Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 12 of 22
  1. #1
    anibis is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Columbus, Ohio
    Posts
    247

    Default I feel like I've ruined my life.

    As some of you may know, I've been on Suboxone for 3 years now. I have never felt so scared, hopeless, alone, depressed in my life. I want off this drug more than anything yet I cannot bring myself to quit, I get on here and read all the horror stories and start to panic. So I dig myself even deeper into Suboxone hell, putting off quitting time and time again because I am so afraid of the years it's going to take to recover. The past 2 years have been absolute misery, I never leave the house anymore, I'm scared of everything, yet I continue to take my little orange pill everyday, continuing the misery.

    I feel like it's too late for me, I made a huge mistake getting hooked on this drug for so long and I don't see how I'm going to do it, I don't see how I'm ever going to get my life back. I'm 30 years old and I have lost all hope of ever being happy again. The doctor said this drug was going to help me, it was going to give me my life back. Instead it's taken the hopeful, happy person I was during my oxy days to the person I am now, the person who hates life, the person who has lost all hope of ever getting out of this hell, the person who lives with constant fear and hopelessness.

    This is what you've done to me Suboxone.

  2. #2
    gettingbetter's Avatar
    gettingbetter is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    New Hampshire
    Posts
    3,233

    Default Re: I feel like I've ruined my life.

    Hey Anibis. I remember you. And you know what? I remember that feeling while I was on suboxone as well, PARTICULARLY when I would freak out over some of the horror stories here. In my experience that hopelessness and despair prior compared to actually getting OFF suboxone was mostly mental and self-created panic. No, it wasn't a summer day, but it was nowhere near the fear I had created in my mind over the change. Now I realize it is not that way for a lot of folks, but I dove right into recovery at the time and focusing on new actions and ways of living really helped. Plus I found that despair you're experiencing really helpful. It can very much be the catalyst for change in your life: always darkest before the dawn and all those great metaphors. Those ideas really did work for me. I had been on sub for just over six months at that point.

    You are only 30 and your body will definitely repair if you get off and stay off. Three years is a long time, yes, but I know others that were on it that long and are now off and successfully happy and healthy and living productive lives without drugs. Jay can help you with a long taper. How much are you on daily at this point?

    My advice is not to panic over what might happen because in my experience it's hardly ever true. I always feel much better when I'm just moving forward. Roll with that, realize you're really young, realize you know you have to change to live the life you want, and all will be well.

    much love
    (you can do this)
    dani

  3. #3
    anibis is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Columbus, Ohio
    Posts
    247

    Default Re: I feel like I've ruined my life.

    I take around .75mg daily now, I was around 1mg for 2 years up to a couple weeks ago when I started running out of pills, that's the only time I can seem to taper. I'm sure I could get down to .5mg without much of a problem. I've been as low as .2mg but that was a couple years ago.

    The thing is....the past couple years have been miserable for me and I've done okay, anxiety, depression, no motivation, sleeplessness, pretty much PAWS in a nutshell. The only reason I'm breaking down right now is because I'm facing my addiction instead of putting it out of my head like I do when I have a stockpile of pills.

    I got on Suboxone because I was a chronic relapser, I quit oxy's/H over 20 times over the 4-5 years I was using, not just for a few days, at least 3-4 weeks each time....made it 3 months at least 5 times, made it 6 months twice. I never had a problem going through withdrawl because I knew what to expect. This is not the case with Suboxone and I have it in my head that it's going to be the end of the world, I just need to be positive like I was during the pain killer days, easier said than done.

  4. #4
    Eagle1 is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Posts
    29

    Default Re: I feel like I've ruined my life.

    Come on Gettingbetter !!
    I am from the school of tough love... LOL.. So just take what I say with a grain of salt but please understand the spirit that it is written.

    Look what Suboxone did to you? No, look at what you let suboxone do to you. Dont let all the stories rent space in your head. I wish I was 30 again. I started using when I was 39... talk about a jerk..lol. Construct a plan, a short term plan and stick to it !!
    With every day that passes you will feel better. It will take effort on your part. go to the gym, go for a walk. I am no expert but it seems alot of people think suboxone is the kind of miracle drug that all you have to do is take it. No, when we take it we are supposed to work on ourselves and make a plan and get busy living..not get busy dying.

    I am on sub...but not for long. come on...you can do it !! lets do it together..... You will not die !! I promise you that. What do you have to lose?

    Come on...lets do it !!


    Eagle, Peace

  5. #5
    Eagle1 is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Posts
    29

    Default Re: I feel like I've ruined my life.

    OPPPPPs. That post was to Anibis. Sorry Gettingbetter. My bad !!! :)

  6. #6
    gettingbetter's Avatar
    gettingbetter is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    New Hampshire
    Posts
    3,233

    Default Re: I feel like I've ruined my life.

    This isn't easy stuff, that's for sure. If it were easy, no one would be on sub for a long time. Addiction runs rampant on negative voices inside us that tell us we aren't capable of doing anything, that we can't quit ... addiction likes fear and anxiety and depression and circular thinking. The antidote is action Anibis ... doesn't matter what kind of action really as long as they are concrete and steps forward in positive directions. You have a few things in your favor: you aren't on a massive dose, there doesn't seem to be a time limit for you with the taper ... are you exercising, eating okay, all that? Exercise is HUGE to begin with in getting off sub: putting in some kind of exercise plan while you work out a taper would be a great idea. The exercise helps jump start endorphins and natural ones go a long way on this path. Also: do you have friends, family, people in your life that can help you and support you, or look into options with you?

  7. #7
    jdude's Avatar
    jdude is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Foothills of SC
    Posts
    6,779

    Default Re: I feel like I've ruined my life.

    Hey Anibis.......congrats on the progress getting below the 2mg point! That alone is great progress. And you pretty much described the pitfalls of being on sub long term...very well.
    So where to go from here? Physically you have 2 challenges...and after 3 years, your plan will be different from a short term user. Your schedule will play out in your continued taper. Actually at this point you're facing the physical issue of reducing the staked half with dose reductions, time, or both. Sub half life/stacked half life
    But your "I take around .75mg daily now.." will not serve you well. You need to be at a consistent daily dose, and schedule.

    Knowing your dosing schedule will help us to help you with a taper plan. And if you have a doc on board with some comfort meds at or near post jump.

    Recovery is a bigger picture. The physical aspects are about 1/3 of the recovery. You still need to address the emotional/mental, and spiritual. And being all connected, you'll need to focus on all areas equally. Your "
    I'm sure I could get down to .5mg without much of a problem.
    " is a good indicator your plan is a little off balance...simply put, it may not be a physical issue as much as a mind screwing issue. ;)
    You can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking that caused them in the first place.

  8. #8
    anibis is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Columbus, Ohio
    Posts
    247

    Default Re: I feel like I've ruined my life.

    I say around .75mg because it's so hard to be exact. I called all over today and think I found a doctor who will actually help me get off, I go in on Wednesday to see him. He mentioned going to meetings and such, something my old doctor never did.

    My mind is really screwed right now, I feel scared and alone. This anxiety is really taking its toll, I really need to figure out a way to control it or I don't know how I'm going to get through this.

  9. #9
    Eagle1 is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Posts
    29

    Default Re: I feel like I've ruined my life.

    Some may laugh, but did you ever try prayer?

    Sometimes the big guy throws you a rope.

    Peace

  10. #10
    Rulebrkr is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Location
    State of peacefulness and calm, marked significantly by chaos
    Posts
    184

    Default Re: I feel like I've ruined my life.

    Just a suggestion so take it for what it's worth. First are you seeing a doctor regularly? I understand that they have sample films (not sure if you are on sub films or pills) but the samples do not contain any medication. I know this is such a mental thing that I've heard of people dropping their methadone doses and the final weeks taking nothing but water and they had no clue. They were on what is called a blind taper. Point is - I feel the way you do and am at .5 mg. I was thinking of asking my doctor for the samples - so that mentally I can still "take" something even though it's nothing. Did that make any sense? I have no clue if this is even feasible but for me, knowing I'm taking something seems to relieve the pain of wds - at least the mental part.

    Sorry if this was confusing but I'm short on time.

  11. #11
    jdude's Avatar
    jdude is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Foothills of SC
    Posts
    6,779

    Default Re: I feel like I've ruined my life.

    Quote Originally Posted by Eagle1 View Post
    Some may laugh, but did you ever try prayer?

    Sometimes the big guy throws you a rope.

    Peace
    Eagle......some folks may scoff at other's support plans....so be it. Whatever works. But if you're so inclinded, Celebrate Recovery may be a good fit.
    You can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking that caused them in the first place.

  12. #12
    jdude's Avatar
    jdude is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Foothills of SC
    Posts
    6,779

    Default Re: I feel like I've ruined my life.

    Quote Originally Posted by Rulebrkr View Post
    They were on what is called a blind taper. ... asking my doctor for the samples - so that mentally I can still "take" something even though it's nothing.
    Rulebrkr....there's a difference between a blind taper and placebos. In a blind taper, reductions are made at a time and amount unknown to the patient.
    But if you want to use 'films' in your recovery plan, they are avaliable in a wide range of products...from breath mints to asprin and everything in between. Some folks accustomed to pills have switched to tic tacs as an example.
    You can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking that caused them in the first place.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
Information in this forum is not monitored or provided by a medical professional. The information reflects member opinions only. Do not act on advice from these forums without first consulting a qualified medical professional. All content is copyrighted and protected by Aelius Group.