friends with him. In this world of addiction I found that addicts do keep track of other addicts. In their own way, they work together. It is nothing I will or can or would want to be a part of, it is two people striving for the same goal. The buddy system takes on many meanings I have found.

I have to give it to you Teddy, you are doing well given that you are hold up with that leg. And I really hope your healing is progressing well. You know I can meditate and do yoga and I do, but what helps me most as you know is movement. But lately, I have been pushing myself to reach new and great distances. I have pushed myself up steep slopes just cause they look daunting. And with each mile I conquer my inner strength grows. I guess in your cast I would be meditating a whole bunch. I would have to work hard to quiet my inner self without using exercise. I have been reading more, that is a good thing. I am exhibiting my photography (I have never done anything like this before) next week. I am working with an artist friend, who paints, and she knows the ropes of exhibition and has quite an eye to help me discern a good photo from a not so good one. With her encouragement I reach for more.

Do you have a camera Teddy? I have fallen in love with photography lately, as in since I got my dog. And truly without my garden in the winter, I can still go to it in pictures. So what is it that calms you most Teddy? I just wonder, for you are such an inspiration to me. I have learned so much from you specifically. And really thank you. But was just curious, cause if my leg was UP and not free to move, I am not sure what I would do. So tell me please.

And get well fast, heal like rapidly. Are there any supplements you can take. My mom used to tell me to eat pineapple cause the bromide in it promoted healing.
Be well dear lady,
and glad your K. is here now.
WOW.
Love you much,
annie

__________________
Anne

Hi Teddy!

How is the leg? How are all things?
K

Hi Kelly, Thanks for asking. My leg is 'hanging in there'. Just trying to keep busy every day. Feb 10th is coming closer slowly, but surely. Things are ok. Our daughter has taken some steps to get support. She has found some counseling that she appears to be happy with and says she is going to go to meetings. We will see, as always, if actions follow words. Its distressing that she hasnt reduced her dose- at all, but maybe with more support she will. Just hanging in limbo right now- as so many of us are. How are you doing? Is Emily's health back on track? Hope you are well, hugs

Teddy-
I am really glad to hear the leg is hanging in there! LOL.. and you are so right Feb 10th is fast approaching!

I feel like I have been hanging in limbo for years! It's hard..when we are so wired to our kids.. But, you have taken so many huge steps to keep yourself healthy in all ways..that's it's got to pay off. I am glad your daughter is taking some steps and maybe her steps are smaller than your huge ones... but I hope they will pay off for her in the same ways..just may take her a little longer cause she is so much younger.

Emily's health is good from what I hear.. thanks for asking.. I will post more on my thread.

I am ok.. just plugging along...like your daughter..more slowly.. not where I want to be, but trying to accept where I am right now.
Hugs
K

Oh Teddy I just do not like LIMBO. Seems that much of my life hung there. It used to be so stressful for me the not knowing, the expectations and disappointments. I know what we want for them is often not the same as what they want. Perhaps we see it and they do not, I am not sure of the reason. I am sure that what we do in our role as parents does somehow affect them. And I do know that my surest answer when I was in that position was to pray, but then I was guided by my mom through all of that. I remember the Christmas some 2 years out for Mike, when he handed my mom a Christmas Card thanking her. And for you I pray that day also comes.

And know that your leg "hanging in there" is really hard on you personally. My mom used to say, "Do I get sick/injured and then depressed or do I get depressed and then sick/injured?"
She never found the answer in her life. I just know that depression often accompanies injury and sickness. The mere recognition that this is affecting you helps somewhat I think. Knowing that you are not up to par and that affects how you feel. And so I wish you rapid and good healing. And know that soon you will be healed and that veil of depression will be lifted from you, making you better able to deal with it all.

You are a light on here, a wealth of information and inspiration. And now, well I feel you in pain and anguish and feel that LIMBO you talk about so much. It will get better Teddy. You will get better.

Where are we when it comes to our child's decisions? I know the words detachment with love, and I know we cannot decide for them. But I also know the pain that comes when we look into their eyes and see the misery they claim is "just fine". Such a difficult disease and so hard on all of us.

Work on getting better my friend. It will totally change up how you feel about all of this.

Recently my best friend pulled her back, has a bulging disc, and is forced to the couch with cold packs. Her way of dealing with life, as in doing as much as possible has been taken from her. And now the grief of losing her spouse is fast upon her. The depression that accompanies her injury makes it worse. The fact that she really has not yet come to terms with the death, is now crashing down around her. I feel so so sad, I want to run and be with her, but I am stuck here with my dad. Just one story to let you know you are not alone in feeling this way, that such injuries take their toll not only on our bodies but on our ability to cope.

For today I am just glad to see you posted. Really glad as I went to bed wondering how you were.
You are getting better every day Teddy, and as your leg heals, so too will your feelings heal, your depression go away. I have been there and I know this is true. So be patient my friend. Keep us posted and get well soon.
Love annie

__________________
Anne

Hey Teddy and Anne,

I was thinking about this "limbo" stage... and here's what I thought... it's something you/we have to go thru.. to get to the other side... and by going thru it.. you are going to be able to help us even more... with your wonderful understanding and wonderful posts to us. Your personal experience and knowledge will be able many of us. So maybe it's not a "bad" thing...
Love ya fellow Moms!
K

Teddy - I, too, benefit greatly from your knowledge and experience. I haven't posted much lately - too much going on - but, wanted you to know that you're greatly appreciated. I hate 'limbo' - and have had to come to a place recently in which I accept that may be the best I get.

Glynn---

I see sooooo much progress in you! Have you noticed a difference in yourself? You are moving along really fast.. how does it feel? You should be proud of yourself! Honestly!
Love
K

I agree with Krish. I think you have made a great deal of progress in the way you view your daughter's addiction. You should congratulate yourself on it, but I know its kind of 'double-edged'. It isnt cheerful progress. Its a reckoning (sp?). But even so, its movement and I think thats real good. Yes, I hate 'limbo', too. But I accept your thoughtful advice that its a place to pass through to get to something better. I was brought up old school Catholic and limbo was a place where innocent souls (babies) went because they werent baptized.... thats a real bummer thought. So it always pops into my head whenever Ithink about being there. Some kind of 'holding area' you go because of something you didnt do.... weird, eh?? Anne is right. Im trying hard not to be depressed, but seem to fall farther into it each day. Not giving up, but finding it hard to fight right now. I guess thats normal, who wants to fight their way through each day? It really helps that you other moms keep poking at me and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I hope you all are well (as can be). Sending you hugs

Kelly - if progress is that I'm losing the fight of my life and acknowledging a sadness that is not going to go away - yes, I am.
Hubby will be here this weekend; I'm returning. I'm upset but I am coping ok. Sometimes life just stinks. Thank God, I have the most wonderful husband in the world and that helps. I should add: I have gotten recently the concept that my distress at this situation is apparent to my daughter and that is not helping. In fact it is harming. That needed to change and it is.

I have gotten recently the concept that my distress at this situation is apparent to my daughter and that is not helping. In fact it is harming. That needed to change and it is.


This is what I am talking about when I see your progress. Just recognizing that is huge to me! And it makes me think about all the harm I did..when I actually thought I was helping. It's hard to see when you are in the situation...
In many ways I feel lucky that Emily was assigned the counselor she was at the therapy school.. because she would point this out to me... she would say something like:
Kelly, if you do this for Emily.. what is she achieving? How is that gonna help her , help herself?.. if you do it?

Teddy: I really value your posts and strength... and when you leave for a fews days, I for one miss you...and think.. what would Teddy say?.. so if I have to keep poking you.. I will! I hope you don't mind! .... And I hope you know I/we are here for you as well. I guess in Trudger's words.. you gotta go back to the basics.. gotta start from the beginning and do what you know is best for you. And I know you can do it. I have faith in you!
Hugs and love
K