I jumped last monday and made it to Tues then freaked out, wanted to just kill myself because of the WD's, and then grabbed some more pills....so yesterday afternoon I took the last half of a pill.

I was eating something like 6 to maybe 10 Vics a day for about a year I guess, so last Tues when I started them again, I ate just half of one at a time, made my self go at least 4 hours between them, and for a couple days ended up eating three total, then two total.

Last week Thurs I started taking some vitamins twice a day based on some suggestions I've read around here, and I've got a bunch of Immodium and Clonidine now too as well.

I've spent alot of time reading stories here, and being outside with people over the weekend; people I admire who don't have a drug problem, and somewhere along the way my overall attitude of fear and maybe I can't changed to "yes I can, yes I will, and I'm going to be fine".

Today is going to be around 50 degrees and sunny out so I'm going to at least walk around in my yard which I think will be better than sitting inside wallowing in it.

Anyway, I thought I'd start my official log here-every post helps somehow.

It's been over 12 hours now, (big deal for me), and while I know the worst is still out front, so far I still have the ultimate goal in sight; the ultimate goal being drug free.

And yes, I have thrown away any and all leftover stuff I had, which when I did it felt pretty good. I enjoyed watching them go down the toilet along with the lump of contempt I have for them.

So here I go....thanks for listening.

What a great post, even with the stop off to numb the pain for a bit, still a great post. Nice to think about coming back to life while the world around you is also. Now I just had a ?, that I have had since you first came on here, do you have a bike? Cause two wheeling is one great way to exercise, and yesterday on my walk, I noticed hoards of mountain bikers everywhere. Very Happy focused people, you know like the hikers! !

So 12 hours out from numbing, and ready to go outside and take in some air, ready to start up vitamins, all looks good.

Very important thing to surround yourself with people you admire that do not have a drug problem. Like my hiking friends, I find I have little to no patience with dealing with people who are stumbling down anymore. Plus those normal happy people, they sort of rub off on you in a good way, showing you how it can be done, how life can be fun.

I am glad you started this journal. Be aware of why you relapsed before and for whatever reason it was change something up there. Expect the emotions to be right at the surface for awhile, but know that the vitamins as well as exercise will temper them.

At some point you will want to work on the mental part of it all. You already know to move against the cravings or addict thinking, now put in some structure, some support from those who have been where you are. Think about it, ok?

And for now, have a lovely spring like day, I know I am.
And very happy you started a new thread, like a new start...
Ready for change,
And grabbing at recovery,
I wish you well.
always,
annie

__________________
Anne

It can be done! Think about attending meetings for the support when you start to feeling better. Just a suggestion.

__________________
Listen: for this addict, the rooms of AA were the last thing I tried and the first thing that worked, but it only works if you work it.

GOOD FOR YOU!!! Every step you take, even if you don't start out with very many, is a step in the right direction. When you feel up to it, try to walk/run enough to break a sweat. Drink as much water as you can & sweat as much as you can. That will get those endorphins pumping and help get all of the toxins out of your system.

It's very empowering to flush your drugs, isn't it? I did the same thing with the last of mine and it gave me some sense of power over the pills. Build off of this confidence booster and do things that give you that same sense of confidence. Little things, at first, make a huge difference in how you feel about yourself and what you're going through.

I'm proud of you and will be rooting for you all the way!

__________________
“Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it\'s thinking of yourself less.” ~ Rick Warren.

** 11/5/09 **

Annie, my "two wheeler" name comes from my involvement in motorcycles, I haven't ridden a pedal bike in years.

Joplin, I'm going to return to the meetings I was attending before the end of this week, and get back to going daily again. Just want to get through the worst of this detox thing first.

So I'm at 20 hours now, with no pills, and my biggest issue right now is just weak legs. Standing up and staying standing is a real challenge. I am not filled with anxiety and fear, and I don't feel like I'm going to come out of my skin either-not yet anyway. I think last week at the 12-15 hour mark is when I came unglued and used again, so I'm hoping some of the "prep" work I did is the difference. (though I know I'm not out of the woods yet)

Thanks for being here.

I'm finding that some loud music thru my I-Pod head phones seems to help the mental anguish quite a bit and even helps get me moving around a little more. In my case, rock & roll is my music of choice, but whatever you like would probably work.

I do not recommend slow, sorrowful songs, especially with the emotions bouncing from pillar to post right now.

Anyway, just thought I'd share this....I may even get my sorry butt onto our stationary exercise bike here shortly.

TW
Good planning may very well have made the difference & hopefully it will continue to make a difference as you move forward.
I love my music-I am one of those people who can listen to frank sinatra then move to boz scags or janis joplin. Varied artists & style for me. I was without a stereo (CD player) other than my computer & TV which don't have the greatest sound so...yesterday while shopping for necessities (dog food, paper towels etc) I found a great deal on a "home music system" - original price $179.99- marked down to $29.99..It must have been mismarked but they sold it to me for $29.99 + tax (i even brought it to their attention) & I am a happy camper. Obviously it is not high end but it has separate speakers & much better sound than my TV & computer...Yeah! Just wanted to share a gift from above.
Did the sadness start already for you? Are you taking the L-tyrosine that Annie talks
about?
You can do this! Go TW!!!

Good for you.. I am impressed..

When you feel like your going to freak out.. just decide to stay clean, one minute at a time.. I literally watched the second's arm on my watch.. for a long time.. taking satisfaction in each minute ..

I tossed a combined total of about 100 Percocet and Oxycontin down the toilet.. so many pills that I had to flush twice.. lol. What a powerful feeling..

Oddly, I never regretted it .. I was already in full blown detox and remembered the stash ..

I was the worlds worst detoxer.. lol. I didn't do much reading ahead of time, had no real idea what to expect.. I had seen a couple of movies about junkies detoxing and figured, it cant be that bad.. lol.

I didn't get clonodine until day 4 .. didn't seek medical help at all until day 4.. There was definitely an easier way.. lol I had no immodium, no vitamins and didn't drink any fluids for 3 days.. when I went to the doctor on day 4, I was terribly dehydrated and already had cracked lips..

The point to my ramble is that you wont go insane, you will just be sick for 80 hours and then slowly start to get better.. That's it .. Stay hydrated, take your clonodine and focus on each minute when the going gets tough.

No it hasn't and no I didn't, not yet anyway. My main emotion so far seems to be anger, anger that I'm in this spot again, but I know that's subject to instant change.

Firsttimedetox, breaking it down to one minute at a time is helpful as well.

I'm just about 36 hours now, and am holding me own still. Last night trying to sleep was rough due to the restless leg thing. I tried a hot bath but it didn't help enough, then I remembered I bought some stick on heat pads which I used and those seemed to help pretty good.

I've got one whole day and a few hours drug free. It's been a while since that's happened. Small miracles.

TW
There is someone else who bought some sort of icy/hot sleeves that she put on her legs & she said it helped immensely. She got them at walmart & bought the generic brand (no script required).
36 Hours is great! Say strong & keep posting!

Thanks SO. I'll probably work on going out soon to try and find some.

I've got almost two full days now without any narcotics, and I don't feel all that bad, (relatively speaking). My legs feel weak and standing up from being seated feels like I'm lifting a few tons, and I have a serious lack of enthusiasm for doing anything, but otherwise, not too bad. Nowhere near as bad as last week when I tried the jump.

I did go through ALL my stash areas today and actually found two more pills I didn't know where there. And being home all alone, with no way of anybody but me knowing, I sat down next to my toilet and flushed them both. Up until a few days ago I wouldn't even joke around about doing such a thing, so that's a big step for me.

I think tomorrow if I still feel like I do today, I'm going to call some old NA people and see if one will take me to a meeting.

So, just about two full days free of taking anything and I can still see the goal clearly and don't feel anything like dying and I owe most of that to these forums and some of you. Thank you.

Day 3- my legs are driving me nuts, didn't sleep worth a damn, and I'm really, really crabby. Just going to leave it at that for now....

TW
Day 3 is wonderful. Hang in there..did you get the vitamins yet? If not can you call someone to get some for you? Magnesium can help with the legs. Crabby is ok..normal part of w/d.
How about today (even being crabby) you make that call to get to a NA meeting, I swear it will help you!
Big pat on the back for flushing the hidden pills! That is major for an addict to flush the stash.
So hang in there & keep posting
R

Yes I have vitamins. I bought and started them a couple days before I jumped.

Today though, all of a sudden within the last hour maybe, this whole thing just became very, very difficult....

Right here, right now, I'm really struggling...

Hey bro, I have just came through detox..first let me say you are doing GREAT!!!
do NOT give in now, you are almost there bro!! every hour you are closer to feeling better...I know time stands still while ui feel this way. What I did is back and forth to the shower..

Dont forget it will come in waves at times as well...a wave will come over and you and you will like its gotten alot worse, then a few hours later, it will begin easing up some..atleast thats how it always is for me..
DAy 4 is awesome brother!!! That is usually my turning point in terms of comming out of detox...for some it is the last of the horrible days...

Hang on with everything you have bro...PLEASE hang on with all it take...showers, showers showrs!! they really help calm you down