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Thread: feel like I'm at the end of my time

  1. #1
    downandout is offline Junior Member
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    Default feel like I'm at the end of my time

    The title says it all. A bit about me. I started on pain pills about 8 years ago. It turned into a everyday thing march of 2007. So a little over 5 years ago. At that time I started getting prescriptions from my doc, I thought I had found the holy grail of feeling GREAT. You all know the story. This has been going on since. My monthly script lasts me about 2 weeks...after which I go through withdrawal EVERY FREAKIN 2 WEEKS, and I get whatever I can off of "friends" or the street. About a year ago, the pills totally stopped getting me high but I found I could NOT STOP!!!!!

    I have bad anxiety already before the pills , I think that's why I LOVED them sooo much!! Anyhow, they themselves began GIVING me anxiety when I would take them..and maybe a 15-20 minute tiny buzz..but a WORLD OF ANXIETY!! again, I couldn't stop...

    I would think, just a few more and the anxiety will be gone and I'll catch a buzz and stop feeling so shitty. Well that never happened for the last year or so. I would be soooo constipated at times from the pills, I wouldn't go for weeks!!! I wouldn't stop the oxys though,I would eat laxatives and shove ducolax suppositories up me...I'm very ashamed. I've NEVER TOLD anyone about my habit.

    Either my wife is blind god bless her or she chooses not to see it. I ALWAYS HAVE an excuse as to why I'm in bed sweating like a snow man in africa. At times I would pray to god she would catch on and MAKE ME go get help. I have always been too afraid to come to her and just say the words "I need help" I don't know why, but was just too ashamed or scared..I'm not sure.

    Well I've reached a point now, where I just CANNOT DO THIS ONE MORE DAY. I feel like Im soo close to dying from the f'king pills!!!! I really do. I don't sleep anymore, I don't eat, I don't smile or laugh. It seems I'm in a 24/7 panic attack!!! for over a year now. I CANT STAND THIS ONE MORE DAY!!

    As shitty as these things are making me feel I just cant stop!! It's SICK!!!

    I've stooped so low as to go through my friends medicine Cabinet after their surgery to take a few pills. A CHILDHOOD FRIEND!!! What kind of ******* does that??? ME!!! OH MY GOD, i'VE NEVER SAID ANY OF THIS OUT LOUD BEFORE...seeing it written in front of me makes me feel like I have no hope!!!

    Last week, I did call a psychologists office and make an appt for "anxiety" and told them I want to talk about substance abuse as well...I chose a psychologist over a psychiatrist because as far as I know a psychologist CANNOT prescribe pills...I dont need another pill hook up!!

    I need to call my doc and cut off my script...but I'm also too afraid of my doctors reaction...how weak does that sound?

    I woke up at 3am today in a full fledged panic attack. I took 80mg and it didnt even give me ANY RELIEF. none!! This is OVER!! Im soooo ready to kick this addiction and begin to recover!! im ready im ready im ready

    My appointment is this coming Wednesday. I'm praying to god I dont get scared and clam up.

    I have 3 30mg pills left. I'm not scared of WD...I've been through it literally 100's of times...well Thats a lie ,I still AM scared of it.

    Thanks for reading

  2. #2
    downandout is offline Junior Member
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    Default Re: feel like I'm at the end of my time

    can anyone relate...?? has anyone felt like they were near the end and then eventually recovered ?? I guess Im looking for some hope

  3. #3
    movazi's Avatar
    movazi is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: feel like I'm at the end of my time

    This pretty much is the story of every opiate addict. The brain develops tolerance to opiates and we get to a point where they simply stop working. After repeated relapse we finally realize that there is no other option but to quit. Be glad you have reached that point :- )

    you have gone through the wd before, but have not gone the whole mile. Go through it one more time but after the first couple of weeks (the acute phase of wd) prepare yourself for the prolong phase of paws. Trust that they will pass too, given enough time.

  4. #4
    Robyn is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: feel like I'm at the end of my time

    Hi downandout

    I've been clean 3 and 1/2 months after countless relapses over the past 20 years.
    No one knew this last time until my husband found my pills. He left me for three weeks...I seriously thought he was never coming back...but he did. He'd ask me on a regular basis if I was using...I became a very good liar, would look him straight in the eye and say "of course not!"

    I shoved pills down my throat despite the fact that they were making my migraine headaches worse. Didn't care. I was just so damn afraid to stop.

    Like most of us here, I understand the shame. I have done some pretty crappy things to make sure I had plenty of pills...stole from my chronically ill mother and my 92 year old grandmother. Sick...

    What I can say is my anxiety level is much better but it takes time. Seeing a pschologist sounds like a really good idea as long as they have a good handle on addiction...not all do. Just make sure you have some kind of support because the odds are that you won't have luck doing it on your own.

    Take care of this NOW cuz I can tell you from experience that it doesn't get any easier. The years
    will fly by and you will still be a junkie...I can promise you that.

    I've been going to aa this time around. Working the steps with a sponser. It's not the only way, but it seems to be working for me.

    I wish you the best of luck.

  5. #5
    downandout is offline Junior Member
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    Default Re: feel like I'm at the end of my time

    i took my last around 11:30am today. The Anxiety is ALREADY kicking my butt!!! it's intense as all get out!! It's hard to even sit still....god I hate this!! I am determined to make it...the anxiety is ALWAYS the worse thing for me!!!

  6. #6
    downandout is offline Junior Member
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    Default Re: feel like I'm at the end of my time

    my doctor just returned my call. I told him the TRUTH. I wasn't expecting much but there was no compassion at all. I've been excused from the practice. that is what I wanted anyways. I also just got done telling my wife ALL OF IT...she said she knew most..but we both cried and she said she will be right by my side.

  7. #7
    movazi's Avatar
    movazi is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: feel like I'm at the end of my time

    Yes, the anxiety and depression have always been the hardest part for me too. There are various SSRI that can, to some extent, deal with both (they take few weeks to work though and it is a trial and error to see which one works for you). So maybe you do need a psychiatrist after all. You are correct that one should stay away from medicine as much as possible, but at this point the priority should be to quit opiates, so use whatever at your disposal to accomplish this, other medications are not hard to come off.

    The harshest symptoms though subside after few weeks to a manageable level. Then it is a matter of months (depending on your age and length of time used) for the brain to regain its normal chemical balance. You may actually get over this faster than others because for years you have been using for two weeks and then going through wd for two weeks.

    Do not go on Sube though. It will make you feel perfectly fine but you will have to pay a very high price later on (unless you go on small dose for a week or two max).

  8. #8
    Firsttimedetox is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: feel like I'm at the end of my time

    Hey Downandout .

    As bad as you feel, and as hopeless as it can seem.. Your probably right where you should be and the truth is that your life can get so much better.

    Almost nobody who is addicted to Opiates just decides to quit because they have lost interest. It always ends when the misery of using becomes bigger than the misery of staying clean ..

    You have a great story.. It makes a whole bunch of sense to me .. Your story show that staying clean is much harder than getting clean, because you have gotten clean hundreds to times.

    So the question is, why cant you stay clean ?

    Anxiety and depression are horrible .. Especially in early clean time ..

    There is however going to be more .. If you can believe that, you can start to unravel the whole mess and get to the root of the problem.

    Addiction is a disease of obsession and compulsion, and every obsession or compulsion has its roots in pain .. The pain may not be obvious or even known to you, but its there .. That pain needs to be addressed, confronted and seen for what it really is .. If your like me, and your story is not unlike mine, you will find this to be true..

    I am a member of NA.. I work the same steps that Robyn talks about .. Though working the steps, we confront those things that cause our anxiety, blue moods and even depression.. we learn to live the life we where given, and we learn that its okay ..

    To be done with addiction, we nearly always need to have reached the point where we become willing .. Willing to accept help from someone who has been through what we are facing .. Willing to take advise and act on it, without having to be 100% sure. Willing to ask for help.. When we surrender the idea that we can beat this on our own, or even beat part of it on our own .. we are then ready to start recovering ..
    sam bailey and Carol09 like this.

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    Carol09 is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: feel like I'm at the end of my time

    Hey there....I have an anxiety disorder too, and it started waaaayyyyy before I picked up any drug....I was looking for peace in the oxyz, and they did do that in the beginning, until it had me in it's claws, then tolerance hit in, had to use higher and higher amounts all the time...and my behaviour got sicker and sicker....I became emotionally detached from everyone I loved in my life. I am 18 days today, and it does get better. I go to therapy and NA...I am doing some work now on step one, so that I may never forget the pain those darm demon pills gave me and had me....we just need to do this one day at a time...and with NA I am amongt my own.....addicts that are recovering from a seeminly hopless state of mind and body...they are happy today for the most part cause they did the work...I like being around them, cause they've been where I have been, they 'get' me, like no other people can.... :)

    I do hope when you are feeling a bit better or not, I went on day 3 to my first NA meeting and felt better there...a lot of love there...I hope that you will at least consider it...you don't have to do this thing by your self...
    The opiate 'buzz' NEVER lasts......THEN WHAT......?

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    AumuA is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: feel like I'm at the end of my time

    can anyone relate...?? has anyone felt like they were near the end and then eventually recovered ?? I guess Im looking for some hope
    Yes! I have absolutely felt that very same way, for certain. And today I am clean and I have some degree of freedom from compulsion and self sabotage. Yes, it is possible! Yes, there is hope for you too.

    my doctor just returned my call. I told him the TRUTH. I wasn't expecting much but there was no compassion at all. I've been excused from the practice. that is what I wanted anyways. I also just got done telling my wife ALL OF IT...she said she knew most..but we both cried and she said she will be right by my side.
    That's exactly what you needed to do. It's a huge step in the right direction! Congratulations on finding the courage to do that.

  11. #11
    ainahainahapa is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: feel like I'm at the end of my time

    One day at a time. One second at a time. Before you cut off with your doctor, maybe tell him the truth and have him titrate you down, or if you CT, do it at a detox center. If you can't get off work, take ten days vacation and do it. I strongly suggest NA or AA for support. it helps to know that we are all the same.

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