Hi Jay !


I find your story quiet ironic and very touching, because i was only reading about your Missy's mission today, that i found in someones journal !


Congrats to you for not only your ESH, but also for what you have achieved in turning your life around like you have........



You are what i aspire to be









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* Sure its important how long since i have used ! But what's more important to me is how long before i use again ! *

Thank you Dads from all the kids who have none, from me to you. That you stood up to this disease for the sake of not only yourself, but also your kids, gives me great hope for the future of children in general. Both my sons lost their dad, and then a subsequent significant other in my life to drugs. I watched the children I taught lose uncles to shootings, fathers to prison, and lastly fathers to death, like my own kids. What it does to my heart to know that you are out there fighting for your kids, for your very own lives, well to me, it matters a whole lot.

I think in many ways it comes upon a certain generation to break a mold of family cycles. When one person steps out of addiction, it affects not only them, but also the next generation and even the generation after that.

Remember my son stood on the threshold of the jail cell at the exactly same age my h/b was locked up on San Quentin and then Fulsome prisons for what turned out to be 7 years. 7 years of his 20s spent in jail, and my son was set to live out that legacy to the number. But it all changed with Mike. Mike went to sober living, not jail. Mike grew up, his father grew up in prison, two very different personalities. Then I was told by a healer that my son was brought to me to change cycles of destructive family tendencies. So with Mike may it stop. AT some point it is up to someone to change the cycle of addiction, and you both did that. And to me, it is so so meaningful and hopeful that you did that. You gave your children, your son Jay, a chance to live life for all it is worth instead of being stuck in a vortex of destruction. WOW. I buried two men to that cycle and I KNOW how relevant your recovery is not only to you but to the future of your children. Thank you both.
Love annie

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Anne

Hey b...thanks for the kind words. But don't aspire to be me...aspire to be better then yourself. I spent too many years stealing time from my boys...my girl will never see a sober dad. Too many years as a hypocrite in denial. Too long in active addiction.

And we can't keep what was so freely given to us..till we're willing to give it away. Just for today.
Stay well.

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Just a quick update on something that happened last night !


I went to a NA meeting , only the second one i have been to.... I personally would like to be able to do this myself, but im open to most things, even tho i am not religious at all,

I lost any faith that i had in a god, when 2 out of 3, of most loved and cherished in my life where snatched away from me.... If he is real how could he justify that ??


Anyways the meeting i went to, i was sitting next to a Guy that was on the Nod, Off his face he was ! I think we all can pick it straight away !


I was feeling very uncomfortable with it all, Not that it was giving me cravings, but i have worked diligently at eliminating anyone or anything that has anything to do with Opiates !

I know i can't rap myself in cotton wool and avoid this type of thing !
But for me its still to early for me to associate with anyone that is high on my doc..... Any other drug wouldn't worry me !

So he kept trying to talk with me with that opiate dribble that we all used to talk,( Even tho we thought we were coherent )..... And he was telling me he has been clean for a month, with both eyes closed!! smashed he was !

I was trying to not be rude, and i got to the stage that i just turned to him and said look im sorry m8 but im 10 days into detoxing from Sub's, and i just dont have the time in my life atm for bullsh1t or bullsh1ters, and got up and walked out ! He was annoing the crap out of me !

Dont think i will go back there, not a major problem because it was never part of the master plan, for getting clean, but i went to see if there was anything that i could implement into my stategy's !



OH well alls still great but, im on my 11th day clean of subs and life is so much better !





,,,

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* Sure its important how long since i have used ! But what's more important to me is how long before i use again ! *

Hey b.....congrats on your focus. The recovery is very much a selfish program. Above all you need to put your recovery first. AA/NA may or may not be a program that fits your needs. There are a lot of other support plans...as well as other 12 step meetings.

Without any judgements....it could have also been the other member saw something in you that he wants. In the rooms it's easy to recognize the familiar active use traits and symptoms.....as well as the sparkle of recovery.

Don't let one person prevent you from seeking your plan....or miracle.

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Yes i guess your right Jay,


But im not sure if he could see my sparkle of recovery, because his eyes where shut for most of the time !


Tbh i feel a little guilty about being so rude, but i doubt very much he would of remembered me or what i said anyway !


Of course i understand and respect that we are all at different stages in our recovery, and maybe i should of been a little more compassionate towards him, but i just had this alarm go off in mind, and i needed to extract myself from the situation....


Is there such a thing as post detox of opiates, type of groups , because right now i just dont want to associate or even be in the same room as someone that is high on opiates....


And do AA and NA just allow people to turn up week after week when they are hammered ! or does someone say anything to them !






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* Sure its important how long since i have used ! But what's more important to me is how long before i use again ! *

BeFree some people have better luck with AA. Also local hospitals often run groups, do some research but do not let one meeting guide your need for guidance. That you recognized the addict in addiction and walked away from it that is a good thing. But yet one cannot base every meeting on just one. You are so willing. Just realize that this one only one attempt. Keep trying, do not give up asking for help, keep asking.

The higher power was within you always, I was told at a Reike healing. That I chose not to see it or access it. The important thing is for you to realize that you cannot control this on your own, matters not whom you turn your problems over to, matters more that you are humble enough to ask for help.

You keep researching till you find the place that is right for you. Do not abandon the ship yet, you are too close to seeing the TRUTH. You did very well just getting to that meeting, good work. And you did very well walking out of it, good work. But do not stop now, you are on a roll to get healed, do not let this stop you, keep seeking, asking. the more you ask, the more honest you are, the closer you get to living a life free of drugs forever more. That is what you want. That is what you will get if you leave your ego at the door, and get really humble and ask. Just like when you came on here.
Life is happening and I have to get in it!
So be well and keep up the good work
Always,
annie

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Anne

2 weeks clean off subs today !


All wd's virtually gone , except for sleep or a sleeping pattern !


One thing i have noticed is i have become a bit short with people , and atm im tending to make mountains out of mole hills, over dramatising ! Blowing things up out of nothing really !


I think this action has cost me a friend, that means the world to me.........



But i am dealing with feelings and emotions that i have masked with opiate use for quite some time ! and that makes it twice as tough to keep your emotions on an even keel !


At least i guess that, i have recognised it and i can now work on it






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* Sure its important how long since i have used ! But what's more important to me is how long before i use again ! *

Day 15 sub free


Been a little up and down emotionally last few days but alls levelled out now...


One very noticeable thing for me has been the return with avengence of the appetite..........


Whilst on opiates my taste and enjoyment for food had gone almost totally !
Whilst its only me and my daughter, i could never decide on what i wanted for dinner, because nothing ever appealed to me, so i would then think of the healthiest take away i could think of for her ( subway, noodles, ect ) and i would just pick away at it , kind of forcing myself to eat !



Now OMG, the Iron Chef in me has awoken, and all i crave for is fresh produce and Seafood and steak and mushrooms, or Chilli mud crabs my fav

And desserts dont even get me started on them...... lol



By the way most of the things i had no idea how to cook, but its been so much fun trying and learning ! some successes some flops.... How in the hell did we survive before the internet ?


Anyways onwards and upwards !!










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* Sure its important how long since i have used ! But what's more important to me is how long before i use again ! *

So happy to see you again Befree, and onwards and upwards was an expression my aussie friend used to use all the time! It was nice to see that again.

Now you can really be there for your daughter, watch her growing and watch yourself growing up at the same time.

11 years is a long time of habitual instant gratification. Remember your mind will take time to heal and allow yourself to realize this by filling your time with "other" things. Time can be your best friend, or your enemy, you choose. But conditioning your brain, that takes some patience. Please be patient with yourself, and put up structures to keep yourself in line. We all medicate or use for a reason, try and discover what your reason was, that will take some counseling or meetings or whatever it is you choose to do to survive the urges that come and go.

Get the tools you need to make this work so you never have to do this again. There is nothing more motivating than the face of your child looking up to you. So be willing.

And so so glad to see you back on here, I am happy today!
Be well, enjoy the sunshine, fill your life, get on some vitamins, and realize that healing is a process just like addiction is, learn how to do that.
Cheers matie!
annie

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Anne

Lol Annie @ cheers Matie

Always good to have a good yarn with ya, cause you seem like a great sheila









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* Sure its important how long since i have used ! But what's more important to me is how long before i use again ! *

Day 17 clean from sub, and i just worked out, had a hot shower, the sun is shining and OMFG its sssooooooooo good to be alive !


Im now able to sleep for 6 hrs and i no longer are waking up with that anxious knot in my stomach (providing i exercise)

Im so back in touch with my inner self (my soul) and im so relieved that im now finally able to deal with things in my life, good bad and sad, it dont matter because i have been to hell and back, and im no longer afraid to face anything !


Im getting stronger physicaly and mentally as each day passes, and i now look forward to getting out of bed in mornings and living MY life without any sub or powder handcuffs !



Im under no illusions that this war is far from won, but let me tell you Mr addiction, that im in this for the long haul this time, so i am ready for your best shot !!!!!!!!! (pardon the pun lol )












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* Sure its important how long since i have used ! But what's more important to me is how long before i use again ! *

SPOT ON!

Congrats on the fantastic progress!

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WTG, B, I am so happy for you!! Sounds like you're doing really well!!

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Angela

A good mood is like a balloon.... a big prick normally bursts it!!

Sub free 8/25/09
Xanax free 9/6/09
Clean 9/27/09

Thanks Angela, its seems so long ago that i had no idea what was happening to me, whilst trying to get off subs..... and then i came across your thread which was the first one that i read, and it had such a profound effect on me,

and it gave me the strength and knowledge i could get through this with my sanity !


So thank you, you have helped in ways you would never of dreamed of


Thank you as well Jay, the work you do on here, is first class and im sure it must be fulfilling being able to help so many !


And to all others that have chipped in with some advice and encouragement thanks aswell !



3 weeks clean today, and all i can say is it keeps getting better each day



Got a little surgery in the next week and it doesn't faze me now one little bit, and im looking forward to it in fact for a little relief for my shoulder !

And as crazy as it sounds im looking forward to the challenge of doing it with out opiates....... I read in a post some where about thinking your superman during detox and recovery ! thats me but still very wary of my cryptinite (doc).....













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* Sure its important how long since i have used ! But what's more important to me is how long before i use again ! *