Hi. I am new here and am hoping I could get some encouragement and advice. My BF has been out of rehab for about three months from opiate and cocaine addiction. Two days ago I found some signs that he might have relapsed. He claims he hasn't which I do not believe. Currntly, he is on zoloft and xanax. He seems to still be depressed. Although he says going to NA meetings is a big help for him. I'm trying to be as supportive as I can but I don't want to be sucked in to this kind of lifestyle if he is back on drugs. He is an empty shell just going through the motions. He has no energy or desire to do anything. Am I wasting my time? Or is there something that I should be doing. It's such a sad and empty life for me as well. To want to be with someone who seems to be so oblivious to everything around them. I'm sure a lot of you can relate to the loneliness and hurt. What are your coping mechanisms? When can I expect myself to start breathing again and start enjoying life? Please help!!! I am feeling hopeless and don't know if I should stay or go. Thank you!

Dear FP, your feelings are completely normal for someone who loves an addict. Have you tried going to an alanon meeting? Many people find these meetings helpful and comforting- whether he has relapsed or not. You dont have to talk at the meetings, just listening can give you the sense that you are not alone. You can ask him to do a drug test- over the counter at drug stores or Walmart. Trust is based on fact and if you need to know his sobriety is a fact, then ask him. If he refuses you will have an answer as well. Doesnt seem like a recovering cocain/opiate addict should be on xanax- a benzo that is also addictive. People in recovery are not usually described as 'an empty shell'. Unless he is undergoing withdrawls, his mood should be much more upbeat-especially since he has been out of rehab for 3 months. In early recovery many addicts feel whats called 'the pink cloud'. They are very joyous and positive. Only you can decide whether you are wasting your time. Just as he chooses to use or not use, you choose to stay or go- based on your feelings and the best info you can get on whether he is sober or not. Im the mom of an addict, I know what you mean by an empty life, I and so many others here on ODR, have been there. Does he have an NA sponsor? Please stay around here and continue to post. There will be other people who will respond to you with good ideas and advice. Do you have family or friends you can talk to about your feelings? Does he have family you can talk to? Please take care of yourself. Send you hugs...

Teddyb thank you so much for responding. I appreciate the kind words. Living with an addict is such a lonely life. As sad as this situation is for all of us it is also comforting to know that I am not alone. My friends cannot understand what I'm going through because they have a "normal" relationship with their significant others. They are unable to give me the support I need because it is unhealthy and obviously can see that this is not what's good for me. I'm going to start going to some al anon meetings. I'm desperate for some support. Also, I'm not educated enough about the disease to give my BF the support he needs from me. He currently has a sponsor who is helping him with the steps (or so he says). I'm hoping it was just a short relapse and that he is back on track. He's not a good communicator and I'm left to assume that he is trying. I am hoping and praying that the nightmare will end soon. I am not the person that I was before. I want to start living my life and be normal. Again, thank you for your help.

FP, it is important to be educated about addiction. Reading around this site will give you lots of info- the various 'stickies' have details that can give you great insight into the disease. I did the same thing, I gathered all the info I could and educated myself about addiction. Its knowledge I never thought I would need, but what I learned here plus the education I got by living through our daughter's addiction was very important. And furthermore, it led me to understand a great many things about others around me. Sometimes when addicts are not good communicators it can be because they have a lot to hide, sometimes it may be they think they are protecting loved ones from painful events. The support he needs from you is going to be strange, in a sense. Its telling him you want him completely sober and that he needs to do it for himself, not for you. Its a time when he needs to be selfish, in a way. He has to commit himself so thoroughly to recovery that other relationships must take a back seat for a while. Without his recovery, is there any chance you would stay with him? If the answer is no, then his recovery has to take top priority. the nightmare can end, but soon is a relative term in addiction. Even if he is completely sober this minute, it takes a long time for the addict to come to grips where he finds himself, make amends, and 'grows up'. Being an addict completely stops emotional growth and it takes a good long while for them to recover and find themselves. If it is any help, there was a definate change in our daughter when we saw her finally committed to sobriety. In the two previous rehabs she was smart enough to talk the talk, but only occasionally live in recovery. The third rehab produced a real big change- in her voice, in her actions, in her crystal clear eyes and steady gaze. The very air around her changed. She grew emotionally from a 14 year old adolescent, to something quite close to the 28 year old she is now. But it took a long time - more than a year after that last rehab. Now she is much, much different than the addict I had learned to hate. I recognize my daughter there and many of the traits I associated with the child I raised. Due to her addict lifestyle, perhaps, or maybe by her now conscious choice, she has a rough edge. Tries to portray herself as a tough chick who emerged from the 'hood' sometimes instead of the small town, sensitive girl she was raised to be. Maybe shes not done growing, maybe thats becoome part of her personality now, I dont know. Im happy that she is sober, employed full time at a job she loves and takes care of herself. Please stick around FP and ask questions or just read. Its important for you to take care of yourself. Step away and have some fun on your own. Live your life, dont just put it on hold for his recovery. Be the best model you can be for moving forward, living life fully and when he is ready, invite him to step up and join you. Just be prepared for him to decline to join you if he isnt fully engaged in sobriety. There is no rushing this journey, no matter how hard you try. Take care of you!

Teddyb your personal experience gives me a lot of hope. Thank you for sharing. Tomorrow I'm going to a narc anon meeting. I have to make an effort to start living my life. I have to try to not get sucked into this lifestyle again. Thank God for this forum. God bless you and your family.

FP, you are most welcome. But Im only passing on what was given to me when I was down and out. Thinking of you, be strong.

Hello there Miss Fairy!
Living with an addict without knowing what is going on, is so horrible. That was my life when I was married back so many years ago. I knew nothing of alanon or even addiction for that matter. I trusted my husband and that was a huge mistake. I lost my heart and nearly my spirit to his addiction, plus I thought I could help, another mistake.

Unfortunately addiction is a disease and it is only taken care of with proper treatment. And, as with any other disease, the person has to want to be treated/healed or it will not work. The other thing, is that like diabetes, one has to remain vigilant in caring for themselves or they can relapse, just like a diabetic can go into a coma.

I hope the meetings help you, I can say after years of living with and around addicts, I NEVER understood the disease until it hit my young son. Then, well I was forced to learn if I had any chance of getting him on the right track. I had to understand the system of law to prevent them from locking him up and do my homework and hand him the phone to rehab, make mandates that were downright hard to do. Most importantly I had to learn how NOT to enable him, but to love him. A fine line.

Please do not live through 20 years of this like I did, learn now what the disease is like as our lovely TEDDY advised you.

WE all are on this site for different reasons, most importantly, I think, this site helps us to ONE: understand addiction for what it is TWO take responsibility for our own lives and THREE grow and learn spiritually and mentally every day, learning to take care of ourselves!

And actually, just as it is up to your b/f to take care of himself, it is up to you to take care of yourself. Addicts can use you till they use you up, do not NOT let yourself get into that position.

And Teddy is right, there is a HUGE change in a person once they get into recovery. The defensive nature stops, the hiding and deceit stops, they begin to live each day, to go through each day like everyone else, not hiding away in darkness, secrets, guilt, doubt, fear.

I wish you so much good. I pray for you that you come to understand addiction and what is happening before it sucks you dry like it did me.

MISS FAIRY~ welcome to a place that is safe, honest and where you will learn so much.
Be all you can be love!
annie [;^)]

Anne

Hey guys!! Thanks for all your support and good advice. I finally told my BF to leave the apartment. He is now staying at his parents house. We rarely ever talk. It sucks to be alone but it's really no different when he's around. I had to put an end to my crazy life. I refuse to go down with him. I can't revolve my life around him. One of the things I've read around here is that my love or our love will not make him stop. He has to want it for himself. That just stuck to my head. Before I used to think that he will turn the corner because of my love for him. It hurts but it's true. I can love him and give him my all but that's not gonna make him wanna stop using. I decided I had to put my foot down and make a stand. I cannot live my life being paranoid and play detective all day everyday. Now that he's not here I feel empty, sad and depressed. I have to stop myself from calling him to ask him to come back. If I love him I have to let him go. He needs to see that I will not allow this kind of destructive lifestyle in my home. I have to start loving myself and stop feeling worthless. He is my addiction. I can't get him out of my head and out of my heart. I have lost my self in this craziness. I am depressed and have bad anxiety. I can't sleep at nite and if I do I wake up in the middle of the nite with my heart pounding in my chest. This is what his addiction did for me. If it weren't for my daughter I would just sit on the couch and wallow in my own misery. If it weren't for my daughter I probably would have killed myself already. The idea of not being with my significant other kills me. The idea of addiction or a relapse is so frightening. This is something I have to live with if I'm going to be with him. Seems like I cannot win. I'm miserable either way. I just cannot win and it kills me. I'm so scared to do anything. I was supposed to go out with my girlfriend yesterday. Thinking about going out gave me so much anxiety that I made up some lame excuse and stayed home and sat on the couch all nite. It seems like there's no end to this. No light at the end of the tunnel. The loneliness in my heart is slowly killing me.

Sorry if this post is too long. It's been awhile since I poured my heart out.

addiction touches everyone around the addict...and obviously, you're still suffering from HIS addiction.

that's why there's Alanon...and Nar-anon. help/support for YOU.

please seek help...you don't have to go through this alone.

peace
janice

FlipPrincess GOOD for you that you made your boyfriend leave. I went to an Alanon meeting and they are just as I suspected for MYSELF..not useful. What is useful is just not dealing with an addict or someone with an addictive personality. Once this is found out or noticed, run for the heels. There is only a 10% success rate for recovery, if you are young, not married and no children with this person, GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE. They need to hit rock bottom.

I am at this very moment planning my departure for a lying, sneaking, manipulative addict who is TOO egotistical to go to any rehab or even come on this forum to address his addiction. He would rather try to detox on his own and take off the street Suboxone and Xanax TOGETHER, and then lie about the Xanax, then go back to Opiates, then try to take Subs again with Xanax. He is a complete wreck. This is someone who has a 75k a year job at late 20s in an economy that is slumming. How LUCKY is he? Right now he is slumped over looking like a completely disgusting junkie, couldn't even stay alert to eat his dinner. I feel so much anger but pity towards this person. This person has single handedly took my life backwards in a matter of 3 months and we have been together for a year. Why on God's green earth should I give my life to his addiction also? We would NEVER be able to have kids or any snippet of a normal life because for the rest of our lives we would be battling HIS problem. I wouldn't have any room to have an issue or a problem. Would have to be supportive, sensitive and strong every step of the way and walk on eggshells around this person. Because of course I can't be human and get upset and disappointed at the way he's been treating me oh because it's his "disease" the biggest loads of crap I have ever heard. I just don't understand, we have a nice place, he has a nice job, a vehicle, no foreclosures or kids to worry about. It is just he and I, I am currently underemployed and he makes WAY more than I do and he asked me for $500 to pay his car note just last week.

He's been very mean and moody to me, very thick headed also. He told me that he is better than most people, totally delusional to his own reality. I tried to get him to go to NA and to a counselor and his answer in our heated argument was "that he is better than other people" He also refuses to visit this forum. How can ya help someone who refuses to properly care or help themselves? You can not. The only thing you can do is step back, pray for them, and support them from a distance. Some people say people turn selfish because they are addicts but I say selfish people are addicts. I have always thought this, you have to have a very short term view on life to even TRY hardcore narcs for recreation in the first place, even after knowing people who have OD on them. You have to be in a suicidal mind frame when you have OD before, and then when everything in your life (as you claim) is going well. New caring girlfriend, new place, new job, life back on track...once you get extra money the first thing you do is seek out what initially destroyed it. It takes a very "special" kind of human to think THAT short term.

Hi Al~~~ and welcome to ODR and hi back at you too Princess and very glad you are back and posting again.

Look Princess, while it is hard to lose anyone, whether it is by death/divorce/separation it is just part of life. While this might seem harsh to you I want you to remember the line on Forest Gump where Sally Fields (his mom on the movie) is dying. She says, "Oh Forest don't you know that dying is just part of life?" Once you get the hang of it well it will not be so bad. Understand that in part, a big part, you are also in love with the idea of having someone/a significant other to share life with. And that an active addict will not be part of your life, in fact, he cannot be.

Al dearheart, addiction is a disease that requires treatment and just as a cancer patient will not survive without treatment, neither will an addict. The addict or anyone with a disease has to want to get help before help can be given. Addicts are very caught out in getting drugs and using drugs cause in all honesty they cannot stop on their own. And on his own he will not stop. And isolation is not only a symptom of addiction but it will also kill an addict. So if an addict is claiming to go to meetings (Well I for one would be driving them there and picking them up) or refuses to go to meetings, well then they are essentially refusing help, and essentially the disease will eventually kill them, and in the meanwhile it will take away their spirit/emotions/their very soul.

So knowing all of this it is wise to set down consequences for any addict that you are around in any way. In other words, you choose recovery or you do not contact me. the end.

Al~~~/Princess please get yourselves out (the door). Fight the need to stay in and feel alone and lonely. Fight that feeling. That is what living with an addict will do to you, do not allow this to happen to you. Please get out with your girlfriends no matter how you are feeling, you will feel better because of it, and this I can promise you. Also both of you could use a good shot of endorphins which are naturally released in your brain during sex and exercise. So if the sex is out atm, then exercise. I used to run back in the day. I would imagine every thing that was currently P*ssing me off to be embedded in the souls of my shoes. And I would bang my feet on the pavement visualizing me pulverizing all the negatives in my life. All that addict behavior that has driven you both to a dark place, put it on the souls of your shoes and walk out the door and bang your feet down on the pavement and squash those horrible feelings inside of you. And what is odd, is that at first you will have to push yourself, really go through these moments where you do not want to go, you do not need to go, all excuses, just go out the door. And what is so wonderful is that by the time you come back in the door you will feel better. Get out girls, too bad the two of you cannot get out together.

I am 57 years old and have no desire to start up a relationship anymore, but you are both young. There is NO WAY at your age I would give so much of my time to a loser. And at this point, if you are home feeling horrible and depressed etc (even if he is gone)well you are STILL giving him your time. Stop it, get out there, life is short and you are both young. Live and heal from these relationships and you will find true love. Loving an addict is too hard. And living with an addict in recovery, well let me see. The addict in recovery needs to be spending most of his time in recovery, as in attending meetings, doing steps, talking with others in recovery, taking care of themselves. Usually the rule of thumb for those out of detox is one year, wait one year to start any relationship, take the year to learn who you are again. Cause when you use you lose who you are to the drugs.

Addicts in active addiction are walking dead and those around them might as well be ghosts, phantoms with no power whatsoever over them. They do not care and they do not listen and they do not feel anything. Not that the addiction is who they are, but to find themselves takes as long as it took for them to get caught out. A long time before an addict is comfortable enough in his own skin to be in any newer relationship.

So get out girls and have fun, no matter how you feel. Start a campaign to take care of yourselves. Eat right, exercise, pray do what it is that makes you healthy and strong. And then in a year, after a year or less of this, you will come back to life, be ready to start over. I can promise you this will work.
All my love to both of you,
annie

Anne

Anne, such GREAT advice and I am doing exactly what you are saying. Taking care of MYSELF. I have made a plan and have been following it perfectly so far. My boyfriend? Today he said he was sad so I asked him if he wanted to see a movie. I went and bought the tickets and met him at the theater because he was so late coming home and the movie had practically already started. When we got there, he was so high on "something" not sure if it's the Suboxone or the Xanax but he was looked like sh*t when he came into the theater and I find it so amazing that he believes NO ONE NOTICES! Just freaking AMAZING! He came in the theater with flip flops, socks and pupils PIN POINT, totally slurring, hell he might tis well had been drooling. Here I am dressed nicely and put together, I can't even imagine what we looked like together. Night and day! He kept trying to hold my hand, but I was so disgusted throughout the movie, my skin was crawling sitting next to him. Thoughout the movie for the first hour, he kept choking on freaking Milk Duds! He offered me Milk Duds like 6 times, I guess forgetting each time that I said no thank you! He looked as if he was dosing off but it was that zombie like movements and behavior when he was on Diladid(sp?) I asked him today and yesterday if he had relapsed, my voice was calm and concerning. He kept insisting No, he is saying it is the Subs that makes him like that. How is that? He has been taking subs for 2 weeks now and only for the past 4 days has he been doing that whole slurring thing and walking zombie thing again.

We ended up leaving the movie early because he kept having to get up because he KEPT choking on the milk duds! I told him to just NOT eat them because obviously he's not eating them right. How the hell is he not eating right that he is choking in the freaking movie theater? It was such an embarrassing thing. On his 5th time getting up, on the way back in, I told him I wasn't feeling well and we could see it another time. I feel nasty being around him and felt disgusted whenever he reached for my hand. I am planning my departure, I can't leave right now because I have literally NO WHERE to go. Like NO WHERE to go or live and it is extremely cold out and snowy. Our home is comfortable and I have my things here. I am selling some things to get up enough money to leave. I am canvassing the entire area for any job from fast food to retail of which I can get. Right now I am still receiving unemployment and it is darn near IMPOSSIBLE to get a job around here. I send out over 60 resumes a day during the week. I don't even argue with him anymore because it is pointless and last time our argument got so heated, i started having extreme heart palpitations and felt light headed. I have Mitral Valve disease and since this stress has been on me, I have been having panic attacks in my sleep and severe chest pains during the day. I rarely even see this person, he claims he is always working as he owns a small security IT business but even right now at 2:00am he went by his brothers because he "forgot his medication *suboxone* there" YEAH RIGHT! He went to go shoot up somewhere I am sure.

I have a feeling he's going to OD again, but there is nothing I can do about it! I have tried and tried and tried, his brother knows about him using again and his mother knows (she's not a strong woman herself) I am only one person and have to also look out for myself. He is so delusional about himself and his abilities that it is so sickening. No one can tell him anything because he thinks he knows it all.

OH DEAR ME< I remember those days with my h/b and then my subsequent b/f, remember their denial, as I watched them nodding out and how disgusted I felt.

I have an idea for you. Why not get into a sober living house? For one thing it is not expensive to get in in the first place. If it is a good sober living facility they will mandate that you work close by. And the ones around here, well there are businesses that support their "clientele" and hire people from the house. It would be a safe and clean way for you to get your life back and you would get to be around other women in recovery.

Make some calls love, ok? Here they are called "Oxford Houses", but if you start calling them the residents are usually willing to refer you to another house that might have beds. I paid the initial 250.00 for Mike to get in one, and from there on he was self sufficient, cause he had to be.

So give it some thought hon. There is no need for you to be saddled with such horrid behavior, God reading that gave me flashbacks!

And of course he relapsed and of course he will not even admit this to himself. So keep looking for a place and consider a transition to a sober living house. All will be fine for you I KNOW it. You are a strong and determined girl, and what you go through with this b/f is well above and beyond the call of duty.

So check it out, ok!
Love annie

And where are you Miss Princess?[?][?][?][?][?][?][?][?][?][?][?][?][?]
annie[xo]

Anne

Fliprincess,
you thread literally made hy hear almost skip a bit. You can read my thread under new this my boyfriend is on methadone. its under family and friends.I was so alone priness,I could have neve told my mother or father about this. One question are you a recovering addict? I am only 23,you may think this girl doesn't have a clue we have so much in common. please let me know how you are doing. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

Haley

"We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path."

Suboxone doesn't do that to you. Suboxone really shouldn't even get you high. Yeah you feel it but its not like that. I don't recall it making pupils tiny, could be wrong but I just don't remember. But even so, the drugs used for treatment such as methadone as well, once you are taking it for awhile it doesn't get you high. I've noticed when a person takes opiates but isn't actually high on it their pupils don't seem to get so tiny. I know it was like that for me. If they were that tiny and he was acting like that then he was on some heavy opiates. Xanax will make you act stupid if you take too much but doesn't make your pupils small like that. If you feel like this now you are probably better off without him. My fiance and I have made it through but I did drugs with him so I suppose that made a huge difference. He had been doing drugs for a long time, since he was twelve. His parents, owners of a successful business, had done drugs for a long time and started doing them with their son, cocaine at age 14 and would buy him some to get them some. Nasty huh? When I met him I had tried a little bit but got into everything with him. We moved in together after 5 days and have been together for 7 years nearly now. I got clean off the other stuff and while I had done plenty of opiates including heroin It wasn't my drug of choice since my stomach couldn't handle it and I would throw up while high. So I wasn't constantly a daily user at that point. I quit everything when I got pregnant but my doctor gave me a ton of meds after giving birth and I had two injuries a short time later I was given medication for too. Now I'm stuck on this nasty stuff. I haven't even been high in years I just keep well. My fiance is going to the methadone clinic now. I'm going to a doctor to get a two week supply of suboxone here soon. That's another thing, subs shouldn't be taken for that long. They are great to help with withdrawal pain but after a period of time you become just as addicted. If someone doesn't want to quit, they won't. You have to get to a point where you see that it is the drugs making you miserable. And even then it's not so easy. As far as the other stuff he is taking, zoloft, now if he really is taking it that could make him seen like an empty shell. My fiance was on that at like age 14 or 15 and said it made him not care about anything, had no emotion whatsoever, hair started thinning, gained weight and couldn't even get it up at all. And this is a man who at 27 and after living with me for almost 7 years and us having a child can come and give me a hug touch my butt and get it up, so if he is taking zoloft it's possible it might not be the right medication for him and could be causing some weird problems. He doesn't sound like he is done with the drugs though. I'm sorry. I'm so ready to be free I can taste it but even I am still afraid. I don't get high anymore either, I don't think I could at this point so I wouldn't bother trying. He is getting high. No one wants to stop getting high while Everything is still great in their mind. You have to reach a certain point. I quit everything else for my child. I wish I hadn't gotten so addicted to pills again after having her. Someday if I ever have another child, I'm having it with a midwife, quite possibly at home where there will be no need for pain medication and no way to have it anyway. That's not the reason I want to give birth like that but its a great plus! Hope things work out for you regardless of your choice.