Hey Shanty, how are things going? I can see you are resolved to take care of yourself and your kids. When I finally reached the point you mentioned in your post, I grabbed a paper and wrote, "NEVER again" on it. I kept it with me and read it several times a day. It seems every time I did, it reinforced my decision. Just recently I found it in a closet- you may remember my daughter has been sober for over 1 year now- and I read it. I still got the quiet, confident feeling I always got from reading it in the midst of all that crazyness. I knew what I had resolved that day was the right decision and even if she (God Forbid) relapsed today, my feelings would be the same. Sit with you feelings awhile, take a deep breath or two and I hope you feel the confidence of your decision to stop accepting his drug use. The more committed you are, the more likely he will see you mean business. Hugs

Things are going okay. My husband is clean (for now). He is still at the apartment, but has been coming over the last couple of days to get the house ready for putting it up for sale. Painting and stuff like that. He was sick from w/d and didn't eat for a few days, doesn't look like he has been taking good care of himself. But he does look sober. I am not making any decisions about our future, it is way too early for that. But he has been depressed and lonely and saying how much he misses us. So we will see what happens. Its going to take a long time to rebuild the trust, if its possible. But at least he is clean, and he got clean pretty quickly after moving out. I was expecting him to get worse before he got better.
I told him if he is clean (and if he takes a test whenever I feel I need to give him one) then he can visit me and our daughters. If I feel he is not then I don't want to be around him and will not allow him in our lives. I know that I cannot have drug use in my life anymore. I just cannot deal with it anymore. I don't want it, it makes me crazy and unhappy. I deserve to be happy.

Shanty,just checking in to see how you are doing. Just wanted to keep in touch. Hugs

Oh sweetie I am so sorry I did not see this sooner. I spent many years with my husband, and for two glorious years he was c/s and that was after my son was born. Then, I got pregnant and the whole thing started over again. I thought for sure when he got on methadone that things would change, but they got worse.

I left him eventually, went home to my mom with two babies in tow. Best thing I ever did, and I do do do feel badly but I could not eradicate his demons; I could not save him and that is a FACT.

He died alone, but clean for the first time in years. I felt sad, cried a year about that one, but was later assured by his sister that I made the right choice as after I left things got worse and that was not MY fault, it was his.

Most anyone who goes through detox and then stays in recovery knows KNOWS that they have to work on themselves BEFORE they work on a relationship, he has a long way to go. Being clean is just the beginning. You really want to keep checking to be sure he is attending meetings and staying on track, is that your job or his?

Babe, I have lived with far too many addicts to say to you that you can save him/help him/make it easier for him cause you cannot. This is his demon to tackle and not yours, do not be sucked in as you shall surely have your life sucked right out of you, and land, like I did, in a psych hospital.

Please take good care of yourself!
He has to do this on his own.
Honey I feel so so bad for you at this moment, cause I KNOW what you have been through.
Much love,
annie[xo]

Anne

Things are going. Haven't seen him in almost a week. When he came over last week he was doing good, looked sober, acted sober, he spent time with our daughters, it was good. But since I haven't seen him the last few days I'm not sure how he is now. My instinct tells me that he has been taking something, Soma,, Klonopin, maybe even painkillers. But when I talk to him he always says he is clean (of course) and that he will take a test anytime. So that makes me thing its Soma or Klonopin, as right now the only tests I have only test for opiates.

I feel stressed and sad, as usual. Life with a addict is so hard. I always invisioned my life being different than this. I tend to be a little anxious and a worry wart about things anyways- so a life like this is expecially hard- I want a partner- yet I often feel like I am married to a teenage boy. Like I am his mother.
I have reached the point of knowing that I cannot deal with it in my life- yet I do still have hope. He was my soul mate! The night I met him- we both knew- it was something I had never felt before. We were so happy- and then opiates entered the picture. Nothing has been the same since. They stole him away- like a demon took over him. Esp when he is on them- he is a different person. But when someone is on them more than not on them- then that demon becomes who they are- he is no longer the person I met 11 years ago.
But I often think even if he does get sober and stay sober for a long time- I will always have to worry about relapse- I will always have to worry that opiates will steal him away again. And I am sick of that feeling. Opiates are about the worse drug to get addicted to. It has that something that just lures them in- they just love it so much. They keep going back to it, unless they are very strong and want sobriety more than anything.

I know he need to work on himself, I know he is depressed and talks about wishing he were dead. He seems to do this to get attention from me because he freaks me out when he does that and I call him a lot to make sure he is okay.
He claims he has been busy with work- and he has I know- but I think that there is another reason he hasn't been over here and thats cause he doesn't want me to see him and know he not sober.

One of my biggest regrets is not going into a different profession. I have a bachelors degree, and work in the social work field. They pay is not good, and I dont know how I will support my 2 girls on my own. I curse myself because I depend on him for money. I am trying to figure out some other training I can get to go into another field to make more. Honestly that is a big part of this. If I was self sufficiant I think it would be a lot easier for me to just leave the marriage.

Hey guys,
Haven't been on here for a while thought I would give an update.
Well my husband is now clean. We seperated for a couple months, he had his own apartment. Shortly after he moved out he decided he wanted to stop the pills. He went on sub. Well, he ended up losing his job. We could not afford his place and the bills at our house. He moved back home. Things have not been easy, there has been a lot of stress and fighting. This happened back in October. So he was on sub for a couple months and decided he wanted to stop. He has not had a job for 3 months- we have no $ and although of course I wanted him off the sub, I also knew that we couldn't afford for him to be sick for a month. But anyways what is important here is that on his own he decided he wanted off the sub. So he stopped the sub 5 weeks ago. He has been on sub off and on (going back and forth between sub and pills) for yrs.
So he is in a depression right now. He just wants to lay in bed all day. I knew it would take a while for him to feel better from the sub detox and I am trying to be understanding but its hard. Everyday I hope he is going to spend time with his daughters and me and try to get a job and everyday he promises he will but it doesnt happen. I am hoping that the deprssion will lift soon. I know it is normal to be depressed after getting off drugs. He says he has lost his will to live (he is not suicidal- just down), that he doesn't care about anything. He did get up today and shower which was good, he def needed to
Anyways, while things are really hard right now, I also have some hope- this is the first time HE has really wanted to be clean. I have hope that this depression will lift and maybe we have a chance to be happy again.

FYI -
In regards to Shanty's blog about how addicts test negative on drug tests. I have heard that Oxycotin will show up negative because it is synthetic. I don't know it there are other sythetic drugs out there?

Lrb, it depends what kind of urine test is given. A standard opiate test may not be able to detect the oxy, but there ARE tests that can detect them. I've known several people take oxy and fail UA's. It's actually semisynthetic....

Shanty, and all parents for that matter concerning failing drug test. I know this because a guy I knew had been doing it to pass his UA's for his parole officers. There is these things guys can use called the "whizzinator" that is a fake penis, is very deceiving and can "pee" with clean urine that you can buy. So even though this guys parole officers watched him pee, they didn't figure it out. So be careful of this, almost every guy I know who is on parole who uses has one!! Just thought you should know =)

I beat urine test for two yrs... weekly randoms at that. I wish I put that much energy in recovery instead of Covering

<center>omission is not honesty, only different ways of lying</center>

Shanty, he is back home? Hon unless this test is being given at a professional or criminal institution it can be faked. Methadone and OXYS! OMG.

Listen love, he is not working. This is your chance to lay down some consequences for his behavior. AS IN: Go to detox and then rehab or do not come here. Sound harsh? It is, but anything else will allow him to manipulate you. Know this is the disease of addiction, not him per se, but his choice and his disease. Your only chance of helping him is laying down a consequence and seeing if he chooses it or tries to reason/rationalize/addict talk his way out of it. If he chooses to go to detox and rehab fine you take him, you let him go. If he has no job there are state run centers where he can go for no money, and they can help him apply for the aide to pay for it. He HE HAS to make the call. I would suggest that you get a list of places, state run, a long list, and hand it to him. He either wants this or he does not want it, you cannot affect his choice other than to lay down a consequence for him choosing to stay in addiction. Do not NOT allow yourself to become a victim of his addiction. He will put you there, he will not own his choices until he decides he is ready for help. His problems will be put on you. Do not accept this, for surely as I am sitting here, I honestly tell you, this will tear you down. I have been there, it is not fun.

Drug testing, you YOU holding him accountable is not what he needs. He needs to be in detox and rehab and holding himself accountable. As with any disease he needs professional help. Unfortunately in the case of addiction they suck in the ones they are closest to to enable them to use. That would be you, be ever aware of this.

Hold tight to your conviction, KNOW HE HAS TO CHOOSE TO GET HELP, not you, nothing you can do for him at all. Give up the consequence, make the list and hand it to him or tell him to leave. Sometimes when there are no options left for drug use (as you not supporting him or giving him a roof over his head) that will be enough for them to hit a bottom and decide on their own to get help.

I wish there was something I could tell you that was different than this cause it is and will seem harsh to you. It is the reality of addiction though. If you went to an ALANON meeting you would see the truth of it all. But for now come on here and continue to post. Make the list, post again. Please, we are all here for you.
always,
annie [xo]

Anne