Thanks to all who have reached out to me and showed me love and concern, here on my thread and in PM's...it is rather overhwhelming, as I feel like I do not deserve it at all....
but thank you all the same...it actually brought me to tears...literally.

I am scared, I am in a scary position...it feel like I can't live with the opioids and can't live without them....

It is sooo true, that once you have a little recovery, even, it is not the same high...it ruins it to a large extent. I had planned to use a certain amount, a rather small amount, as to use smaller and smaller amounts of percocets each day, and came across some oxy's 10mg, and of course like any good addict ate them all up....about 12 of them...and really all I felt was guilt, huge shame and anxiety....but then my body is craving more..how I came about them, was that I went to the pharmacy to get some Gabapentin that my doctor prescribed for me (non-addictive) and the pharmacist who knows me quite well, and have kinda struck up a friendship of sorts, and who knows my entire family, gave the oxy's to me to give to a family member 'cause it was a partial prescription and they said that they couldn't add it to their next script 'cause with that narcotic, it is not allowed....something like that anyway....Because I did say to just add it to their next prescription. And my family memner who they were meant for, had no idea that they were owed them......boy do I feel like a shmuck, HUGE shmuck....happened so fast.

I am afraid to continue to use, then I am afraid to try to sober up again and fail. It hurts so much to fail at recovery....If there were only a magic wand....but there isn't...and there are no guarantees......I am writing out loud here....just pouring out my heart on this page.

However, I do know that I MUST try again....I can't give up......right now, I am just soo tired, I am spent...emotionally, physically and especially spiritually...I don't know if I have the energy or whatever it is, motivation??? to even recover from an Advil addiction...

I am just soooo tired of this rollar coaster, I really am.


Anyway, again thanks for your love.....it is giving me a little hope here...you guys are just so great...loving on me, when I can't find one reason to love myself....

Didn't mean to write a 'drama' here, whatever came out, just came out without censor.

And this is where I am at for today...

If anyone is reading this, and some how misses the pills and thinks to go back to them. PLEASE STOP !!! DON'T DO IT!! DO NOT JUMP BACK TO A HELLIER HELL THAN YOU WERE IN. BELIVE ME....I DO KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT HERE !!

Wishing all a very good night...

__________________
-Peabody xoxo


"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending."

Hey P,


Glad to see you back here...Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back on the horse.





Love and respect,


-Sean

__________________
\"Without a program life is like a soup sandwich. No matter how you make it, you always wind up with a mess.\"



\"Every time you express gratitude or compassion for any aspect of yourself or someone else, you breathe life in.\" ~Mariah Fenton Gladis~
Tales of a Wounded Healer



\"Just Cause You Got The Monkey Off Your Back Doesn\'t Mean The Circus Has Left Town.\" --George Carlin

Pea,

Im still proud of you!! so you are having a set back...its OK..you did not "fail" at recovery Pea...this is all part of this monster. Im soo proud of you for keeping honest, once thing you are doing right now is not isolating and lying about anything...thats awesome...we can do this again Pea...I mean YOU can do this again...ITs a lifelong battle hun, and with your strength and determination you can DO this, with the help from us and all the recovery addicts you know, and the program...

Remember, you ARE SO WORTH IT!!!...

I AM VERY PROUD OF YOU

dont feel bad peabody i recently went seventeen days and relapsed because i honestly was still in hell seventeen days later. i know how you felt why you picked up and im right back doing it again on day five so i KNOW how you feel. Hopefully this time it's a little easier being i had that much time of abstinence but if it isnt that's cool too. This moment will define you and make other obstacles appear as nothing later on. I remember finishing the methadone detox i was so full of myself that's why you see my little ego thing by my status because THAT is MY biggest problem in recovery... those two little words "i know".

Hey Pea,

Glad your still here my friend. I see youve been struggling too. Was at three weeks and used and have been picking up off and on since. Gonna try again though. Ill be checking in on you.

Lots of Jersey love , your friend Steve

Oh Pea, I am so happy you posted, I have thought of you so often. I am sorry about the relapse, addiction is just that it drives us crazy. (The condition of being habitually or compulsively occupied with or or involved in something.) Now you are back in the shameful part of the cycle. I know you, have talked with you so so many times, you need not be ashamed. Drugs have a powerful hold over us. So powerful that it causes people to get on their knees and beg God to help them, cause they know they cannot help themselves. Like no other disease on this earth, and as badly as those around the addict might feel, I am constantly reminding people the addict hates him/her self. I remember so well that lost look in my son's eyes, that look like he would never ever recovery from this disease, how ashamed he was to even look me in the eyes. I wanted so much to make his pain go away, and now I feel that way with you too. I do not want to see you so unhappy, and I know you are. I know when you relapse it is never the high you are after, and so comes the disappointment, then the self anger and self hatred for what you did. Honey we cannot change the past, we cannot predict the horrors or good days of the future but we can control what we do in each moment. You know this, by heart even. You know that you feel like sh*t and all that keeps happening is the thoughts to use. And that takes you back to the horror that you did, and where you are now. But stop living back there please. Give each day your best. Know that choices will always be there for the addict, and it matters really not, as far as I can tell, how much clean time you have. Does not make it impossible for you my dear friend to find recovery. NO IT DOES NOT. My son relapsed after 8 years, what the heck was that. I knew he knew the NA steps by heart, had written them all out, done his homework and lived in recovery homes for years and years. he was only out of the sober living facility a few months when the drinking started, seemed ok, he kept reminding me it was not his DOC. He was not acting like he did before, like a raging addict, I thought he was ok.

Still one day something happened that infuriated him, pulled his fences down, and that quickly he picked up and used. And that quickly he was up to using a lot all over again. Back to hating me again. But I used my normal statement, "Call my honey when you need a ride to detox" and drove away, with him slamming things around the yard. Luckily his g/f was smart enough to say, if you do not go to detox with me, I will not come home to you ever again, and so they went together. Pretending they did not know one another. Then came out on methadone. she has been tapering ever since that time, Mike is still up there in dose, but is FINALLY Seeing that methadone is just one other opiate that the body/mind and soul must pay homage to on a daily basis.

I would never BLAME my son for his relapse, never, it is part of the horror of the disease. He knew very well that people make it when and only when recovery comes first, above all else, above everyone you love. I hope soon he takes the action he needs to, meanwhile I know he has thought on this long and hard, and will take a jump down soon, his wife is also smart enough not to hound him about it. I carefully told her, make sure you do not start resenting Mike, cause you could lose your marriage over that. So she promised if she got angry she would confront him. They had 5 sober/clean years to fall in love and both want that back, Mike knows he faces h*ll and he is scared, just like you are, only you are not on such a long acting opiate as he is, and as you know your physical detox will be shorter than his.

What might happen if you actually went to a detox center at this point? Medically supervised and surrounded by other addicts seeking recovery, getting support through the toughest moments, always someone in there to talk to no matter what you are thinking or feeling. Please let me know if you could swing 5-7 days in there. I do not know your current $ situation, but if you are not working then there is always state assisted detox, after all that is what you want...to detox.

And because you have been here and done this that is a good reason to figure out what went wrong the last time so it does not happen again. But it is not a good reason to punish yourself, you are already in H*ll on earth, why pick on yourself or kick yourself when you are down, why hon? You are one of the first people I met on here, you and I talked through so very much. You are not gone, you are still alive sweetie, you still have life and time to get this right. And as afraid as you are, you might feel a little safer if you did this medically. So let me know what you think of this idea, cause it would certainly take this off your shoulders and allow you to go in there, just as someone would go to a hospital to heal, you go in there to clean out your body.

I am very concerned about you, cause never have I heard you so down on yourself, and for most people, this happens. And yes some can never turn back, but most turn back, it is familiar instant gratification, the habit is so so embedded into your every thought and action, this is not something you can control, but something that you can ask for help with and with help learn to control it. I know you know all of this. I know you do, but my concern is with helping you any way I can, you are a beautiful person who has so much to offer, and I do not like hearing you say things will not change.

You know hon, everything in your life has to change, so you, so your spirit can rise up again and dance. Do some affirmations, take a walk, think about going into detox, PLEASE.

If I was not so tied down right now with caring for my dad 24/7, I would hop on a bus and come to see you, I would drive you to detox. I would do that for you, cause you matter so much. So many people love you, except for the most important person of all, yourself!
I love you darling.
I am so glad you came back.
Do not bash yourself around like that, please, I want you to come back to us, full/whole/healed and happy.
Be well,
Keep posting.
I will get around to sending you a PM or email with some things to cheer you on, but now got to get dad his dinner.
Always your friend,
Forever,
annie xoxoxoxo

__________________
Anne

Thanks you everybody for your time and patience with me...

I am reading and have a lot of food to chew on with these love filled posts.

I am reading and I am slowly hearing, and my mind is slowly opening again.

Much appreciated.

__________________
-Peabody xoxo


"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending."

Hi Peabody, how are you doing? I haven't heard from you, about you for a few days? I don't always read every post in here, but I try to read the most recent ones. I hope your well, and I REALLY mean that!

Hello to all my ODR friends,

Well have about 10 days or so without using today, it was a short ride on the otherside, thank goodness, and alway shakes one up for sure.

I have been reading most everyday thought haven't posted...strange thing was thinkin, even when I had some pills in me, was thinking about the people here and wanted to know how everyone is and hoping that they were not doing what I was doing. Also, even with a bit of recovery in me, it doesn't go away that easy (in the mind, I mean) and that bit of recovery within always bugs ya when you are 'trying' to have fun with the pills. I say trying, cause recovery does ruin your usin. But like a good little addict kept on trying and tryin to silence the voice of recovery, but couldn't.

I have also quit smoking too, I am on day 11 with that. See I can smoke without using, but can't USE without smoking....they just go too much hand in hand with me. The dream of quitting smoking, just for today, has come true, which gives me the motivation? the strength? the something, that I can accomplish what I set out to do, to improve my health and my life (which is one and the same to my anyway).




In mid-April, I still have that appointment with the back specialist, and we will determine a plan of action whether it be surgery, which my GP thinks is an option for me, spinal shots or whatever it takes to get the healing process started with regards to my back pain and issues that does not require opioids, unless it is surgery.

So, just thought I would update my thread, and was also VERY happy to see that Liny did the same. Liny is still such an inspiration to me, as she has chronic pain issues too, and is clean. Liny if you are reading this, thanks for updating your thread, you are a true inspiration to me, that you with pain, is having a good quality life that does not include opioid pain medication. Truly, I wish to be like you if and when I grow up! And that IS the truth, whether is sound lame, silly or whatever, it comes from the healthy place in my heart.

Any whoooo, nice to write again on here and sharing a part of my life, that I can't just do anywhere.

Here is to recovery and it NEVER leaving even one cell of my being and to God, that He never left me or stopped loving me, and giving me His strength to do what I need to do, to have the best possible life Spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically! May I never forget from where the strength comes from and when I choose to mess things up, that it is me, taking MY will back and not God teaching me a lesson or 'out to get me' LOL

( This link I think is totally cool, it counts how many weeks, days, seconds I haven't used cigarettes along with how many how many 'sickorettes' I haven't smoked and how much money thus far I have saved ! I just thought this is just brilliant ! )

http://www.quitmeter.com/

__________________
-Peabody xoxo


"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending."

Peabody just an update on how I feel!
I LOVE YOU HON!
You always were and always will be in my prayers!
annie
WOW you quit smoking, good grief, I am astonished and in awe of your determination!

__________________
Anne

Glad you posted! I have been off the opiods for 6-7 days or so, but drinking like a slob. I always trade, just can't do the afterplan thing. I am proud of you too!! Hang in there. I did all the steroid shot stuff, butt I was more interested in continuing my DOC than quitting at the time.

hugs

Hey there Peabody!
Been in the states for a while - my brother died from cancer ;(.
Anyway, I've been wondering how you're doing? PM me if you need to!
xxxxx

__________________
The more we tense up, avoiding the pain of getting clean, we'll never learn our fate......

Hi all, know I disappeared for awhile..
Just re-read my whole post, and what great wisdom i was given. What great people are on here.

I am not ready to post yet, but will at a later date...

Doin not great....kinda really daft in some areas of my life....no most areas...ya, I think that word applies to me right now....

But..... 6 weeks without a cigarette, don't know how I possibly did that, but I did it.

__________________
-Peabody xoxo


"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending."

Hi all,

Well I think, well no, I KNOW I AM NOW READY TO TRY/DO THIS AGAIN. I HAVE CALLED AND LEFT A MESSAGE AT THE MEDICAL DETOX I WENT TO A YEAR AGO TODAY.....

It is a hard place to call back up and say 'Hi, ya I am a screw up and really screwed up again, and will ya take me again so I don't die"..... It was hard, but did it. I look at it his way, that it is easier than goin' on like this!!

Long story short, screwed up my back royaly when I had that accident last september and broke my tailbone...along with the other back promblems I already had....So my new doctor put me on 60 my of Oxycontin and Percocets for the break thru pain. When I first filled this new prescription, some small voice was yelling in me to tear it up!!! Throw it away and run far away from it! However, the addicts voice was much stronger, so thereofore I am avery sick person, riddled with addiction....but I managed to quit smoking.......funny that! Had a couple within 3 months.....but for the most part my lungs are doing much better.....crazy!

Anyway waiting for the detox to call, so I can be put on the wating list which is about a month

So folks, that's all for now. At least I am pointed in the right direction and that feels good.

-Peabody

__________________
-Peabody xoxo


"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending."

Thanks....all of you guys' support is REALLY underwhelming.....

__________________
-Peabody xoxo


"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending."