Teddy: I feel so awful. Woke up this morning and my first thought was - is this supporting my daughter? Then got a call from my husband saying he was determined to do something different in hopes of a better result...and, things are in motion. I'm not sure I can even function today. It appears the only reason the clinic is still allowing her husband to participate is because they are concerned about my daughter dropping out if he is kicked out. Think good thoughts.

YES you can function Glynn, don't doubt yourself love. YOU KNOW that for things to be different then things HAVE To change. Teddy, well she is just an awesome human being. I have a great affinity for her as I walk in her shoes, and you are now too. Take heart, your h/b is a lovely man, he only wants this to end in a good way, and honestly that is what you want also. YOU ARE SO SO STRONG, you have come a thousand miles since I first met you. Feel that inner strength you have and remain ever grateful for what you DO have, and BELIEVE this will work. BELIEVE it.
Much much love to you my fellow warrior princess!
annie [xo][xo][xo][xo][xo][xo][xo][xo]

Anne

My daughter, on MMT, believes she is doing very well - very proud of passing tests, etc. Her husband is not on MMT and is still using - what happens in a situation in which one party is attempting to stop - and the other is not. Does it ever work?

Dear Glynn. Im somewhat familiar with this situation. Our daughter turned to MMT at first when she wanted to quit heroin. At first she, too, was proud of passing tests, going up in the ranking system for 'take homes' and all that jazz. Then she slowly realized what a horrible dilemma she had gotten herself into. The clinic she attended then encouraged her to go up, up, up and made it very difficult to go down. Whenever something was going on in the family and she wanted to attend the function, she had to worry about getting her dose when out of town. MMT will lose its glow with time and really, theres not much to be proud of when you trade one opiate addiction for another. As far as her husband not being on MMT and still using, well who can say its impossible to succeed? I think the overwhelming opinion of those who have experience MMT and heroin use in the same relationship would say it cannot succeed (the relationship will fail or drug use will win). That being said, the motivation of the individuals to committ to sobriety means a lot. My daughter was in a relationship with a heroin user who had no intention of quitting- ever. She eventually asked us to help get her out of there and I believe she has only had any success at all because she distanced herself from drug users- you just cant be around others who continue to use and maintain sobriety. I bow to those who have had experience with this that differs from mine, but its tough and you have no control over this. Anne is right, you have to draw strength where you can and take care of yourself. You cannot allow drugs to take even more victims. Choose life for yourself- and make your goal to make it the best quality life that you can. Begin to walk up that hill and keep going. Maybe your daughter will be inspired to follow you at some time. Thinking of you! Hugs

Teddy - I feel awful about the methadone - in a way it seems just as insidious and dangerous as the other. She is getting lots of counseling (through clinic and private psychologist) so I am hopeful with that as progress. She appears to want to change things - obviously, her husband does not. She knows that intellectually and can communicate that with us - but, the fear of course is that she will backslide with his use. I'm picking up the grandsons tomorrow and am very very happy about that. We don't have a return date established. Hopefully my daughter will visit over Christmas but if her husband will not I would not expect her to either - regardless of intentions now. I do think that things are changing - one way or another.
I've been to four Alanon meetings and several in depth discussions with a young recovered mom...which has been very helpful. Thanks for your interest. Hope your injured leg is healing quickly.

WOW you are picking up your grandsons! OMG that is so so great. I cannot believe how far you have come with this, you are one very determined and awesome mother my friend! You do remind me of myself with my son, not giving up, not disowning her, continually reaching out to her, praying for her, BEING there when the time is right.

I am going to pray for you this weekend. I want you to please write me and let me know how it goes down there. I just know with your vigilance and with how far she has come (even on methadone at least she is now AWARE that things HAVE TO CHANGE!). I know you hate methadone, so do I. But for now, just do what you can with your grandsons, cause the day is soon to come that SIL will be gone and you will have your daughter on your doorstep, and you WILL be ready to help her help herself then.

I am so happy to see you on here this morning. God bless you and your h/b. What wonderful parents you both are. It melts my heart to see you doing this. I just have heard too many sad stories, parents leaving kids to die, honestly. Just believe things will work out. You are so dear to my heart,
annie [xo]

Anne

Annie - I do feel determined about some things...others I sort of know in my heart are just not things I can control - but, I can influence some things in my own way. I also feel differently than when I started this thread. At that point, I honestly didn't know the truth (amazing, really - as I look at it now) - my daughter is talking which is very good...you and Teddy and others and just reading these threads helps immensely. I am and was an example of someone completely in the dark about drugs - legal, illegal...just never had it in my life. I was easily fooled, I'm afraid. Well, not so easily anymore and I can thank this board for that. My eyes are open.

Dear Glynn, yep, I was completely clueless about drugs and addiction- It just wasnt within my realm of knowledge. Its knowledge I would have never sought out on my own, but once it came- as you say- my eyes were opened. So naturally fear becomes a giant element in this process. But it is a process and you are walking through the steps. You dont want to stay in place here. You want to find ways to move though this and on to something else. I am so happy to know you will have your grandchildren for a while. I know that will be soothing for you. Thats right, influence what you do have control over and continue to grow and learn. Annie and I and so many others are here for you. Silently walking along with you. You arent alone. We care. Hugs and enjoy those kids!!

I just had to respond to you two, Teddy love and Glynn my dear friend.

You know I was addicted to so many substances and came off them on my own for so many years. I lived with addict after addict. I watched some die, some very close to me including my h/b and my boyfriend of many years. I watched my best friends and family members suffer from addiction also. But I NEVER understood addiction and all its creepy parts until my son got addicted to heroin. Imagine that, 30 years of experience (personal experience) with addiction yet I still did not get it at all.

I often think perhaps all those years were just training for me to KNOW how to LEARN HOW to deal with my son. But then, when I saw my son on 400./day of heroin, I WOKE UP. I knew I would lose him either to jail/prison system or death. Do you realize that for at least 3 years I hid his addiction from everyone in my family? Do you realize that for all those years I thought I could simply "take care of him/fix him"? What a misconception I had, and yet with all this experience of my own with addiction, I was a total enabler.

One day, while working in the law office, I got a call from my son, who was in some sort of trouble AGAIN. I could not take it, and right after he called, my best friend called me. I broke down, I MEAN I HAD a nervous breakdown right there on the phone with my best friend. I literally dumped all that I had held secret to her. The first of several nervous breakdowns. SLOWLY I came to realize how messed up not only my son was, but how messed up I WAS.

Because I HIT MY BOTTOM, I was forced to seek help. And it was only at this point in my life that I came to understand addiction fully! Boy did I have my work cut out for me.

I just want you to know that it does not matter whence you came or who you are. It does not matter when it is your kid. You learn cause you have to. Perhaps, in retrospect, I never learned cause, in fact, I did not place that great a value in my own life. Perhaps I loved my son more than myself and that is why I woke up. No matter, I did wake up.

So I just want you to know, do not feel badly that you come into this blind. For with my history I should have been anything but blind, but so blind was I!.

This is a process, it is about ourselves as much as about our children. To be there for our children we must have found some sort of balance/GOD in our own lives first FIRST! So I commend both of you, for coming from no knowledge to seeking so hard the knowledge needed to help your kids. The process is never EVER an easy one. Just took me some 30 or more years to get it, but OH DO I GET IT NOW. I nearly died on life support. I wore out my body big time in all those years I stuffed it all inside. I destroyed my very own immune system with stress and disease. And I HAD TO FIGHT OR DIE. Never would I want ANYONE to go through what I went through all to learn a huge lesson. The lesson is we have to take care of ourselves, and this is not lightly written either. WE HAVE TO or we are of no service to anyone else.

The truth now is that I have been externally seeking help with my own healing. That I found that the secret to life/to LOVE is all inside of me. It was all the time, I just refused to access that LOVE. I refused to get humble and pray for myself. The lessons that brought me to today were hard learned lessons. I DID NOTHING the easy way, in fact took some back door route to simple problems my whole entire life. But the buck stops here. No longer will I LIVE in secret with my secrets that only serve to destroy ME.

For ALL of you I give this forward. It is all I have, but it is who I am. That I might save one single person from my fate (which I sealed all by myself), I will. Life is so worth living. It is BEAUTIFUL and God sent. Let go and Let God, such a simple prayer I have known my entire life. I ask myself why I waited so long to learn it. But whatever it is or was, that is it, I cannot change it. What I can and WILL change is how I live my life from here on out.

So with this in mind, I TELL YOU, TEDDY and GLYNN what you have managed is astonishing to say the very least. I commend you and recommend to you that you ALWAYS take care of yourselves so you can ALWAYS be there for those you love.
And that is my story and I am sticking to it
annie

Anne

Annie, you are something else! How strange, but mostly lucky that we can find complete strangers in the world and help each other along! Your spirit is a glowing example for us all- there is a way through, just keep stepping forward! Giant hugs to you!

Have you you talked to youyr daughter glynn? HOw abut your son Anne? What about you Teddy?i have been really busy today and havent had much time to post. James said today that he didnt want me to ask about his addiction anymore because all it did was makes him want to use. What do you lovely ladies think about this? Is this my addict talking? kind of down just trying to deal... praying as all well
Haley

"We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path."

Hi Haddie-- I don't know what you do about that... because in my situation..that was exactly what my daughter would say when she didn't want us to know she was using.. but I don't James.. it might be a real trigger for him..
Does he got to meetings? Is he showing you by his actions? What is your gut telling you??

I think I would explain to him how much he is a part of your life..and you are asking because you love and care about him...I think the addicts in our lives have to try and understand where we are coming from also...a lot of times I heard..."it's my recovery".. well yes, it's your recovery, but we are your family who loves you and we need to know how to support you...because all indications show you can't do this alone..and when the chips are down..whose there for you?? Not your dealer and you have no friends anymore...

You might have answered this before.. but have you gone to counseling together? It might help.. have a neutral person there..
K

He gave me consent to talk to his counsler and in the morning I am going to the clinic with him.I also have written consent so that the counsler is able to discuss anything about him and his progress issues whatever. I a trying so hard here. I am just so fed up the all about me attitude. He doesnt get what he has done to me, and it bothers me because I need answers, I am just taking it day by day, at this point her would do whatever i wanted so I wont leave. But I dont want him to get well for just that reason. I want him to be well with or without me. Thanks for the Adice Kris let me know what you think... hugs and prayers as always

"We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path."

What I do without you each day now. You are the sun, shining through the clouds thank you for taking me in like your own daughter, and being there when I have had no one else. YOU are one of the most AMAZING people I have been blessed snough to come into my life... cant wait to hear from you... prayers always

"We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path."

Haley - I just love it that he trusts you enough to sign that authorization....it was necessary for you to be able to understand what's going on with him. I don't think it is unusual for the addicted person to be oblivious to the damage done by that addiction. I bet he's getting the message though...

Email anytime - Hope you're feeling better - I've got a monster cold and we're looking for snow today (going to Asheville)

Hugs - I'm looking forward to 2010