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Thread: Starting on my road...

  1. #37
    charless is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Starting on my road...

    Heya! I am starting to slowly feel normal. I have a way to go and still get chills and my legs will not stop moving.

    Went to another meeting. Starting to see the same people at them so its kind cool. I am still new only 3 so far but someone helped me plan out the next two days.

    This is the time where I start to slip. My mind all tries to trick me into using again. Hey I am feeling a little ok now why not use? Feelings are all over the place. I don't know what the hell to do with all these new emotions.

    Well F-That. One day at a time. Still C/S.

    Here is to day 4.

  2. #38
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    fenderman is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Starting on my road...

    Charlez...remember, it's your addiction that says you're feeling okay now.....Mr Addiction is getting really mad at you for holding out this long and will play any and all mind games to get you to feed him again.....understand? You have to believe this gets better and you will win this battle......using again will bring you more sadness because then you will feel defeated......don't let up.....minute by minute....you keep telling Mr Addiction to go F himself and that he will lose, because Charlez is not giving in....pretty soon he'll get the picture and start easing up :-) Now remember this....getting clean is the first step....now once you're clean, what are you going to do to keep clean?? Check out IOP's ( Intensive Out-Patient) facilities in your area.....it will help you acquire the tools and thinking to always stay a step ahead of your addiction.....that's what I did.....had to change my thinking....okay?? I see where you are seeing an addiction counsellor....great step my man!! You should know the NA mantra by now...."it works if you work it"....keep pushing yourself.......if I can do it, so can you :-) All the best!


    Bobby
    Your worst day of not using, is better then your best day using!

  3. #39
    charless is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Starting on my road...

    Thanks Bobby. Day 4.

    Got to bed around 2AM and just woke up 30 min ago with a horrible nightmare. Was still damp but it was not as bad as yesterday. I sure do wish I could get some zzz's. The dream was too bad right now for me to go into detail but maybe helped me in a way. It will come true if I keep using. Nothing will change in my life unless I change my life on my own terms and not the pills.

    NA has been super great so far. If anyone was super scared to go or even to try one meeting you owe it to yourself if you want to get clean to at least go once. Maybe you have the strength to do this on your own but I sure as hell can't. I have been told all though my life how smart I was but I always thought NA would not work for me because I am different. Well boy am I finding out that I am not. I am just your average joe with a bad pain pill addiction and if I don't reach out, want to quit, need to quit, will do anything and everything to quit I will still fail doing it on my own. That is just me.

    Still debating on going in to work. I can extend my excuse to today and make it to another meeting at noon. Going to make some coffee and let it just come to me.

  4. #40
    charless is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Starting on my road...

    God you are so right about Mr Addiction. He sure wants his fix and does not give a damned what it does to me or those around me. Right now I get a feeling to use I just push it somewhere deep in my mind and after a bit it will not sound so loud. Then a minute later it will be right back there telling me its my old friend and how good it made me feel. Well for the first time I am remembering how BAD it made me feel. Not sure that makes any sense.

  5. #41
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    sudokudee is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Starting on my road...

    Good morning charless~

    Are you feeling any better today? Are you planning to have a little breakfast with that coffee? BTW....I'm a HUGE coffee-drinker....a coffee-snob, in fact...grind my own beans, etc. I've endured massive stomach-aches just to have my coffee. Loooove my coffee. Swigging it as we speak.

    Did you read the thing I posted over on the sub forum the other day regarding the opiate receptors? How our bodies create more and more and more...ad infinitum...as we use and how going through withdrawal/detox makes them go inactive? But if you take an opiate again, they all start waking back up again....and you keep having to go through withdrawal to put them back to sleep every time you attempt to use? Either that or you're back on the roller-coaster again?

    Understanding how this works has really helped me immensely....in terms of the whole "Mr. Addiction trying to lure us back...just once more" thing. The other thing that helped me was learning to tell myself "dee, you will feel good for a little bit but then you know you'll feel terribly guilty about it later and wish you hadn't done it".....to try to follow the thought to it's inevitable conclusion.

    Keep track of the times you have those thoughts...when Mr. Addiction whispers in your ear. And every time you resist....remind yourself later about how you amazingly made it through without acting....you lived through it....and now you're fine. Get good at doing that so that down the road.....when, one day, someone suddenly offers you some glittering pills, you'll be able to kick that thought process right in.....and say "no, thanks" and be okay with it.

    The first few times that happens....you may even catch yourself, a few minutes later, having a moment of regret....wanting to re-consider. When you conquer that, remind yourself that....hey, see? It's a good thing I didn't accept.....because the high would be gone by now and I'd just be feeling guilty and like crap about it. And then give yourself a high-five and a pat on the back and you'll even feel euphoric about gaining the power to refuse. And it becomes easier and easier the more cognizant you are of how staying on the straight and narrow continues to enhance your self-esteem and how it's actually so much more enjoyable in the long run.

    Plus.....if you give yourself enough clean TIME....those thoughts start to get more and more distant. Mr. Addiction moves on to more fertile ground....not that he's gone forever (you'll have to remain vigilant forever), but he'll leave you alone most of the time.....and it's on your mind less and less.

    Glad to be your friend.....dee (and I'm needing some friends myself right now)
    Dee--off MMT 9-12-06

  6. #42
    charless is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Starting on my road...

    No breakfast but I did manage to eat yesterday. I was never a big eater, always on the skinny side. So here is the run down. A can of chicken soup, PB&J sandwich and 3 tacos from a Mexican joint down the street.

    I do feel much better than yesterday but have been sneezing non stop. I love coffee and use to go up the street to the little coffee shop, buy a bag of beans and have them grind them for me. A weeks worth. Well unfortunately I have not made it back there in years and am drinking Folgers. Not that great but not as bad as having nothing.

    My mom has MD and I have been helping my pops care for her over the years so I can kinda relate to your situation. I had to move back in with them so I can be closer or maybe I just got lonely. Still not sure. But anyway I have been helping in one way or another all my life so it kinda comes second nature. MD as you might know progresses over the years as the person is able to do less and less for themselves as their muscles got weaker. I don't really see this as a problem in my life but maybe it is. I sure hope it is not as I don't regret one minute helping. There were times when I was little I would pray to someone (never really believed in god just some kind of something out there) that we could switch places so it would not be so hard on her and I could take some of the burden. I am not sure how I will re-act if I lose her. Life on life's terms. She has her good days and bad days. I for one would be so sick of sitting in bed doing the same old stuff over and over again I would go crazy. My dad got her a kindle today and I helped set it up and spent some time showing her how to use it. We are all book heads and read ALOT. It was great to do and I was sober the whole time. Before today I would need to be high to have any interaction like that.

  7. #43
    charless is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Starting on my road...

    Just got done reading about the opium sensors. That was something I did not know but have experienced. I would quit for 3 to 4 days and the first time I used I would be real high, the second time not so much and by the third time I was re-upping the dose. I do not want to be back there.

  8. #44
    Parachute is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Starting on my road...

    Quote Originally Posted by charless View Post
    Just got done reading about the opium sensors. That was something I did not know but have experienced. I would quit for 3 to 4 days and the first time I used I would be real high, the second time not so much and by the third time I was re-upping the dose. I do not want to be back there.
    That is all it will ever be..chasin' that first high, and it AIN'T comin back! By the time I jumped off I was hitting 500 plus of oxy/roxi a day amid myriad other drugs n booze. I was basically sick 24 hours a day. 180 mgs to wake up and get ok...another 100 to move and give a jit bout anything. Also, I could only sleep two maybe 3 hours at a clip, i wou.d go into WD and have to get up, whiff a line of oxy and then sleep may e two more hours.....that is where this goes. I had all the money and all the time and this is what addiction turned me into.
    Keep reaching out, turning the corner is coming. Your head will manufacture many lies to get you to use. That is where being in touch with clean folks will pay huge dividends.
    PEACE

  9. #45
    charless is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Starting on my road...

    I am going to keep reaching out. It's the only way that is going to work for me. Reaching out and hearing stories gives me hope. And boy oh boy that is something I don't have any of at the moment. I am trying to live through others experiences because right now I can't do it on my own. I have tried and failed so many times I have to try something else.

    I have no idea how you made it Parachute but your story is one of the ones that inspired me to do this and seek help. I want you to know you have made my 3 days clean a reality and everyone that has posted here.

    Dee you getting off MMT is crazy. I have read some of the stories on that forum and WOW. I do not want to substitute one DOC for another. It seems like HELL getting off that stuff!

    Still going strong (hah its been like 1 hour). Showered, shaved and dressed for work for the day. Not sure why I feel so proud of that but maybe some others can relate. Now I make the decision to go in or not.

  10. #46
    charless is offline Senior Member
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    OK, Decided not to work. I still don't want to break out in tears in front of any co-workers. I might have the strength tomorrow but that is a LONG way off in my head.

  11. #47
    charless is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Starting on my road...

    Now just counting the hours til the noon meeting. It is raining but I know I am going to take another shower before noon so I might slap on a jacket and go for a walk.

  12. #48
    darkrosaleen is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Starting on my road...

    Hi charless, I have been reading your thread for a few days now and I am so glad that you've made it this far. You have a lot of good people in your corner who know what you're going through both on this board and at NA. I remember how terrified I was when I first started going to meetings. I was sure I would be thrown out because I was such a mess, sure no one would ever want to sponsor me, sure I was too far gone...Mr. Addiction had plenty to say, only none of it was true. I realized after a few days that my addiction would say anything to get me using again. I saw that a lot of offers of help were genuine, that people did care whether or not I stayed clean, & that I had to ignore that nagging voice in my head. I hope you make it to the noon meeting and hear exactly what you need to hear to keep the hope alive. Keep posting your progress. Enjoy your walk.

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